What Richard Did

Fucking hell, man.

- Where's the love, man? - Somebody's got a problem.

Rich, you're driving like my fucking granny, and my granny's dead.

- Sure, look at that car. - And my granny's dead.

- Oh, my God! - That is a Mustang.

- I did defend him. - He still got slagged.

And everybody was still a bollocks to him. That's not my fault.

- You failed in your mission. - Yeah, I did, man. I did.

You should... You should just give up your armband as class captain.

Because you fucked up.

Right, I'm fucking dropping the two of youse off.

Oh, my God, man.

That was her first shot at that and you just shot her down straight away.

You can make him a sandwich. Whatever is gonna be nice, you think,

and you're just gonna have it. That was nothing.

Well, no, I'm dressing it first and then we're adding...

He likes to dress things before he...

Eat it anyway.

Yeah, well, maybe you'd like to eat it when you farted on it.

- Chicken fillets, yeah? - Yeah, for me.

You seriously didn't get mine?

You fucking... What the fuck did I say to you?

- When are you going on your break? - I'm going right now.

- "When's your break?" - "I'm on my break now."

"You're on your break..."

Oh, here. Wait, wait, wait...

Jakesy.

- You alright, man? - How's things?

Hey, guys. What's going on? Are you well? What are you doing

- for the rest of the afternoon? - Nothing.

OK, look. See that card? All you have to do is...

- Take it? - No, don't take it.

All you have to do is give it a little rub.

- That is savage. Absolutely class. - Slick, isn't he? He's slick.

- Stop doing that. Fuck's sake. - How did you fold that, though?

No.

- Hey, ladies. - Guys, so nice of you to show up.

- Hey there, pecs. - Thanks for having us down.

No worries, it'll be good.

- Who's the baby? - This, ladies, is Magic Boy.

- Jake. - Alright?

He's the coolest. Take care of him, yeah?

- What's your name? - Jake.

This is the gaff.

- Stop being a retard. - Rich, this is so adorable.

Done. I got it. I got it!

Bagsy top bunk.

Somebody said there was a party here, lads.

- Hey, Ois. - Come here to me, buddy.

- Good to see you. Alright? - Good, man.

How's form? Alright, lads? How's things?

- Hey, superstar. - Hey, Sophie.

- What's going on? How are you? - I'm good, I'm good.

- Yeah? Does your da know you're here? - Come meet my friends.

- They'll freak the fuck... - Jake, come here.

- This is Richard. - Hey.

How are you? Rich. Nice to meet you. How's it going, man?

Jake, do you know Sophie, by the way? Have you met?

- Yeah, I've seen you before. - How are you?

I definitely won't be going for a swim.

- So would you, Rich? - What?

Sophie Kilroy.

- Fuck off, man. - Of course he would.

- She's Pat's daughter, lads. - And? You love him.

It would be like shagging your idol, only not going gay, you know.

- Hey, Conor. - Hey.

Conor, I'm freezing.

Oh, my God, Lara.

- Hi! - Hi, Con-man, what's up?

Super-Rich. What's the craic?

I didn't know you guys were here.

Alright, lads. I'm gonna go and be sociable.

Do you want a drink or something?

- Hey, guys. Can I grab a water? - Yeah.

Nice. Thanks.

Sorry, do you guys know each other? Lara Hogan, this is Richard Karlsen.

- Hey. - Hi.

- You down for long? - Just tonight.

- Where are you staying at? - Tent City.

- And yourself'? - Just over by the pub over there.

There's a pub?

With a roof?

Here, where's Jake?

Here, man. Look, you look about 12. Take that off.

Con.

Con-man. I got my invitation to your party.

- Yeah? - Yeah, man. Nice photo collage.

Everybody looks a twat in their communion photos, to be fair.

I bet you looked shit cool in yours, though, Rich.

Come to think of it, maybe I did.

- If I see a drink in his hand... - No, we're all over 18.

- Fine, but I won't serve children. - I may look young, but I'm old money.

- It's Coke. - Better be.

And no flashing your mickeys. I know what you rugby lads are like.

You know I wouldn't allow that, Fiona.

Nice one, man.

- Told you I was shit. - No, it was brilliant.

It was gorgeous.

Going for a smoke, man.

Oh, thanks.

Here.

Thank you.

Here you are.

- I don't actually smoke. - You're cutting loose?

Yeah, I'm going totally wild.

Go, Conor.

You're not a fan?

I just don't get the whole "lost in the Celtic mists" intensity of it.

Plus, nobody knows what the fuck he's saying.

- "I'm asleep and don't wake me." - Well, I obviously got that bit.

Obviously.

Alright?

- Hey. - What's up?

Just answer it.

- Magic Boy's mum's freaking out. - You didn't check in, man?

- Get blazed. - Give me that.

Richard Karlsen to the rescue.

Mrs Galvin. Richard Karlsen here.

Yeah, Jake's grand. He's with me.

It's just this kind of unofficial Raglan tradition we do.

We grab the Js and bring the lads down the country

to show them what it's like to be on the senior team.

Oh, yeah, he's being well looked after.

We've got a couple of fine Raglan boys down here just watching out for him.

Yeah, yeah.

- He was out there working away and... - Give me some magic.

He's brilliant. Exceptional. He's a real credit to you, I must say.

I did indeed do it myself, yeah.

I want to see your titties.

Yeah.

I'll have him call you first thing in the morning.

- Show me your tricks. - Bye-bye.

Outstanding. What a performance...

- Fucking hell. - How did you not break?

- Fucking idiot. - How did you not break, man?

- Fair play. - Fair play.

What's the teams?

I'll go with you. I'm not losing again.

You're shit when you play together.

You are the worst pool players I've ever seen in my life.

I'm just gonna grab a beer. Give me one sec.

Hey, man, Soph's in trouble. Just come here.

Bye, guys.

- Sophie? - Get lost.

- Come on, man, open the door. - Fuck you.

Fuck off, she's a fucking kid.

Stay there.

- Sophie, come on. - Just leave me alone.

Let's go. Come on. It's over now.

Come on.

- I like being carried by you. - Sophie, behave.

Here's the good Samaritan man.

- Have a good time, did you? - Alright.

- How's it going? - Anyone want a nightcap?

Fuck off, I'm on my break.

I think that lads in general actually wanna get on with each other,

- as opposed to girls who naturally... - They just like to...

It's like that thing about horses. Do you know what I mean? Apparently...

Apparently horses, right, naturally exclude one another.

So if there's three horses in a field,

two of them will stick together and shun the other one.

It's true. Like us, as in, you know, we sort of hate each other.

Without getting too fucking gay about it, right,

I'd talk to you lads about pretty much anything.

Have you ever seen girls in a bathroom together

talking about one of them being bulimic?

I don't walk into girls' bathrooms.

It's not funny, but it's fucking funny. Seriously.

When have you done this?

It was a mate's gaff. I went up to the jacks.

I walked in and I was like, "Is it OK if I'm in here?"

There were people drinking everywhere in the house so I said, "Is it OK?"

They're in there and it's like... They were sobbing, and I was like,

"I wanna sit down and see what's going on here."

They're like, "Oh, my God, please just stop vomiting all the time."

"it's upsetting me. Why can't you stop vomiting?"

"I think I've got it under control." And I'm like...

"Are you fucking serious?" It's creepy, man. That's creepy shit.

- But for them, that's talking. - Exactly.

This doesn't classify as talking because we're not talking about fucked-up stuff.

We're not all depressed, so it's not talking. Do you know what I mean?

Like, you have to be upset to have a chat.

Fuck that, like.

Oh, he's through!

Stop... Put me down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're doing it here on the beach.

- Hey, Liv. - Hey, sweetheart.

- How are you? - I'm good. Good to see you.

- And you. - Aw.

I just wanted to say thanks for the other day. Sophie told me.

Oh, yeah. That's no problem.

- Does her dad know? - She was "at her mother's".

Pat's dying to see you. He'll probably be all restrained and Protestant.

- So? - So what?

So, any women in your life?

- I'm very close to my mum. - Come on.

I'm a bit sick of all the silly stuff, Liv.

At 18?

- There he is now. - Hey, good to see you.