Happy Endings

Perfect. Okay, I'll see you Sunday. Bye.

Damn, girl. You're planning the straight hizzell

out of that block party.

"Hizzell"? Are we just gonna let that slide?

It's gonna be great.

I'm gonna have a deejay in front of my store, bands,

- Dave's truck... - And I will be unveiling the new and improved version

of my classic steak sandwich.

I call it "Steak-Point-0."

- So we are just letting everything slide? - Oy.

- Um... - Okay, does everyone have

something to contribute for the silent auction?

I will be donating a free PR consultation.

Ohh. So Penny's offering nothing.

I'll be donating three centerpieces handmade by me,

perfect for any occasion--

a dinner party, holiday gathering,

centerpiece hall of fame induction ceremony.

Thanks, Jane. You make the best centerpieces.

I know.

Oh. Hey, buddy. How was the funeral?

- Sad. - Mm-hmm.

Mark was a great hairdresser

and a great guy.

42 years young, and then... pfft. Dead.

But the real tragedy is...

I need a haircut, and I ain't got no place to go.

Yeah, that's definitely the real tragedy here.

What about my barbershop?

Nah. I can't keep arguing with those guys

about Tyler Perry movies anymore.

Black folks like Tyler Perry, Max.

No, I love Tyler Perry movies.

It's Ray-Ray and Tooches that think it's implausible

for Madea to keep going back to prison.

But like I told them, mama got tax problems.

- You should go see Krisjahn. - Yeah.

Alex and I have been going to him for years.

Chris John?

- No. Krisjahn. - Christian.

- Mnh-mnh. - No. Krisjahn.

K-R-I-S-J-A-H-N.

Krisjahn. Very common gay-fake-French name.

No, no, Max. You're a man, like me.

You need to go to a man who cuts man hair man-style.

Trust me. I got a guy.

- Hey, guys. - Sacre bleu!

Dude, you look like Suze Orman if she stopped shaving.

You look like a keytar player in a Christian rock band.

- You look like Alf. - You look like an assistant manager

at a Jacksonville multiplex.

I think I need Chris John's number.

Krisjahn.

Wait. Am I seriously the only one feeling this?

Yes.

- What? - What?

Ugh.

- What?! - What?!

Okay, taste testers,

Steak Me Home Tonight and Dave Rose,

in conjunction with beef and cheese,

proudly present...

the Steak-Point-0.

- Mmm. - Yay.

- Mnh-mnh. No. - No. No.

- Ugh. Nope. Steak-point-no. - Mnh-mnh.

Sorry, but that tastes like...

outside.

If you made tea out of a taxi driver's underpants

and then... no. Fart paper.

- Yes. - That is definitely fart paper.

Am I tasting a hard yogurt? Is that a thing?

That is nowhere near as good as hard yogurt.

Dave, what happened to your old sandwich? It was great.

Boring!

I gotta mix it up a little bit, all right?

I'm not getting any new customers,

I got zero Tweets,

and the only review on Yelp I got was from my mom,

when she thought she was e-mailing me.

"Davey, what's the name of that movie

about the horse that goes to the war?"

Uh, "War Biscuit." Duh.

Say, Dave,

since I just did you a favor by eating your gross sandwich,

I'd like a favor in return.

See, I just bought this new armoire--

Well, it's been years since I appraised anything,

- but I guess I-- - No, I was hoping

I could borrow your truck to move it to my place.

Yeah. Sure. You need any help?

- No, thanks. I've got Alex and Jane. - Oh.

We used to move mattresses for our dad's store in the summer.

Ah, we made bank.

Remember that guy who tipped us extra

because we agreed to dress up as his dead daughters?

Jeffrey! We're Facebook friends.

Ah! Send me the link to that page.

- Oh, he'll love that. - Hmm.

Okay. Well, the truck's all yours.

But beware. She has some quirks.

- Now this unlocks the door. - Okay.

And this starts the engine.

Oh, and when you honk the horn,

she plays "Someone's In The Kitchen With Dinah."

- Why? - Because...

Dave, you are one of my oldest friends,

but if we met now, we'd be enemies.

Thanks for the truck!

Bye!

Oh, thank you so much for helping me, Krisjahn.

Anything for a friend of Alex and Jane's.

Sit back, relax, and we'll have you looking more "Max"

and less "retired air force lesbian" in no time.

Ahh, gay wit--

the white noise of the hair salon.

So... how is Alex's block party coming along?

Is that what's happening this week?

I-I-I have not been paying attention.

Jane doesn't think Alex can pull it off

'cause she's such a flake.

Hmm?

And Alex thinks thinks Jane's centerpieces are,

quote, "pieces from the center of a person's butt..."

What?

"And that person is not well, darling."

Do they talk that kind of trash

behind each other's backs to you?

They've been bitch-hissing about each other to me

for years, and not just the small stuff.

Unh! Now well don't stop there!

Give me all the good stuff, fellow gaylord.

- You want something big? - Oh, I want something big, girl.

Okay. Um... Jane thinks Alex is

a disappointment to their parents.

That... is... awesome.

Well, get this.

- Alex... - Uh-huh?

...says that Jane is only into black guys...

- Uh-huh? - ...because she lost her virginity

at the drive-in screening of "Big Momma's House."

Ohh! Hallelujah!

This is like gay Christmas!

Oh, hold up. That's the Oscars.

Right. Yes.

- Yeah. - Of course. I'm sorry.

Dude, check it out.

So I went to Krisjahn to get my hair fixed--

- That's fixed? - Whatever.

Anyway... he told me about all this trash

that Alex and Jane have

been talking about each other there for years.

I mean, really hurtful, venge-filled,

soul-crushing stuff.

It was hilarious.

- Yep. I know all about it. - You do?

That's how the Kerkoviches deal with their stuff.

They talk to someone else, never each other.

That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard,

and I've heard Alex and Dave talk about the Civil War.

Well, that's what they do.

I mean, Alex and Jane tried being honest

with each other, like, 20 years ago.

The fight lasted for weeks. The family never talks about it.

They just call it... "The incident."

That sounds amazing.

Yeah.

Dude... do not stir this up.

I don't need any more drama, all right?

Seriously, I just watched "Nurse Jackie,"

and I cannot handle any more drama right now.

- Of course not. - Thanks. Wait.

Are you doing that thing where you say, "of course not,"

and then you go do it anyway?

I would never do that to you, man.

Thanks.

Wait.

Now are you doing that thing where you say,

"I'd never do that to you, man" after I've questioned

the sincerity of your "of course not"?

Of course not. I would never do that to you, man.

Thanks, man.

Wait!

I like your hair.

- Thanks. - I'm lying.

Thank you, guys, so much for helping me with the armoire.

I guess you could say you're my knights in shining armoire.

Or you could not say it.

Up to you. I'm not your mouth boss.

But seriously, thank you.

Well, thank, uh, muscle-boobs over here.

She did most of the work.

I got it. It's all good. I got this.

- It's all in the legs... - Mm.

...from yay to hay.

Wait. Didn't we park Dave's truck right here?

Yeah.

Wait. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

- Do you know what this means? - Ghost truck?!

No, it means that Dave's truck was stolen.