Mike & Molly

All right, come on.

Show me pregnant!

Baby needs a new pair of parents!

Ah, it's negative.

Rats!

You sure you peed on it enough?

Yeah, like I was putting out a forest fire.

Doesn't make any sense.

We've been going at it like rabbits.

We should have a whole yard full of bunnies by now.

Boy, you really did drench this thing.

Well, hey, you tell me to pee on something,

I'm gonna pee on it.

Good news is, we can still keep doing the bunny hop.

Yeah, I guess.

Just seems like a whole lot of hard work for nothing.

You mean other than the loving

and spiritual connection we've been having?

Sure, sure. Yeah.

Hey, uh, you know, we could always squeeze one in

before I have to go to work.

As romantic as that sounds,

I still have to take a shower, wash my hair and shave my legs.

Don't doll it up on my account.

I can power through, even if you're stinky and furry.

I know you meant that as a compliment.

And what's weird is I actually took it as one.

Shall we adjourn to the baby-making chamber?

Yeah, let me grab my toothbrush so I can multitask.

Okay, but that comes out of your foreplay.

At this point, it is foreplay.

I can't believe she's not pregnant yet.

And I've been giving it everything I got.

This morning, I almost popped out an eye.

You did it last night and this morning?

That's like pitching both sides of a doubleheader.

With nobody warming up in the bull pen.

Not like I can signal to bring in the lefty.

You might want to start icing your privates.

You can't afford an injury

if you only got one man on your roster.

Yeah, I'm way ahead of you.

That's why I been holding my Slurpee between my legs all day.

So what's the verdict from the magic pregnancy pee stick?

No cigar.

Mike's still the only one showing.

I'll get the fried oysters.

I'm starting to get a little worried, Carl.

I mean, what if I can't give Molly a baby?

You got to stay positive.

It's gonna happen eventually.

Better happen soon. I don't want to be

one of those old dads showing up at a Little League game

pulling an oxygen tank behind my Rascal.

Yeah, my grandma used to take her teeth out

and clack it at the umpire if she didn't like a call.

Oh, that's embarrassing.

Yeah, but thanks to those choppers,

I did lead the league in walks.

I know Molly's got her heart set on three kids,

and I can't even give her one.

Let me ask you a question.

Are you taking proper care of your testicles?

Well, I'm not rotating them every 5,000 miles,

if that's what you're asking.

The testes are the delicate satchel that protects

the precious spermatozoa, the seeds of life.

And oysters make wienie go "boing."

All right, can we please stop talking about my junk?

See, right there.

Calling it "junk."

A derogatory term for your sacred lingam.

Lingam?

That's what the Hindus call the male genitalia.

The Egyptians have over 50 different words for it.

It's like the Eskimos with snow.

Still trying to get laid at the library, huh?

Yeah, when someone says "Get the hell away from me" in a whisper,

it doesn't feel as bad.

Here's an interesting fact: In order to increase

the number of living sperm, you need to keep your testicles

at the proper temperature.

Hey, you know what?

I got a really nice thermos for Christmas last year.

Instead of soup, I could put my balls in there.

Well, you ain't doing them any favors

by cramming them into those tightie whities,

which are neither tight nor white.

If I bleach my underwear, the waistband loses its snap.

Ah, don't blame the bleach for what your belly does.

Carl, I'm not switching to boxers.

Everything scatters willy-nilly.

It's like trying to keep cats in a bucket.

Well, it's better than stuffing them into a bag and letting them

boil to death in that tea kettle you call a crotch.

I'm not wearing boxers.

Well, if you really want to give those little fellas

a fighting chance, you should go full commando.

That's even worse.

It's like having loose oranges in the backseat of your car.

Can't make a sharp turn

without one of them hitting the door handle.

I'm just saying, you want your testes

at the proper temperature for baby making,

and that responsibility falls into your sweaty lap.

Well, I'm not going without underwear.

I feel naked when I leave home without my watch.

Yeah, I can't do that either.

I prefer an animal print thong.

Yeah, it keeps your kangaroo in your pouch

and lets your butt cheeks breathe easy.

You're really a sick individual, you know that?

Thought you said we were going to a library.

This is a sex shop.

They have books here.

Yeah, but they're all sealed in plastic

and come three to a pack.

That's a sucker's game.

The middle one is always weird,

and it's the one your grandma always finds.

Molly and I are trying to get pregnant, Carl,

not get our freak on.

When's the last time you been in one of these places?

This is not your father's porn shop.

They now offer a wide variety of marital aids,

some of which can be used to promote fertility and pregnancy.

Really?

So it's not just a room full of sleazy creeps

playing tug-of-war with themselves?

Not at all.

It's a place where healthy people go to enrich and enhance

their relationships and sex lives.

All right, let's give it a shot.

MAN (whispering): Cops! Go! Cops!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Get out, get out, get out, get out!

It's the cops!

I'm out of here.

Cops! The cops!

Hey, where's Mike at?

He's been coming through that door

every night at 6:00, straight up.

Sometimes it's 6:30, but it's always straight up.

He called, and he and Carl are going to the library,

then he had some errands to run.

Bet you're just happy to be off your back

with your legs closed.

Mom, stop!

: And yes I am.

Truthfully, it's a nice break for everybody.

Right?

No offense, honey, but the walls are thin,

and you're a bit of a backseat driver.

Mom!

"Slow down, speed up.

There it is, there it is."

Don't know whether you're having sex

or giving directions to a cabbie.

Hey, I have a limited time frame,

and I know the route better than he does.

Well, men will never ask for directions.

They'll drive around aimlessly before you have to

tap them on the head and say, "I'll just walk from here."

Oh, hey, everybody's home.

Hey, honey. What's that?

Nothing, just a...

Sex wedge.

Went with the ramp instead of the scoop, huh?

I prefer the Shanghai Intruder.

Costs a little more, but it comes with a cup holder

and a rearview mirror.

Meet me upstairs.

Well...

time to make the doughnuts.

We gonna have sex on this thing,

or is Evil Knievel gonna jump us?

Although it's advertised as an erotic device,

it's also a practical pregnancy aid.

Really?

Yeah, it tilts the uterus at an advantageous angle

to allow sperm an easy slide to the egg.

Careful with that sexy talk, Casanova.

Oh, and Carl also said orgasm is good for blood flow,

which increases the chances of fertilization.

You and Carl aren't gonna be on walkie-talkies

through this whole thing, are you?

No, he just asked me to text him when we're done.

: Oh.

Best way is for you to lay down

and me to slide it under your rump.

That's how Carl and I did it in the store.

Rise and shine, sweetie!

Up and at them!

What time is it?

Oh.

It's time to drink our tea and make a pee-pee.

You pee on it.

I already did. What?

Just a little test to make sure they work.

It was negative, by the way.