I Love You to Death

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

How are you doing?

It's been two weeks since my last confession.

I've done a lot of bad things in that time.

Didn't go to church,

I took the Lord's name in vain quite a few times,

I cursed my mother-in-law,

but it was in Italian, so she couldn't understand,

so I don't know if that counts.

It counts.

Okay...

And I cheated on my wife.

You committed adultery?

Yes.

How many times?

Five times the last two weeks.

Wait...

No, that's wrong.

It was four times this week...

with three women...

and three times last week...

with two other women.

Wow.

Plus, one of the women from this week

was the same as last week...

or maybe two of the women was the same,

so I guess that makes...

What? I don't know. Seven times.

I mean, it was more than seven times, Father.

It was more like 10 or 12 times, but, you know, it was like...

on seven different occasions, only with five different women,

but some of the women more than once...

Some of them quite a few times.

In fact, it's hard to say, Father.

I didn't exactly keep count,

but let's say a dozen times in the last two weeks...

give or take a few times.

Rosalie!

Joey, I'm still waiting for those meatballs, baby.

I'll be right with you.

Hey, thanks for stopping by.

Rosalie, Wendel wants another beer.

Excuse me.

Benny!What are you doing here? I thought you was on vacation.

Got back yesterday.

How's Martha? She's terrific.

You tell her Joey said hello.

I will.

Devo, the meatball, the meatballs. Come on.

I'll be with you in one minute, folks.

Donna Joy, you're looking mighty nice in that mini.

Thanks, Joey.

You're looking pretty good yourself.

Yeah, you think? Thanks.

Joey's Pizza.

Hey, Ty, how you doing?

How many? How soon?

You want pepperoni, you got pepperoni.

Devo, take this out.

Rosalie!

Tulsky's coming by to pick up six pies.

We need more pepperoni. It's in the back.

Joey's Pizza.

Hey, baby, how you doing?

Oh!

No, no, now's bad.

Now's bad.

Very busy.

How about later on?

Later on. Okay?

I've got to hang up. My wife's coming.

Okay, bye.

Thanks for calling.

Be quiet, will you?

Shut up!

Hi, Mom. Hi, Mom.

Dominic.

Devo.

"Mr. Crystal, let it shine.

Spikes just like a porcupine."

Hello, you two.

Hi!

This is hot. I'll be with you in a minute.

I'm going to drop this off.

Okay. I'm going to go see Dad.

Hi, Daddy.

Who said that?

What? What?

Let me see your picture, Dom.

Oh, that's really good. What is it?

What does it look like?

It looks like a pizza pie?

Mom, it's a flower.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What do you think?

Michelangelo.

Look at that.

Oh, the defenders of justice. Hello.

Uh-oh. Cheese it, the cops!

Here you go, Larry. All set.

Sausage and 'rooms, heavy on the 'rooms.

Thank you, Joey.

Carlos, what's the matter?

Nothing.

Hey, kids, how's it going?

Okay.

Larry, Larry, Larry.

Look what Dominic did today.

You ever see anything so beautiful?

Dominic, that's lovely. What is that, a flower?

No, it's a pizza.

It's pepperoni, I bet.

Yeah, it could be. I'm not sure. Yeah.

I love pepperoni.

Next time.

You always say next time.

I heard you caught that guy

who was robbing all them 7-Elevens.

You caught that guy?

Right.

Picked him up last night.

Thank God!

You're doing a great job.

You hear that?

That's how come, in America, we live safe, have a good life,

because we've got cops like Larry Schooner and Carlos Wiley

who make sure everybody does what he's supposed to do.

You work hard, pay taxes, obey the law,

you can have anything you want.

I want my kids to understand

what a great country we've got here.

I think they understand.

Hey, Rosalie, keep your eye on the shop.

I've got to look at Lacey Flynn's plumbing.

Okay, sweetie.

Her plumbing?

Devo, when you're done there,

I want you to go around back

and clean out the garbage cans.

They're full of maggots.

Maggots. That's perfect. I love that man.

Don't worry. I'll do it with you.

No, please, that's my job, taking care of maggots.

How you doing?

How you doing?

This is the third time this week

he's gone up there to visit Lacey's pipes.

Come on, he owns the building.

He has to take care of it.

See the way she looks at him?

That's not his fault.

Besides, she's lonely. I feel sorry for her.

Don't feel sorry for her.

It's too convenient for Joey.

Hey, you shouldn't talk like that.

It's not right.

Joey's my husband.

I don't want to see you get hurt.

I can take care of myself. Don't worry about me.

Who is it?

It's the pizza man.

Hello, pizza man.

Hello.

I'm here to check your pipes.

I'm so glad because water's squirting everywhere.

Think she's pretty?

Yeah, I guess so.

I've got eyes, you know?

I can see a lot of girls are crazy for Joey,

and he has an eye for the ladies too.

That's okay. He's Italian. He's allowed to look.

In reality as we know it, some men do more than look.

You don't trust anyone, Devo. That's your whole trouble.

I trust you.

Joey would never run around on me.

Rosalie--

He never would.

Let me put it this way.

Let's say you had a dream that he did,

and the dream turned out to be true.

What would you do?

I'd kill myself,

and if I didn't feel any better, I'd kill him.

Yeah.

Joey, stay a little longer.

Oh, I can't. I've got a lot of work.

Maybe you'll come back later?

Maybe later.

Maybe even spend the night?

What are you, crazy?

I can't spend the night.

I've got a wife and family.

Joey, you don't love your wife.

Who says so?

Of course I love her.

Just because I make love to you

doesn't mean I don't love her.

What kind of marriage is that?

It's a good marriage.

I buy the food, she cooks it.