The Baby Has Landed - First Season

In a way, I'm glad it's my last day today. I'm tired now.

I'm ready, yeah.What are you going to do with yourself, then, Syler?

Well, I'm hopefully going to have a baby!

Three pushes, and then he's here! Three pushes and that's it.

It will be fine! Then they give you an injection now

so you don't even have to push your afterbirth out.

When you pass that baby, you don't even care about the afterbirth,

trust me! That's the least of your worries!

That's the least of your worries!

I've tried to tell you about the colour of the poo.

It's like treacle! And it stinks. Foul.

Yeah, I do remember that.

Nobody prepares you for that.

SHEEP BLEATS

This one's due in the middle of lambing!

What's the meaning of life? It's to reproduce!

I've got the name up, if you want to look.Oh, that looks so much better.

Silence, no noise. That's going to change, isn't it?

BABY LAUGHS

Are you looking forward to meeting these babies?Yeah.

So whose idea was this, then? Not mine!

SHE LAUGHS

BABY LAUGHS

To make things easier, you're going to have to help Mum and Dad.

So, put school things away. Wake up on time.

BABY CRIES

Emily is five, Edward is four.

Charlotte just turned three, and Rebecca is 18 months.

And then this one, who gets here next week.

And then I think we're done.

BABY CRIES

Right, hopefully the next time I see you, I'll have a baby!

Seems real now. Don't, because I might cry!

It could be the best baby in the world,

but it's not going to be easy.

Hello.

How are you?How are you? What's it like?What?

I'm saying what's he like?Big. He's not been born yet.Has he not?

No, she's still got him in her belly, that's what I'm saying.

Oh, I thought she'd had the babby. No, not yet.

Oh, flipping heck.

SHE LAUGHS

Are you coming in tomorrow, in the morning, Mo, or not?Yes, I am.

Are you sure?And are you staying in?Because I'm telling you now,

let me just say, if you don't want to come, that's fine.I'm coming.

But don't say you're going to come and then not come.

You don't see anything, you stay at the top end.He's staying.

That's why they have to...

She's going to be down that end, legs akimbo...

What's bothering me, though, if you go out that room.

What is going to happen?He's really getting me worked up about it.

Come on. It's because you're tired. Come on.

If he goes out of the room for five minutes, he can come back in.

He's not going to leave you. Are you?No, it's true.

I'm not going to leave you, babe. He's not. Come on. Here you are.

Don't worry. I'm going to be there. Come on. You need some rest.

No, but you say you're going to be there to me,

but then I'm hearing different things off different people.

So you're obviously saying other things to other people.

Stop worrying about me being there.

But Kayla said to me, Mo said he's going to walk out.

Listen, listen. Sit in there and get it sorted.

If you don't want to be there, then you don't want to be there.

Yeah, I know. Come on.

But you don't dare not turn up because I tell you now,

I'll knock you all over that bedroom.

And I'll hand myself into the police station, after she's had the baby!

Emily, come over here. Come over here. Come over here.

I'm not going to be ready in five minutes.You're not?No.

Edward, socks. Where are your socks?

Charlotte, are you ready to go to Nana's?Yes.

Have you got everything? What are you chewing?

What's that?

What is it?

Don't put those in your mouth. Oh, that's the wrong foot.

Rebecca, darling, no, we're not going yet.

Edward, it's fine, I'll get her.

We don't need Rebecca halfway down the drive, do we?

Who threw my coat on the floor?

Right, Charlotte, are you ready to go out to the car with Daddy?

Where are your shoes? Who put them in here?Me.

Is Rebecca taking shoes and wellies? No, but Charlotte has.

I mean has Charlotte got shoes?

Charlotte's got shoes in her suitcase.

Rebecca hasn't any socks, if you're upstairs.

This is the mad rush to leave the house.

And then once we've got these two off to school,

we're going to take the other two over to my mum and dad.

And then we're going to go to the hospital and have a baby!

Charlotte, the rest of the stuff's in the boot, OK?

I don't want you leaving her when she needs you the most.

Yeah, this is what I'm saying.

The point is, if I ask you to stay, you're going to stay.Yeah.

If you go in, you need to be in there until the end.

Because I tell you now...

I don't expect you to be down there looking at stuff.

You don't go down that end, you're just there to keep her

and hold her hand and let her scream and shout and squeeze you.

Don't bite my hand, please. I won't bite your hand.

Why are you obsessed with people biting your hand in labour!

You asked Grandad if Nana bit his hand. Nobody is going to bite you.

I'm telling you now, don't worry about her biting your hand,

worry about me knocking you out!

No, I'm just saying that it's my way in Egypt and your way here,

so I'm trying to meet in the middle.

And I thought, hey up, here we go.

First crush, teenage crush, is what I thought.

This one, like, sums up how we was.

We sat and spoke to Mo and we sort of talked him round

to coming here rather than her go there.

Grandad, do you having any washing? Eh?Do you having any washing?

Do you have any washing?

In Egypt, the women go in and have the babies,

the men take them to the hospital and then they wait outside

and they get a phone call when the baby's born. Then they go in.

So I think Mo's just got that in his head that that's how it was

going to be. You don't know what to do.

Trying to keep them happy, trying to keep yourself calm.

It's just too much, to think about one thing.

So at the minute I'm just agreeing. Following what they're saying.

Saying that I'm going to be there.

Do you have children?I've got one little girl, yeah.Oh, how old?

Nearly four.And how's that? Amazing!Yeah?

It's the best thing ever, isn't it? She hasn't hit four!

It's all downhill after that!

How do they feel about having another sibling?

Everyone's excited. But Edward is just a bit, "It'd better be a boy."

"What if it's not a boy?" And just, my gut says it's not.OK.

Get a dog?!I mean, that's the other option, you can pick their gender!

Yes, you're allowed to!

Nigel says no to a dog. Nigel says no to everything.

He said no to children! Look how he's doing!

How do you think baby number five is going to change family life?

I think it'll just slot in.

It'll have to slot into what we've got going on at the moment,

because we've never really changed when the next one's turned up.

It's always just been a case of it fits in

to what else is going on with the rest of them.

Yeah, I can't see it changing anything too much.

Nine across. Sword handle. Hilt?

Sword? Yeah.Hilt. Four down. Doddery.

Old.Six letters.

Aged.Six letters!

Carry on. 21 down, torment.

Five letters, middle letter is R.

Erm... Torment...

Set of ships. Five letters. Fleet.Fleet.

Justice, four, four.

18 across, paper for presents. Wrapping.Four, four.

Alcoholic pudding.

OK?

Yeah, that was a big one. The one before it was a big one!

Carry on with the crossword, or...? Yeah.

I'll go in the water. Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Breed of hunting dog?

You have your contraction and then come back to me!

SHE SCREAMS

Just breathe. No pushing.I can't help it.Just breathe. Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Beautiful. Good.

Good. Hi!

Good.

Oh, my sweet.

HE SINGS

What's wrong? What's wrong? Mummy, what's wrong?

I'm just upset.

Mummy, don't cry.

Mummy, please don't cry.

Mummy, what's wrong?

I want Ramiyah to come now. And she didn't come?No.Don't cry.

We are best friends.

I'll get a tissue.

You don't have to cry about it. There's your tissue.

Mummy, don't cry, Mummy.

I just want her to come. The children want her here now.

And I think there's, like, big pressure to deliver a healthy baby.

She'll come. She listens to me, that's the thing, she listens to me.

Hello in there! Ramiyah. It's your daddy now, I'm talking to you.

Look, you're getting Mummy upset.

You need to make an appearance, ASAP, do you hear me?

Understand me? That's Daddy telling you this. All right?

Yes? You hear me?

All right. Love you.

Good morning. Good morning.

Did you have a lovely sleep?

Oh, my little tired pumpkins!

Oh, my babies. Where's my kiss? Where's my kiss?

Did you have a nice sleep, Barclay?

Yeah? Did you have a nice sleep?

You did, Pickle Pops, didn't you?

DOG SNORTS

I know. It's another day, isn't it? And it's a wet, rainy day.

They are like babies when they're puppies.

And I took some time off work when she was...first came home,

when she was a puppy.

And she had us up, like, every night for the first month.

So it was like soothing a baby, I suppose.

Hello. You are so lovely, aren't you?

I think I'm going to have some toast.Go away, you stink.