The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Dear friend...

I am writing to you because she said you listen and understand.

And didn't try to sleep with that person at that party...

even though you could have.

Please, don't try to figure out who I am.

I don't want you to do that.

I just need to know that people like you exist.

Like, if you met me you wouldn't...

think I was the weird kid who spent time in the hospital.

And I wouldn't make you nervous.

I hope it's okay for me to think that.

You see, I haven't really talked to anyone...

outside of my family all summer.

But tomorrow is my first day of high school ever.

And I need to turn things around.

So I have a plan.

As I enter the school for the first time...

I will visualize what it will be like...

on the last day of my senior year.

Unfortunately, I counted and that's...

Hop, freshman toads! Hop! Let's move it!

1,385 days from now.

We worked out all summer. Rock hard.

Hey, you know what? Why don't you guys get a room?

Just 1,385 days.

In the meantime, I'd hoped that my sister, Candace, and her boyfriend, Derek...

would have let me eat lunch with their Earth Club.

Seniors only.

What are you doing with that plastic spork?

I don't wanna bring back silverware.

Derek, you're Earth Club treasurer. Come on!

When my sister said "No," I thought...

maybe my old friend Susan would wanna have lunch with me.

In middle school, Susan was very fun to be around...

but now she doesn't like to say "Hi" to me anymore.

And then there's Brad Hays.

Before my older brother went to play football for Penn State...

he and Brad played together...

so I thought maybe he'd say "Hi" to me.

But Brad's a senior.

And I'm me. So who am I kidding?

On the bright side...

one senior decided to make fun of the teacher instead of the freshmen.

He even drew on Mr. Callahan's legendary goatee...

with a grease pencil.

The prick punch is not a toy.

I learned that back in 'Nam in '68.

"Callahan," sergeant said...

"you put down that prick punch."

"You go kill some gooks."

And you know what happened?

That prick punch killed my best friend in a Saigon whorehouse.

I heard you were gonna be in my class.

Are you proud to be a senior...

having to take freshman shop, Patty-Cakes?

Look, my name is Patrick.

Either you call me Patrick Or you call me nothing.

Okay, Nothing.

I felt really bad for Patrick.

He wasn't doing the impersonation to be mean or anything.

He was just trying to make us freshmen feel better.

Nothing, why don't you read first?

All right. "Chapter One."

"Surviving your fascist shop teacher..."

"Who needs to put kids down to feel big."

Oh, wow, this is useful, guys. We should read on.

My last class of the day is Advanced English...

and I'm really excited to finally learn...

with the smartest kids in the school.

Nice Trapper Keeper, faggot.

Believe it or not, she's gotten straight A's since kindergarten.

Shh!

I'm Mr. Anderson.

I'm gonna be your teacher for freshman English.

This semester we're gonna learn about...

Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird.

Genius book.

Now, who'd like to get out of the first pop quiz?

I'm shocked. All right. Well, you can skip the quiz...

if you tell me which author invented the paperback book.

Anyone?

He was British.

He also invented the serial.

In fact, at the end of the third chapter of his first novel...

he had a man hanging from a cliff by his fingernails.

Hence the term "cliff hanger."

Anybody?

- Yeah? - Shakespeare.

That's a great guess, but no.

Shakespeare didn't write novels.

Anybody else?

Hmm?

The author...

was Charles Dickens.

However, if you and I had gone to a Shakespeare play...

it would have cost us four pennies.

Can you imagine that?

We would have put those pennies in a metal box.

The ushers would lock it in the office.

And that's where we get the term...

Cash register.

Office Max.

I'll give you a free "A" on anything...

except the final term paper if you get it right.

Box office.

You should learn to participate.

Why didn't you raise your hand?

They call you the "teacher's pet"?

"Freak"? That kinda thing?

I used to get "spaz".

I mean, come on, "spaz"?

You know, I heard you had a tough time last year.

But they say if you make one friend...

on your first day, you're doing okay.

Thank you, sir, but if my English teacher...

is the only friend I make today...

that would be sort of depressing.

Yeah, I can see that.

Don't worry, Mr. Anderson, I'm okay.

Thanks.

I would happily not take shop.

Hey, freshman toad.

Well, I have 1,384 days to go.

Just so I say it to someone...

high school is even worse than middle school.

If my parents ask me about it...

I probably won't tell them the truth...

because I don't want them...

to worry that I might get bad again.

If my Aunt Helen were still here, I could talk to her...

and I know she would understand...

how I'm both happy and sad.

And I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

I just hope I make a friend soon.

Love always, Charlie.

Charlie? Come on.

Mmm.

This chicken paprikash is delicious.

Thank you, Derek. It's Charlie's favorite.

He was a little nervous about starting high school today, so I made it for him.

Feel a little silly about being nervous now, huh, Champ?

Yes, sir. I sure do.

I told you, just give 'em a smile...

and be yourself.

- That's how you... - Make friends in the real world.

You're cruisin' for a bruisin'.

Freshman year is tough, but...

you really find yourself.

Thanks, Derek.

You could have been a little nicer to Derek.

I'm sorry, the kid's a pussy. I can't stand him.

- I really hope you love the mix tape I made. - I do.

- The cover is hand-painted. - Oh, wow.

Hey, Charlie, you want this?

Are you sure?

He gives me one every week.

Hey, babe.

This next one might be a little sad, but it reminded me of your eyes.

Did you already do the term paper on To Kill a Mockingbird?

No.

Get him.

Let's go, Devils!

Right. Come on, offense!

- Hey, Nothing. - Hey, Nothing.

Oh, suck it, virginity pledges.

Suck it.

Oh, you're in trouble now, Jaguars!

Hey, Patrick.

Hey. You're in my shop class, right?

How's your clock coming?

My dad's building it for me.

Yeah. Mine looks like a boat.

You wanna sit over here or are you waiting for your friends?

No, no, no, I'll sit.

Thanks for not calling me Nothing by the way.

It's an endless nightmare.

And these assholes, they actually think they're being original.

So do you like football?

Love it. Love football.

Maybe you know my brother then.

Hey, Sam.

Question. Could the bathrooms here be more disgusting?

Yes. They call it the men's room.

Oh. So I finally got hold of Bob.

Party tonight?

He's still trying to shag that waitress from the Olive Garden.

Ah! He's never tossing that salad.

Come on!

Patrick.

Yeah?

Who's this?

This is...

Charlie Kelmeckis.

Kelmeckis?

No shit? Your sister's dating Ponytail Derek, isn't she?

- God. - Is that what they call him?

Would you leave Ponytail Derek alone?

You put the "ass" in "class," Patrick.

I try. Sam, I try.

It's nice to meet you, Charlie. I'm Sam.