The Conners

Okay, okay!

Speech, speech! Yeah!

You made the dean's list. Let's hear something smart.

Okay, chill.

I was having a really hard time, I was barely getting C's,

but I stayed focused, and my boyfriend, Logan,

helped me a ton, and then -- I don't know --

something just clicked, and I made the dean's list.

So, yay for me.

Hey, hey! Yay, you!

And -- And he did it at a magnet school, no less, huh?

You know, the girl that does my hair

has a boy in magnet school.

The problem is, he keeps sticking to the refrigerator.

Stop right now. Don't anybody laugh at him.

We should've never bought you that toilet paper

with the jokes on it.

It makes going to the bathroom fun again.

I really appreciate all the presents,

but, please, no more Bass Pro Shop gift cards.

I know it's a re-gift, even when you cross out

"Happy Birthday, Dan."

Hey, I stood in line to get that for you.

Okay. This baby-shower cake was the only thing

the bakery had left, so I had to improvise.

Congratulations!

It's a genius!

Hey!

Hey, Mark. Nice job, dude.

Oh. Hey, Harris.

I meant to call you, but I just didn't want

to bother you now that you're living at Aldo's house.

Don't apologize.

I know you didn't invite me

'cause you thought I'd be jealous,

but I love my little brother, and I'm happy when he does good.

I know that. And who knows?

Maybe if Mark does really good,

you'll let him decide who he wants to fall in love with

and won't throw him out of the house

like a dog who crapped on the rug.

Anyways, that's all I wanted to say.

Love you all. Goodbye.

Want me to ask her to come back?

No, let her save a little something for Mother's Day.

Well, hey, let's get this cake going, huh?

Now, everyone who's ever been on a dean's list goes first.

Ooh! Ooh! Don't even try.

Hey! The dean said I was on his list.

He just didn't say which list.

Give it to Grandpa. I'm kinda full.

I'll have some later.

What? How can you be full? You didn't eat lunch.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just so excited, I'm not hungry.

That's not a Brussels sprout, son.

That's cake.

You don't eat cake 'cause you're hungry.

You eat it 'cause that's all you got until there's beer.

You haven't been eating much lately. Are you okay?

Didn't you hear what I said? I'm not hungry.

Uh, he's just tired from studying so much.

And we've been eating a lot of pizza

and hot dogs and stuff.

You know, brain food.

Well, maybe next birthday, I should give you a gift card

to a pizza place, and you can give that to him.

I don't fish. Let it go.

Hey. How did you get in here?

You're not supposed to be working.

Came in the back.

I wanted to try out this cool leg scooter.

Stew comin' at ya, Bill!

Whoa!

There, we got it. There you go.

You didn't need a full bowl anyway.

Those jeans are screaming, "Help me!"

I know why you're doing this.

Neville and Helen are coming by to get Logan,

and you don't want him to know

that you're not as fit as his ex.

This has got nothing to do with Helen.

I might be a couple of years older than her,

but I could still kick her ass.

I mean, if somebody held her still and I could roll into her.

Helen! Neville.

Wow. Look at you walking around already.

Yeah, right back at work. Can't keep me down.

No, but I think your basketball days are over.

Next time you fall, I might not be there

to carry you to the sofa.

Well, technically, we were still playing.

You just scooped me up

so I wouldn't keep dunking on your ass.

Isn't it a little quick for you to be back at work?

Oh, no, ankle's better than before.

Watch this.

Moonwalk.

Whoa, pardon me.

What'd I eat this morning?

What are you doing?

She's hiding the scooter because she doesn't want you

to feel sorry for her or try to help her.

She's what the doctors call "an idiot."

Is this why you've been avoiding me the last few days?

I haven't been avoiding you. I just haven't needed you.

I can take care of myself.

Ready to go.

Okay.

Please, go home and rest.

I'll stop by tomorrow afternoon.

Oh, I thought we were hiking.

Oh, right.

I'm taking them to the Michigan dunes tomorrow.

Huh? Well, I can hike!

Look, I don't need this stupid thing.

Watch, I'm standing without it.

Oh, there's something on the floor I got to get.

Don't look!

Just trust me -- she's fine.

All right. See you later.

Jackie: Bye-bye!

Captions by VITAC --

Did anybody notice there's a fully cooked lasagna

in the fridge that wasn't there last night?

The only person here who makes lasagna is Louise,

and she's still on tour.

There has been a rash of Italian chefs

breaking in to houses and cooking meals.

But that's mostly been ravioli,

so I don't think it's related.

Well, hopefully we're in the middle of a turf war

and the cannoli gang breaks in to send a message.

I see you guys found my lasagna.

Enjoy.

Wait. When did you make that?

The middle of the night?

I had trouble falling asleep.

Probably too much coffee while I was studying.

And I felt bad about snapping at everybody

at lunch yesterday, so lasagna.

Okay. I think we've got an eating disorder.

But he didn't eat it. He made it for us to eat.

Okay, I think we've got a cooking disorder.

Finally, somebody in this family has a disorder we can use.

You think there's a problem?

First he's not eating, and now he's not sleeping.

And Mark hates coffee.

Oh. He hates our coffee.

He might like good coffee.

I've seen this before, when I was a truck driver.

People up all night driving, a little jumpy in the morning,

no appetite.

He's on the cocaine.

He can't afford cocaine.

If we pooled all of our money, we could barely afford meth.

Bitch took my coffee.

Hey, I made you some more coffee.

If you didn't sleep, you're gonna need it

to get through school.

Yeah, sure, thanks.

I'll put it in my thermos and drink it on the bus.

Oh. Well, you better taste it to make sure

it's strong enough for you.

I'm sure it's fine.

Well, you won't know unless you taste it.

Yep, that's a good cup of coffee.

All right, we need to talk.

You did not stay up all night on coffee.

You're not eating. What's going on?

Nothing. Everything is fine.

You know, Jackie thinks you're on cocaine.

Oh, my God. It's not cocaine.

Wait. So it -- it's something?

Yes. It's just pills for ADHD.

It's not like drugs or anything.

Oh, my God. Yes, that is drugs --

for kids who have ADHD, which you do not.

Where did you get it?

You're making a big deal out of nothing.

It's like my generation's version of coffee.

Yeah, your generation also ate detergent pods.

You're a bunch of idiots.

Now give me the pills and tell me where you got them.

Please, I-I only take them when I need them.

And they're helping me.

I was drowning at this school,

and now I'm on the dean's list.

Just let me keep taking them till my midterm.

No! Give me the pills now -- all of them.

Okay, okay.

Here. Wow.

A breath-mint tin?

What would've happened if I came in here

and was looking for a breath mint

and took one of those?

Well, you probably would have been more focused and motivated

and had your own house and no credit-card debt.

That's the drugs talking.

You know, I-I didn't fail in life

because I didn't take enough drugs.