Lenny

Oh, I would say, uh...

He was busted nine or 10 times,

twice for possession of narcotics

and three, four times for obscenity.

Um...

Ladies and gentlemen, Lenny Bruce.

Did you know Eleanor Roosevelt gave Lou Gehrig the clap?

What did he say? Jesus Christ, that's cruel!

Going that low for laughs. What's the point? That's bad taste.

The point...

The point is the suppression of words.

Now, dig.

Here it is 1964,

and every doctor I know tells me that a certain disease

is on its way to becoming an epidemic again

when everybody knows, or they should know,

that one shot in the ass knocks it out. Right?

And yet, there it is. VD, right up there with the top 10.

Why? Because nobody talks about it. Nobody even wants to say the word.

In fact, the community chest hits on you.

Do you say, "Excuse me but how much of my dollar is going for the clap?" (LAUGHS)

I don't think you do, man.

What we have to do is, we must start talking about it.

We need to get some of our national heroes

to admit that they've had it. All right.

Eleanor Roosevelt gave Lou Gehrig the clap.

She also gave it to Chiang Kai-Shek.

And he gave it to J. Edgar Hoover, man,

which is how it really spread.

All right. A boy gets the clap. Can't go to his father?

Forget it man, he can't relate to his father.

He's likely to go to some schmuck who sweeps up the drugstore.

Not even a druggist.

"Hey man, hey man, come here I got to talk to you." "What's the matter?"

"Listen, I got the clap." "Oh Jesus. Where'd you get that?"

"Painting a car, schmuck! What's the difference? I got it"

"What do you want from me?" "You work here. Give me some pills."

"All right."

"Dexedrine spansules. Is this good?"

"It's all the same horseshit. Keeps you awake so you know you got it."

"I want these pills because I got a good job.

"I don't want to get laid off."

"Where you working?" "The meat packing plant."

Here's what we need.

Jerry Lewis goes on television,

and instead of getting hung up with muscular dystrophy,

he'd have a clapathon!

Forget it. It'll never happen.

Why? Because talking about it

makes you the worst person in the community.

When did you meet Lenny?

It was back in 1951, Baltimore.

I was, uh, headlining...

Headlining? I was working at this club.

A-one, two... A-one, two, three, four!

Now, when the saints

Go marchin' in, yeah!

Now, when the saints go marchin' in

Yeah!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Here's the moment you've been waiting for.

So may we present...

Hot Honey Harlow!

Let's hear it, everybody!

Oh...

Eddie...

Look at that hair.

Who's the guy by the window?

Lenny Bruce. He's a comic.

What kind of comic?

Lousy.

I think I know her.

Fake hair.

Really?

He's cute.

Cute? He does crap...

Old jokes. Lousy impressions.

I really had problems when I was a kid, you know.

It wasn't until I was eight years old

that I figured out my name wasn't Shut Up.

All right, how about some bird impressions?

Uh, bobwhite.

Bobwhite backwards.

A duck.

A swallow. (GULPS)

A goose.

Wooo!

Ever feel like you're in an amateur contest

and you're losing?

Let's get back to the sure-fire stuff.

Let's go to the show business hall of fame

where the emcee is my good friend

the old schnozola himself.

It's granite out there.

I went into the shoe store.

I said, "Do you sell alligator shoes?"

And the clerk said, "What size does your alligator wear?"

You're really something, Durante.

I'd like to introduce my favorite singer,

Vaughan Monroe.

Racing With The Moon...

If his act was lousy,

then something must have attracted you.

What was there about him?

Well, he was just, um...

I don't know.

Huggable.

Thank you.

My mother's a comic.

I got out of service,

changed my name.

What's your real name?

Uh... Leonard Alfred Schneider.

Well, why did you change it?

- Too Jewish. - (LAUGHS)

I like the name Bruce.

Bruce sounds like the captain of the football team.

That's why I changed it,

but the first Bruce I met tried to kiss me.

418, please.

What hotel are you at?

Uh...

621, please.

Here? You're kidding?

No.

Well?

Well?

Aren't you going to answer it?

Why?

How do you people really feel about doing it?

Isn't that about

the dirtiest thing we could do to each other?

I mean, it's really not nice, doing it.

The worst insult is, "Fuck you, mister."

If I wanted to hurt you,

I should say, "Un-fuck you, mister."

Because "fuck you" Is really nice, man.

Hello, Ma! It's me!

I just got back.

Aw, fuck you, Ma!

Sure, I mean it.

Is Pop there?

Aw, Pop, my Pop...

Fuck you, too, Pop.

What?

I can't believe it.

I just cannot believe it.

That I'm eating?

Yeah, that you're eating.

No, that you're here and I'm with you.

I can't believe it.

Do you know the first time I saw you in the cafeteria,

I wanted to go up and say,

"I'm Lenny Bruce. I got the hots for you."

Why didn't I do that?

Why didn't you do that?

It would've saved time.

It would've saved time.

I know why.

Shy.

Yes.

I've always been shy.

Even as a kid?

Even as a kid.

I've tried to get over it,

but I've always been very shy.

When you get right down to it,

I'm just...

Basically...

A very shy...

Person.

Ho ho.

Don't you have to go to work?

Yes, but I should stay here

and try to solve this problem of extreme shyness.

Maybe I shouldn't be telling you some of this,

but, uh...

It was quite a week.

Honey.

Listen, someday I'd like you to meet my mother.

You stayed together then?

No. I went to Miami to work,

but Lenny called every day.

One day, he said he was coming down.

He couldn't stand being without me.

We're all the same schmuck...

And it cracks me up

that we try to be unique

when we're all the same cat.

Every cat's got that one chick

who really busted up his ass.

Wow!

Oh, he's here!

Just a minute.

There he stands in his underwear,

pleading like a dummy.

"Please, will you touch it once?

"You never touch it."

"Even when I don't feel like touching it?" "Yeah."

"Even when I don't get any pleasure from it?"