What We Do in the Shadows

for once, I agree with Gizmo.

You do overuse the vampiric hypnosis.

-What? And you don't? -I don't need to.

I can rely on my wit and wisdom, not cheap tricks and gambits.

Electrical audio recording.

Testing. One, two and...

My point being, I can wander about these humans

without having to resort to hypnosis.

I'm a student of the human condition,

a psychological chameleon, one might say.

Well, one might also say

that you have hypnotized your best friend Sean many times.

Yeah, to clear up your mess, but I don't say anything

that causes Sean any kind of alarm.

In fact, if you talk to Sean, he'll tell you

I'm just one of the guys.

Well, he's my friend, too.

That's 'cause he's a nice guy,

which makes it doubly embarrassing

when you say dumb shit like,

"I am a vampire, I've lived for 2,000 years.

"I like to suck-a the blood.

"Oh, shit. I fucked up.

I'll now have to hypnotize the whole fucking world."

-I don't do that. -You do do that.

You just said "Doo doo."

Touché. Can we get on with this?

I am not imagining anything.

Something is going very tits up with my life.

-In what ways? -I don't know, Colin Robinson.

How about, my nightclub got destroyed by fire?

-Which you set. -I was drinking

liquor blood every day for months.

I know, my darling, but we did all tell you to slow down.

-Slow down. -We did tell you to slow down. And no one,

none of you told me to slow down!

-Uh... -And now, my poor, precious little dolly

has got her body all mangled and minced up.

You did that by sitting on me.

While you were drunk on liquor blood.

After we told you to slow down.

-Yes. -This is never going to end.

Now, now, Nadja. There, there. It is going to end.

And I have just the thing that's going to help you.

Don't tell me, Nandor. Hypnosis.

Uh...

Hypnosis seems to be Nandor's solution

to every problem.

And as a fellow vampire, I find this artless,

and even embarrassing.

You plan to hypnotize my wife free of all her woes?

-No, actually. -Really?

What was it then?

You know what? The atmosphere in this room...

-Hey... -...is not really conducive to positive

contributions, so just forget it.

Surprise!

I'm back.

-Were you gone? -Yes.

I was gone for a while.

I have been sitting over there

at the Vampiric Council headquarters

wondering if you guys were going to come back.

After a while, I just decided,

"Maybe they forgot I even exist!"

Says here we're on track

for a higher than usual level of precipitation this month.

- No doubt. -Mm.

So, what did I miss?

What's the old gang been up to, huh?

Actually, I'm going to sit in that chair in a few minutes.

No problemo. It's more comfortable over here.

Any fun activities planned for tonight?

Yes, we're off for a night on the town

-with Sean and his friends. -Ha, ha!

Is this like a "Come one, come all" type deal?

Uh, not sure.

I'll give you a ring when I get there.

All right.

But you don't have a phone.

That was weird, right?

I know it's hard to break into a vampire clique.

Oh, no. What happened to your little body?

-She sat on me. -No.

They've never invited me to live in the house.

Apparently, they are not allowed to have a fifth vampire here,

due to some zoning regulation

that I have never heard of.

I was never much

of a wine guy when I was younger.

-Same. -But that's 'cause

we were drinking to get drunk.

Now that we're older,

you know, you can appreciate the concept of moderation.

Or Charmaine told you you better start appreciating it

if you don't want to keep sleeping

on an army cot in the garage.

-Come on. -Whoa. Why you got to bring that up?

Wine can of their wits the wise beguile,

make a sage frolic, and the serious smile.

Whoa! We got a fucking poet over here.

Classic Laz.

Now I'd like to claim that as my own,

it was actually written a long time ago by Homer.

Oh. Homer's great.

-Yeah. D'oh! -Yeah. D'oh.

Yes!

Wine is very cool.

Um...

That was... Nandor.

-Hmm. -Oh, me. But seriously,

yeah, how come you guys never drink?

I mean, I don't think I've ever seen you guys take a sip

of nothing ever.

-Uh... -Never?

-No? -No.

What's up with that?

Actually, uh, I drink lots of fluids.

-Oh. -Red fluids.

If Nandor were to engage his brain just once before speaking,

he would not fall back on hypnosis.

Much like your wine.

Except it is not wine. Hmm.

Okay.

-What is it then? -Um... -Um...

I don't know why I said that.

A real vampire uses

wit, wisdom and charm.

What he's trying to say is, um, he's more

of a Red Bull and vodka guy.

-Oh! -Oh! -Oh!

-Yeah. -Yes, yes.

The reason you don't see us drinking is,

'cause we pre-gamed before we got here very heavily.

There you go. Budget conscious.

And you never see us eat anything

'cause I don't want what's going down there

to come back up here and across your stupid faces.

Yeah!

See? Little charm goes a long way.

That was close.

And on top of this

bag of shit things that keep happening to me,

I've got no one to talk to about it.

I am here.

Yes, yes, but you know what I mean.

I have got absolutely

no really close female friends anymore.

None?

Nope. Go figure.

I just felt like

we had gotten closer

with the nightclub and everything,

and...

So you're telling me

you have no close female friends?

None at all.

What do I got to do?

It's got an ass-load of terroir.

-What the fuck do you know, terroir? -What do you mean?

Nandor, uh, I don't know whether you've noticed,

but Gizmo seems a bit odd lately.

Yeah, I mean, he's been a bit distant lately,

but I think it's because

I haven't given him enough shit work.

You know what it's like with familiars.

If you don't give them enough shit work,

then they have too much time

to contemplate their own pathetic existences.

I think it might be something else.

I have a theory, but I could just be imagining things.

I don't understand what's taking so long.

How long did it take when you were made into a vampire

to fully, you know, become a vampire?

For me it was, like, six to eight hours,

but as with all things, your mileage may vary.

It's been three weeks. Why am I not a vampire?

-I should be a vampire by now. -Maybe you are one,

and you just don't realize it.

Okay, hang on. Have you tried this?

Form of... Microchiroptera.

No.

I can't do that. If I could do that, I wouldn't be here.

-Have you tried? -Yes, of course, I've tried.

Try now.

Okay.

Bat.

Whoa! That is some freaky shit.

Hey, Derek? -Toilets!

-It's overflowing. -Yeah, um, I've got to...

Hold that thought.

Derek! -Coming!

I think I have everything we need.

For what?

All these troubles you're having--

I hate to say it, but I think it might be...

a hex.

Do you mean, like, a curse?

No, no, curses are just supernatural excuses

people make up for being losers.