Shall We Dance?

A million and a half people ride the El trains every day.

Over 20 years, I've written wills for about 8.000 of 'em.

I've sat with 'em as they've combed through their assets.

Figured out which kid gets the painting over the fireplace,

which one gets the antique spoon collection.

Last thanks, parting shots, confessions... People try to fit it all in.

And once I've finished, another life has been summed up -

assets and debts tallied, then zeroed out.

You initial here and there, you sign at the bottom...

then, If you're like most clients, you look up, smile,

and you ask the question I've heard for 20 years: "Is that it, then?"

"That's it for the paperwork", I tell 'em. "The rest is up to you."

Ohh, wow. Beautiful.

All right, make a wish.

Sorry. I just have to take this call.

- Did you win? - "Take this call"?

- She's 14. How can she be "taking calls"? - Jen, not now. Now's not the time.

Remind me, why was it we agreed to give her the phone?

- Emergencies. - Which this is, by the way.

Serious problem over there.

Get off, Jen. Now, please. Come on.

- All right! - Come on, get off.

Yeah, my dad's just gonna blow out about a million candles. Bye.

All right, everyone, are we all happy now?

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you.

- Sorry about the bathrobe. - What do you mean?

Oh, I just had such a hard time getting you a present.

I love this bathrobe.

I think the problem is that you never really want anything.

- That's not true. - That's true.

- Tell me one thing that you really want. - What you gave me tonight.

Evan coming home, everyone's at dinner, that cake you make...

Tell me one thing that you want that comes in a box.

I rest my case.

Yes! That's it! That's it! That's what we needed.

Good night, Mary. I left the Anderson will on your desk.

Night, Bill.

Next stop. Sedgwick.

Hello. I'm home.

There's a female bonding ritual going on in the den.

- I know. - What are they doing in there?

Tattooing "I love Satan" on their foreheads, piercing their bellybuttons, stuff like that.

- Great. What did you say about that? - I said, "Don't get any blood on the couch."

I worry about Jenna. She's too beautiful. That's your fault.

- Here, sign this. - What is it?

- It's your mom's birthday card. - Oh, God, thank you.

- How was your workout? - Same. How are you?

Fine. You know, ordering the spring line at the store, yada-yada.

- I've got to get going. - I thought you just got here.

Yeah, but it's the fundraiser at Jen's school.

So your dinner's in the oven and the girls have already eaten.

Can we go see a movie sometime?

Yeah. Or at least we could look at the ads in the paper together.

How are you doing?

Fine.

Check on them now and then, OK?

Don't wait up.

Get out of here, Dad!

Bev? It's not true that I don't want anything.

Bev?

Doors open on the right.

- Doors closing. Next stop, Sedgwick. - Excuse me.

Oh, my God. What are you doing? What are you doing?

You know what? I'm gonna just go up.

Oh, my God.

That was a great class.

Come on.

- Are we goin' up, or what? - I'm just trying to...

Here.

- OK, don't do that. - Do what?

Stand there looking dumb. It's just not cute in a guy your age.

Be a doll and help me carry my clothes.

Come on. And stop lookin' at my ass.

I'll try.

T... A... N-G-O...

T... A... N-G-O...

T... A... N-G... Oh!

- I found him at the bottom of the stairs. - Um... Uh...

Paulina, could you help?

Excuse me.

May I help you?

The sign said "Feel free to watch."

Are you here for lessons?

Yes.

- Mr...? - Clark.

Are you registering as a couple or as a single?

Single. I mean, not that I'm...

Single. Yeah, just me.

Single privates are $45 an hour. If you buy six at a time, the price per class drops $5.

- Have you ever danced before? - No. No. But I'm a fast learner.

We're starting a new intro ballroom series for singles.

I recommend that beginners start with that. There's still room in the class.

It meets every Wednesday at 7:30, for eight weeks.

All right.

Right, Wednesdays, 7:30. Great.

Great. Well...

- I'll come back then. Thank you. - Mr. Clark?

Where are you going? The class starts tonight.

Tonight?

Oh, right, yeah. Wednesday, 7:30.

You can wait over there. We'll begin shortly.

OK...

Hey. I'm Vern.

John.

- You beginning ballroom? - Yeah, looks that way. Yeah.

- Chic. Hey. - Hey.

So, you dance much?

High-school prom. "Stairway to Heaven."

- You? - Not even a prom. I didn't go.

Anybody see any girls? I mean, I'm here for the babes, right.

I mean, it can't be just us, can it?

Guys dancin' with guys ain't my kinda thing, you know? No offense, sir.

None taken.

Hi.

See the slinky one with the eyebrows? That's me - if you don't mind.

I know you won't mind.

- Be my guest. - All right.

Work the goods.

Oh, yeah. Here they come. Come to Papa.

Here they...

Ouch.

Memories of high school, huh, boys?

Good evening, gentlemen, and welcome to the beginner's ballroom class.

My name is Miss Mitzi. I am the owner of this dancing establishment,

and I am going to be your teacher. Disappointed that I'm older?

Yes. I mean, no. I mean...

Hey, you look... experienced.

Forward, side, closed... Back, side, close.

Very good, Chic. Is it "Chick," or "Sheek"?

- Whoa! "Chick." - "Chick."

- Yes. Very good. - Easy.

Remember to use the balls of your feet.

Wait a minute, Vern. Where is your right foot?

- It's right back there. See? - Yes, I know. It hasn't moved, has it?

Not yet.

- Well, now would be a good time. - OK.

- OK? Close. - Close...

Excellent. Very good.

All right. Forward, side, close. Back, side, close.

One, two, three, rise.

- Hey, hey, hey! - You guys saw that?

Excellent, gentlemen. Excellent.

Keep your sticks up. Promenade.

- And... - Counter-promenade.

Let me see what you're doing. Ah!

- Miss Mitzi, I'm sorry. Sorry. - God! Jesus!

- I said I'm sorry. - Put the stick down.

We're not gonna play with these sticks anymore if you boys won't behave.

A little faster this time. And...

Heel, toe, toe-toe, toe, heel, toe-toe.

Excuse me. When we go forward, is it heel-toe or toe...

It's forward, heel, toe, toe...

So it's back... Whoa...

Harder than it looks, isn't it, gentlemen?

Well, you've all done very very well for your first lesson.

And before you leave tonight,

I'm gonna give you a little incentive to keep on dancing.

Paulina?

Would you and Francesco mind giving our new students a little demonstration?

Certainly, Miss Mitzi.

Daphne?

Thank you, Paulina.

Whoo! Whoo!

That was beautiful.

- You all right? - Yeah, I'm good.

Hey, guys, wait up. I'm comin'.

Great. How lucky for us.

- Hey. - Where are we goin'?

- Somewhere close. - Yeah. I haven't got long.

Anyway. You guys. Don't go to Jim's.

They got a bad roach problem there around the corner.

You're gonna go anywhere after class, you come here, OK? Thank you.

Why'd you guys decide to take dance, anyway?

- I'm gettin' married in September. - Nice.

Yeah. My bride said she'd like to see me lose a few pounds.

She thinks the dancing will help. I said it won't.

- I think you'll win that argument. - I'm taking classes to impress the ladies.

You know what they say about guys who can dance, right?

- That they're great in bed. - Yeah, baby.

- Where do you get that stupid crap? - Everywhere. What do you think?

Everybody knows a guy who can move on the dance floor can move in the sack.

Most guys, they can't dance at all. Guys who can, they get their pick of the litter.

That's why, when I'm done with this class, babes will drop at my feet.

They're gonna be droppin' dead at your feet.

When you took your shoes off in class today, I had to run to the window for air.

What kind of person says something like that to somebody they don't even know?

Hey, man, I'm doin' you a favor.

I'm telling you something obnoxious about yourself that you might not be aware of.

If there's something obnoxious about me that you don't think I'm aware of,

y'all should feel free to say something about it to me.

Shooting fish in a barrel.

- Where are all the ladies, anyways? - I don't know what I'm talking about.

The ladies, they all go and take the classes down at Doctor Dance -

that's, like, the hip place to go downtown. Ditzy Mitzi's is only hangin' on by a thread.

Only reason I go there is she lets me rehearse whenever I want for free.

I'm gonna compete in the Chicago Taittinger Trophy.

Soon as I find a partner.

So... that leaves you.

Leaves me? How? What?