The Ricky Gervais Show

For the past few years Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington

have been meeting regularly

for a series of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing. - Is that all right?

Hello and welcome to "The Ricky Gervais Show"

with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant...

- Hello. - ...And t little round-headed buffoon

that is Karl Pilkington.

Hi.

Karl, when was the last time you reminisced?

Well, my mom and dad have been around, haven't they?

- So been reminiscing a lot. - Yeah yeah.

- Um... - What were you thinking about?

We're just chatting about tic tacs.

One of the great memories, yeah.

- Happy memories. - Now, I used to love them

when I was younger.

- Me dad got a load of them. - What, this year?

No no, years ago. Years ago when I loved them.

I said I loved tic tacs, me.

- Yeah. - He met one of his mates.

- He didn't Nick them from the sweetshop? - No no.

No, he knew some mate who could get his hand on a load.

Right. Thief... He was a thief.

He must have got about 30 crates of tic tacs.

30 crates of tic tacs?!

Honestly. About 24 in each crate.

We got them stuck in a cupboard under the...

Just in the kitchen in the corner.

Yeah.

Now I worked my way through about six crates.

- I was quite happy. - When... in how long?

I don't know, in about two weeks, three weeks, or something.

And then after that, I'm getting sick of these.

- Right. - Yeah, you were minty fresh.

Oh, lovely fresh breath.

Yeah, but I haven't got that much more to tell you about it.

- It's just... - I'm sorry. Whoa whoa whoa.

Bear in mind, this was something he was

recently reminiscing with his parents about. They were sat round

and we've already learned up to an hour could go by reminiscing.

So for an hour talking about the great tic tac saga.

I've already run out of responses.

I've got nothing to say about that.

- No opinion, eh? - I was nearly gonna say

what'd you do with the empty little flicky tic tac boxes,

then you realized that that's utterly dull and boring and not very interesting.

I was struggling. I don't know what this anecdote is

other than a bloke... other than you said to your dad, "I like tic tacs, me."

He went, "All right, I'll talk to Albert. Albert, you got tic tacs?"

"I've got 30 crates if that'll do you."

"Bring them around. Put them under the cupboard."

"He's gone through 12 crates." "What's his breath like?"

"Fucking lovely, but he's being sick all over the cunting place."

"Oh, do you want some more?" "No, of course we fucking don't."

"You'll talk about that in a few years' time." "Of course we will,

for about a fucking hour. Then we'll bring it up in an audiobook."

That's... I think that's how we got on to it.

Because even though... I tried to get rid of a load.

I used to give them to mates, take them to school,

say, "Have some tic tacs. You can have them for free."

We used a load in the cat litter tray.

- No! No, you didn't. - We did.

- No, you didn't. - It was just ways of getting rid of them.

Jesus Christ!

Sort of freshy... sort of freshy smell, isn't it?

- That's amazing. - It's the same sort of condensity in that.

Condensity? It's the same condensity.

- Similar condensity. - Yeah, so I got rid of them like that.

And then the weird thing was even though I'd got shut of them all,

um, you'd be vaccing up and you'd always hear one

tinging its way up the tube.

It's tinging its way up the tube.

That sounds like something from "Willy Wonka."

- Oh God. - No, I'm just demonstrating that.

Because that's how many there were around the house.

You'd drop them and they'd go in every corner,

like Pac-Man or something. They'd be everywhere.

- You'd be vaccing up, tinging it up. - Amazing.

"Sheila's getting married. I'm gonna get some confetti."

"Don't buy any confetti. Go to cupboard under stairs."

So, um, so that's a little memory there, isn't it?

- It is a little memory. - It's a really little memory.

The strange tic tac house in Salford

where everything is made of tic tacs.

Wow, that must have been a helluva time you had with your parents

there in your tic tac reminiscence.

No, but it's better. You see, you're saying,

"Oh, what a boring story that is"...

"You've regraveled the drive."

"Yes, smell it.

Suck... suck the drive if you want."

- Fucking hell. - No, but it's different.

When me mom and dad are there and they can remember that,

they're going, "Oh yeah yeah, the tic tac incident."

- The tic tac... - What's known as the tic tac incident.

The tic tac incident.

"Let us never speak of the tic tac incident."

I just imagine the clock ticking. It's Christmas day.

"What are you smiling at?"

"Oh, remember it used to ting up the tube."

You should think about sending this to Hollywood.

Listen, what do you remember then?

- What do I remember? - What do you remember?

That's an amazing thing to say.

- That's a difficult question to answer. - Nothing. Nothing at all.

Karl, I know you like to be kept abreast

of all the latest-breaking science news.

Did you read recently about the blind mice

that they have been able to make see again?

And hopefully they're... they're... whatever they did

which allowed these mice to be able to see again,

they're hoping to be able to do with humans

in maybe about 10 years' time or at least begin tests.

Extraordinary, isn't it, to be able...

I mean, to be able to cure blindness

would be a remarkable achievement in science.

It is, but it's just that thing how they say they've done it on mice

- and what have you. - Yeah.

If I was blind and I went in for the meeting...

the doctor... and they said,

"Do you want yours doing?"

And then they said, like,

"We've done it on mice." That wouldn't be good enough for me.

I'd say, "Look, when the blind fellow gets in, don't say 'we've done it on mice.'

just say, 'we've done this on eyes.'"

Because...

"If he goes, 'What eyes?' Say, 'Just a pair of eyes.'"

as soon as you say mouse's eyes, it's like, well, it's not the same

and it sort of... it would make me go, "I'll leave it."

Yeah, and then you wake up and you can see,

but you've got very tiny eyes. "You've put in mice eyes!

I'm scared of cats."

It's just eyes. I don't like havin' me eyes messed with.

Even if I was blind, I wouldn't like it.

- Right. - Uh...

And I think that mine are more active than most,

- my eyes. - What do you mean?

Um...

Well, I went for a what's-her-name.

Steve, you don't know. I've had problems with me legs.

Oh, Christ almighty.

He's the same... What are you, 33?

- He's a hypochondriac. - And you talk like you're a 70-year-old man.

Honestly, the slightest thing...

He's got time off work for this.

Oh, he went to the dentist three times in one week.

He goes and has his legs rubbed two times a week

- for some reason. - No, I don't, I don't.

In and out of the kidney hospital and they're going,

"There's no kidney stone, Mr. Pilkington."

He's going, "All right." Christ almighty.

Do some fucking work.

No, the thing is I've been... in the last, like,

30-odd years I've been working hard

and I've let my body get rundown a bit.

How have you... you're 30... what are you?

30... 33.

Right, 33. Sorry to start off with such a hard question.

But how have you been working for 30 years?

Well, I just have.

- I've got on with it. - At three, at three?

- No, I'm just saying. - You didn't get on with anything at school.

- You were just pissing about. - Yeah.

You weren't working out there.

What was the first job you got?

- How old were you? - Uh, I was 15.

Right okay, so you've been working for 15 years then, okay good.

But I had me paper route when I was 10 and that was hard graft.

That's why I'm bald and that... getting up at half 4:00.

It all adds up, doesn't it? It all adds up.

- So anyway... - Mmm.

I kicked my height when I was a kid.

He always says this like it's a classic story that everyone should know.

- Everyone knows, right. - And also the phrase "kicking my height,"

explain what you mean.

I just kicked my height when I was...

Kick your... No one understands, Karl.

You kicked your leg up to the height you were at that time.

- Yeah. - "I kicked my height," it's not a well-known phrase.

You can't just go, "I kicked my height."

So you were... so you were 4 1/2'

and you've put your toe up into the air 4 1/2' by kicking.

Yeah, but I landed on me back.

Right, okay. Imagine seeing that in the playground.

They go, "Get Karl Pilkington to kick his height."

"I bet he falls over like a fucking penguin."

It wasn't in the playground. Me dad got me to do it in the garden.

- Brilliant. They sell tickets. - Why did you fall?

The neighbors were cracking up.

Why did you fall over? Did you hit yourself in the head?

I kicked me height. I mean, me leg got high up,

but I was that chuffed that I got that high

I didn't think of putting me leg down again.

Everyone said, "Look, like, what the fuck did that little bloke... "

he's got to think it all through. I thought it was automatic.

- It stayed there. - You sort of stay balanced.

- Christ almighty. - "Oh, I'm loving this. This is brilliant.