Soul to Keep

- She's out. - How?

I don't know.

Does your butt hang low?

Do your boobs hang low?

Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie 'em in a knot?

Can you tie 'em in a bow?

I feel like we're back in fifth grade.

Like a continental soldier? Do your boobs hang low?

I can't take it anymore.

Would you please shut up?

- Thank you. - Dicks!

Does your dick hang low?

Does it wobble to and fro?

Can you tie it in a knot? Can you tie it in a bow?

Can you throw it over shoulder

Like a continental soldier?

I fucking hate you twins.

Fucking X-Men mutants.

Farts.

Does your fart hang low?

Farts? That's not even a thing.

Jesus Christ.

I will give you Aunt Mary and my larger testicle

if you just shut up!

And deal. Minus the testicle.

Boom, bitches.

What now? Oh, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

That's right. Oh, yeah.

Ooh, yeah, you like that.

Mmm, mmm, mwah.

How'd my ass taste when it was passing you, Joshy?

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Yeah, me too.

I'll never understand how those two are together.

No, I think she really means she's gonna be sick.

- Oh. - Shit.

Just like old times.

- Josh, beer? - Yeah.

No offense,

but your grandfather's place is a dump.

- Brandon. - Well, it is.

I'm not saying something they don't know.

It's been a long time since we've seen it.

At least ten years.

I remember jumping on that trampoline for days.

It used to be a happy place.

- And now? - Told you, it's a dump.

And now it's our dump.

You better believe it.

To Pop Pop...

who was awesome enough to leave this house to our parents,

who knew they weren't gonna do shit with it,

and gave it to us.

To Pop Pop.

To Pop Pop.

Grace tells me he drowned.

Yeah, looks like he slipped in on the north side.

Never found the body.

What? You mean he's still there?

- Yep. - You're shitting me.

Hey, guys...

check this out.

It's like he's still here.

Maybe he is.

Whoo-ooh!

Weird.

Hey, yo, Josh? What's the Wi-Fi password?

Don't have one, dude.

No reception either.

Aw, no vlogging for Freddy.

How are he and his six followers going to survive?

FYI, bitch-face,

I'm over 400 now, right?

Pretty soon, I'll have more than you, DJ Asshat.

In your wildest wet dreams, Freddy.

Whatever, I'll just upload this shit

when we get back to civilization.

Problem solved.

Except for this poor guy.

Think he's seen better days, huh?

Aah! Aah! Josh!

Toby!

Hey, what's wrong?

It moved.

Something's in there.

Aah!

Oh, my God.

Brilliant reaction, Toby. I loved it.

- Fuck, Freddy! - Ow, Jesus.

I need a little bit more from you next time.

- Turn that shit off. - Whoo!

Take a look.

Any reason the basement's on lockdown?

Oh, yeah, Pop Pop was crazy like that.

He always kept it locked.

One time when Erin was eight,

she got stuck in there by mistake.

I remember that. She spent

- the whole night down there. - Oh, brutal.

Trust me, you do not want to get stuck down there.

Toby, shut up. Toby, shut up.

- Knock it off. - Toby.

Okay, next one.

And then Odysseus said,

"For Zeus had smitten

"my swift ship

with his bright thunderbolt,

"and it had shattered in the mist

of the wine-dark sea."

Yeah.

Damn.

Damn. That's sick.

Yo, I want a photographic memory, T.

Can you teach me?

How sweet would that be...

to be a god, be like Zeus?

Zeus was a slut.

Perks of being the All-father.

I'm just saying you should aspire

to be someone higher like Buddha or Yahweh.

Yo, they don't have

the fucking lightning bolts, though.

"Thou art dead, Testicles."

Can I get a whoopeth-whoopeth?

- No. - No.

Y'all suck.

My God.

He's... he's seriously insane.

He's got scouts watching the games now.

So he's really dedicated. Fuck you.

"Scouts."

Hey.

What?

Oh!

What is the name of the game?

Thumper!

Why do we play?

To get fucked up!

Ugh! Ugh!

Ugh! Ugh!

Drink, motherfucker! Drink, motherfucker!

Drink, motherfucker! Drink!

- Whoo! - Nice.

All right, keep going, keep going.

Rodeo! Rodeo! Rodeo!

Shit.

Drink, motherfucker! Drink, motherfucker!

Drink, motherfucker! Drink!

What's the name of the game?

Fuck me.

All right, what is the name of the game?

Thumper!

Whoo!

Ooh-ga-cha-ca.

What's with the friggin' balloon?

It's the vibration. It helps her feel the music.

Get off your ass, douche bag.

You are a God.

- This is so cray-cray. - Yeah.

I think the last time we did this...

We were eight.

And now it is a tradition.

My cooch is a popsicle.

Holy shit.

We are definitely not in Kansas anymore.

This is so not like I remember it.

Why didn't we do this in high school?

I don't know.

Sometimes you got to step away from a perfect thing

to know just how amazing it is.

Perfect thing, huh?

You know it.

Okay, here's the billion-dollar question.

- Why am I with him? - He's just so not you.

Jock, pretty boy, caveman,

steroid addict.

Beautiful, intelligent, wonderful, awesome Wiccan girl.

A dark Wiccan girl.

Sorry. I forgot.

Wiccans are nice witches all into the Earth.

Dark Wiccans are into what's below it.

- Still, it's a mismatch. - I don't know.

Dark Wiccan girl one-night stand

with jock, pretty boy caveman leads

- to 103 one-night stands... - Oh, no, I can't.

And counting.

You know, pretty soon you're going to have

to start going to his baseball games,

serving him protein shakes in bed,

hanging with the ball wives on the road!

Hurrah! Go, Brandon!

Kill me now. Thank you.

You do realize that there could be

someone out there that can give you everything you want.

And being with jockstrap is kind of hurting your chances.

Yeah, I know.

Sometimes I even wonder why we're together.

I mean, he can be an obnoxious jerk,

like, most of the time.