Accidents Happen

Some people wouldn't know their ass

from an air conditioner.

Take Mr. Smolensky.

Despite overwhelming stupidity,

his death certificate will say "accident."

Billy Conway, on the other hand, was smart.

Still, with all his intelligence,

Billy thought Mr. Smolensky was dancing.

Billy's commonsense prevailed,

but commonsense is never enough to keep you safe, my friends.

Because the world is, quite simply, dangerous.

Gloria Conway would have never forgiven herself

if something had happened to one of her children.

Mrs. Smolensky held no such concern for her husband.

He had been a philanderer and a drunk,

and she considered his death a welcome divorce.

Sometimes bad things can happen for a good reason.

And sometimes, things just happen.

The Conways were your average, unremarkable family.

They rallied around Billy after the neighbor’s incineration,

and in the evening they enjoyed a movie together.

I didn't know there was anybody behind me.

Billy felt safe between his twin brothers, Gene and Larry. They weren't bothered at all

because they had once witnessed a motorcycle stunt go horribly wrong.

Linda felt snug next to her Dad.

And while Ray Conway was a good father,

it was Gloria who took most responsibility for the family's wellbeing.

The Three Stooges was her idea.

If she were more flexible, she'd be kicking herself right now.

Don't go away, Moe.

Gene had an uncanny talent for mischief,

and his concern for Billy inspired his most daring prank yet.

Billy, come on down. Where the hell is Gene?

And when Douglas Post arrived,

the stage was set.

Hey, Gene, wait for me.

It's just a movie, yeah? It's just all make believe, okay?

Did you find Gene? He's disappeared.

And Little Lord Bad Influence just flew by on his bike.

Doug was off limits after he and Gene drove the Principal's car

into the school swimming pool.

But still, nobody expected this.

Wow.

Like a big potato.

Hey, Doug. Just in time to see all hell break loose.

What are you gonna do?

I’m gonna pee.

Oh, my God. I swear to God, if shit were brains,

that kid would eat his head for dinner.

Yeah!

Gloria didn't just turn a phrase.

She flipped it on its back and kicked the shit out of it.

Eugene Conway!

You get down from there now before I turn your little ass into a--

Gene and Doug got into serious trouble.

Three police cars came, but it was worth it

because Billy had forgotten all about the dead neighbor humping the sprinkler.

So, what did the cops have to say, Mr. Moviemagic?

They said that Moe was a friend of theirs,

and if I peed out of his head again they'd shoot me.

What are we gonna do with him?

Give him to the Jehovah Witnesses next time they come around for a donation.

There's a lot of asphalt out there. Slow down. It's raining.

I am slowed down.

Slow down more.

And don't think for one second, little Mr. Big Deal,

you're playing in the championships this weekend.

But Ma!

Don't "Ma" me. I don't remember giving birth to a horse's ass.

But we'll lose!

Not if you play as good as Gene.

Shut up, Billy.

Stop it!

Leave us alone. I’m not hurting anyone!

Billy, careful! What are you doing?

Accidents happen when you least expect.

Care, vigilance and luck cannot prevent them.

Although seatbelts in this instance would have certainly helped.

Accidents are a fact of life,

and very bad accidents

have a charming way of not seeming real.

For every tragic accident, there is a good luck story.

But that balance can take years to occur.

And that's the way it was with the Conways.

Linda had died,

and Gene was in a nursing home.

Billy came here to remember happier times,

but they were getting harder to recall.

I n your room with those. Dinner's ready.

Why so early?

Did you forget you have baseball practice?

I was trying to.

What are we having?

Ah, dinner. I told you.

I mean what, exactly?

I don't think it's anything exactly.

Tell Larry it's ready.

Can't we leave a plate by his door?

You want a riot?

Larry! It's feeding time.

Larry grew up lost.

He didn't really have much choice.

Being Gene's twin was all he had going for him.

You've outdone yourself.

Do me a favor, will you?

Hit your goddamn father over the head with a baseball bat.

Each member of the family developed their own way to cope.

Billy learned not to feel,

which clearly had its benefits.

Ray didn't cope. He walked out.

Most of Billy's contact with him now involved head wounds.

And Gloria struggled to put the past behind her.

It was not uncommon to find Linda's furniture in the yard.

Mrs. Smolensky should have been an example to them.

She had gotten over her husband long ago.

Buster Bill!

Oh, my goodness, are you all right?

It's nothing, Mrs. Smolensky.

Just my natural charm revealing itself.

Billy was showing off his baseball skills.

It was quite a display.

Ma?

Hi. I'm Dottie.

Douglas Post's mother.

I found your mother in the front yard. She's been having--

Billy!

Hey, I’m fine. I just, I strained myself trying to move--

Hello.

Oh, my God, look. It's the spokesmen for the Useless Bastards Club.

What brings you here?

Uh--

Come here. Let me see.

God. Jesus. He was supposed to crack you with the bat.

Just trying to show Dad how much I love baseball.

So, let me be clear. If this happens in a practice session,

what the hell are you gonna do to him in a real game?

It was an accident.

Are you all right?

You mean speaking of accidents?

Gloria, don't start.

My husband wants a divorce.

Yeah, he wants to move on.

Start a new wife.

Billy.

Oh, I guess you didn't find a really good time to tell him.

I mean, what, with the concussion and all.

Billy, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so stupid.

I think it would be best for everybody.

Don't mind my husband here.

He has his head rammed so far up his ass,

that every time he blinks, it tickles his fancy.

Where's Larry? We could use a hand!

Not here.

Is he visiting Gene?

If you did that once in a while, you might feel better.

And if my grandmother had balls, she'd be my grandfather.

You leave that! Don't you touch it. Put it down.

Billy can take care of it. We don't need you.

Oh, do me one favor, though. On your way out,

could you please, please, take the time to trip over your dead daughter's bicycle?

Are you okay?

Should I call an ambulance?

No. Call the National Guard.

This, I think, qualifies as a disaster.

I’m gonna take your mother to the hospital. She's having female problems.

What do you mean?

You can stay at my house.

I don't think that's a good idea.

I’m not staying with Dad.

Is that, uh, son of yours, is he still causing problems?

Do you want my help or not?

Gloria didn't like taking help.

It made her feel vulnerable, and that frightened her.

And Dottie's help had brought Billy into contact

with Gene's old friend, Douglas Post.

The Columbia engines will be--

It's not every day you get to see history happen.

Dottie! I’m empty!

History is not happening. It happened the other day.

Don't wise off, Doug.

They got back alive. That's what I’m trying to tell you.

Hey, you, play nice in front of our guest.

Yeah, the other day!

When they made history.

If Columbus didn't make it back after he discovered America,

we wouldn't be sitting here watching this on TV.

Isn't that right, Billy?

Your TV's really nice.

We would too be sitting here, 'cause someone else would've discovered America.

You're not listening to me, Doug.

Look, it's the invention of the wheel,

Christ and all that business,

the discovery of America by Columbus,

the discovery of gravity,

World War I, World War II,

and the moon landing.

That's the history of the world so far.

Oh, this isn't still on, is it? What a yawn festival.

Can't we watch Dallas?

We're watching this.