The Eric Andre Show

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the...

"New ... Eric Andre show!"

What's up, man?

What's up, man? How you doing?

How's it going?

Uh, it's going pretty good.

Uh, what should I do?

You got to welcome. It's the second season.

– Yeah, yeah. You're right. – You got to do the monologue.

Ugh.

Yeah, yeah. Welcome people. And welcome!

Season 2, yall! Season 2. New look.

Shh-Shh...

New look, new life, new outlook.

You got a new suit.

New suit, new support. Got a new t-tube support.

Did I say, "tube support"?

Let's get into the monologue.

Okay. All right. Yeah.

– Okay. – D-d-d-d-d-d. Don't even tell me.

– All right. Don't even tell me.

Ah, man. So, uh...

Uh ... Lindsay Lohan, right?

Gosh.

Y-you know, what? I'm not even gonna go there.

So, okay.

Even though this is a new season, your joke writing, hasn't developed at all.

S-s-s-so, People Magazine...

...just named Gwyneth Paltrow the world's most beautiful woman.

Yeah, right. More like the county's least ugliest man.

Where's the growth, man?

Gwyneth Paltrow is a leech on society, and she needs to be stopped!

Immediately!

And if we don't put a stop to Gwyneth Paltrow,

Gwyneth Paltrow's gonna put a stop to us!

Hannibal's on board. It's like enough is enough, people.

I'm not on board with this at all.

This is so tragic, that even if you added to, infinity time...

...it still won't be able to become comedy.

Mother (BLEEP)

Whoa. Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

You all right, dawg?

You all right?

Oh.

You see this on the news?

That's not from the news.

Well, it's from something.

Okay, uh, our...our...our, our first guest, everybody.

Hey.

My luck, huh?

I love you.

Yeah.

Pbbbbbbbhhhhhhhhht!

You think we should be drone-bombing Pakistan?

Seems like a bit much, huh?

Are you eating a sandwich right now?

– You want some sandwich? – (LAUGHING) No. It came off the floor.

No, it didn't. It came off a napkin that was on the floor.

Oh, my god. He's leaving tuna-fish sandwiches on the floor behind the chair.

It's on a napkin.

You're from dunkin' donuts? It says here in my notes you worked there.

– I worked at dunkin' donuts, yes. Yep. – And you were a janitor in Boston,

...as well. What?

You familiar with bukkake?

Yes.

All right, we want to talk a... We want to talk about your new movie.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

What's wrong?

What is up with you?

All right, it's time to play, "These Are People"!

– (APPLAUSE) – (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS)

Yeah. Yeah,

Yah! "These Are People."

"Those are people." All-right.

A, B, C. Those are people.

Talk about people, 1, 2, 3. Okay, Maria, select your person.

Oh, my god. What is happening?

Just pick a person. Any person. I just pick person? Anything...

I'm gonna go for the dude in the middle.

Oh (BLEEP) I knew you were gonna shoot somebody!

I knew it! Oh, my god! How did I know that?!

Oh, my god. I have blood on me.

– (LAUGHING) Ew. – (APPLAUSE)

What's your name again?

Free trips, to uh... the Statue of Liberty.

Hey, free trips for any lesbos that do a little kissy-kissy in front of me.

All my sores is healed up. I'm good. I'm good!

You think you're better than me?

Free trips to the Statue of Liberty.

Oh, god... I'm making a mess.

Ohhhhh...

Sweet relief.