My Fake Fiance

Woman's voice: Not another wedding.

Sure they can be lovely,

but when you're a single girl

and most of your friends are married,

let's just say going to weddings

can be treacherous.

I know Courtney and Steve mean well,

yet I'm always at the losers' table.

Woman's voice: Okay okay, I'll behave.

Maybe for once, the guy they put me next to will be...

Decent.

Weddings.

What a joke.

Beautiful ceremony, wasn't it?

I couldn't believe they used "thou shalt obey" in the vows.

Who does that?

Actually, I was, um...

I was just making a little small talk.

Great. They sat me next to that guy.

What do you mean "that guy"?

Well, I notice you're not wearing a ring and you're what,

- mid-30s? - Uh, late 20s...

To early 30s.

Let me guess, you lease a really nice car

you could never buy, you never cry in movies

and you only bang hot chicks.

- Have we met? - No.

They're perfect for each other.

So why don't you like weddings?

It's a silly fairy tale... Marrying the man of your dreams

and living happily ever after

in a gingerbread house next to the field of cotton candy.

Yummy.

No, I mean there's no such thing as soulmates.

- So you sleep around? - Sorry.

- I'm not your type. - I don't have a type.

- What makes you think I have a type? - Oh please.

You ever hear the phrase "the clothes make the man"?

Maybe.

- Well, look at you. - What?

You were invited to a formal wedding but you obviously couldn't afford a tuxedo,

so you decided you'd get away with a dark suit and matching tie.

Only you don't own a dark suit, just a Navy blue blazer

which, judging by the width of the lapel is what, 10 years old?

Not that you couldn't afford a new one necessarily,

but because you also chose not to get it cleaned and pressed,

I'm guessing you're one of those people that just can't be bothered.

As long as it fits, why get a new one? Am I right?

Wow.

Which would also explain the jeans and the stain on your shirt.

- May I? - What are you...

Yeah, just like I thought. A clip-on.

And I bet you're going commando 'cause you don't like the boys to be tied up.

Right?

- Want me to show you? - Yeah. Hey, show the world, flash.

You don't know me.

- ( Music stops ) - ( Guests applauding )

Hi, can you do me a favor? Would you mind switching seats with me?

I don't think she'll attack her own.

Beer, please.

Do you know the score on the game?

Thanks.

Thank you so much. Really appreciate it.

Man: You're welcome, Steve.

Congratulations, buddy.

Thanks, man.

Do you have service?

May I?

How do I know you're gonna call a 900 number?

- I won't. - Fine.

Hey, it's Vince. Is The Monkey there?

Oh. How did I do today?

Damn it. Crap.

Yeah, I know The Monkey's looking for me.

- Thank you. - So how much do you owe?

I don't know what you're talking about.

You don't realize how transparent you are.

Either you owe money or you're being stalked by a monkey.

It's not a monkey, it's The Monkey.

So how much do you owe The Monkey?

Enough.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

How big a haul would you say they're going to take in?

Have you seen their registry? Who needs a $600 towel warmer?

People say gambling's throwing your money away.

Plus, when I tried to get them something

almost all the gifts had already been bought.

And you should see the pile of gifts she got at the bridal shower.

I bet if you add it up, over the years I've spent...

$20 grand in wedding gifts.

Yeah. Yeah, at least.

I guess in theory it's like a savings account.

You know, we're supposed to get that money back one day

- when we get married? - We? ( Chuckles )

Like I'd ever marry a guy like you.

Really?

I was kinda hoping we could grow old together.

Whoo.

Besides the hernia and the back spasms,

I think that went very well.

I owe you one. Moving is the biggest drag there is.

- So are you still scared? - I have no margin for error.

I put all my savings into the down payment.

What if I get laid off?

- Am I crazy for doing this? - Look...

You've been saving for six years to buy your first place.

I mean, you'll be fine as long as you don't

buy food or gas or, god forbid, turn on a light.

Ah, well, that whole food thing is overrated.

- ( Laughs ) - I just... I'm really gonna miss this place.

Seven years, three boyfriends,

- four crash diets. - ( Groans )

That cabbage and cayenne pepper thing

almost killed me.

I'm just gonna go take one last look around.

All right. I'll use the little boys' room.

It's great that you're moving into Courtney and Steve's building.

Yeah, I wouldn't have found the apartment otherwise.

I meant that they'll be there to help us unload on the other end.

Don't you wish?

They're still on their honeymoon.

- I'll meet you outside. - Okay.

- Uh, Jennifer? - All right, I'll put it back.

Can I show you something?

What happened?

There's a slight possibility

that I might have left the keys in the ignition.

You are no longer my gay boyfriend.

Be the coffee-maker. Be the coffee-maker.

The Monkey sends his regards.

Fellas, how sweet. You decided to stop by, huh?

A phone call would've sufficed, really.

Yeah, listen. You got something for him?

You have to tell The Monkey I need some more time.

Fellas, come on. There's gotta be a choice.

- There's always a choice, right? - Yeah, we can leave you

in here on the floor in a crumpled mess

or out there on the tracks. I'll let you decide.

Those the only choices?

- ( Coughing ) - ( Chuckling )

- Okay. - That's a bad cough, Vince.

You might want to get that checked out.

Now we'll be back next week.

Either you have the money by then or...

Let me guess, it'll be monkey business?

I was just gonna say break some bones, but that was way more clever.

You know, you're smarter than you look.

You guys are really a cliché, you know that?

- We are not. - Are too.

- We are not! - ( Coughs )

Let's get out of here.

Congratulations.

- Excuse me? - Oh well, I couldn't help but notice.

You know, there's an easier way to do that.

Everything is computerized these days.

So just choose what you want, aim the gun at the bar code

and pull the trigger. It's a lot of fun.

- ( Beeping ) - ( Pop music playing )

You know what they say...

It pays to get married.

- ( Machine beeps ) - Hey, it's Courtney. Leave me a message.

Jennifer's voice: Hey Courtney, it's Jennifer.

I hope you guys are having a great time on your honeymoon.

But listen, um, there was a guy at the wedding,

I think his name was Vince.

Well, we were talking and I just...

I have some information for him.

So no big deal, but you know,

if you could call me back with his number that'd be great.

Thanks.

Ooh, The Monkey guy.

Hi, is... Is Monkey there?

- Man: It's The Monkey. - What?

- Man: You heard me. - The Monkey?

- You're the kidding, right? - No, I'm not kidding.

- Oh, sorry. - Who is this?

Listen, a guy named Vince called you the other day from my phone.

I really need to talk to him, but I don't have his number.

- Yeah, I'll give it to you. - Oh, that's great. Thanks.

- You're very the kind. - What are you, smart?

- Don't be smart. - Okay, I won't do it again, I'm sorry.

I have to admit. I was a little surprised you called.

I didn't think you liked me.

- I don't. - Well, I don't like you either.

Great. Lunch?

Vince: Did you put it on a credit card?

- Maybe the credit card company insurance will pay for it. - I checked.

The truck is covered, but not what was in it.

That's too bad. I still don't see

what all this has to do with me though.

I was thinking about something you said at the wedding,

about how the money we put into wedding gifts is like a savings account.