What We Do in the Shadows

Huh.

Says here that sour cream is on sale over at Shop Mart.

Shut up, Colin Robinson.

Knock, knock.

Guillermo, there's someone at the door.

No, that was me

just saying, "Knock, knock."

Guillermo, never mind. It was nobody.

Mm. Oh, I just came by to remind everyone

that tonight is my big art gallery opening

- of all the paintings I've been working on. - Paintings?

The intoxicating elixir to the weary mind.

Who is the artist?

I am.

- Tell me more about the sour cream sale, Colin Robinson. - Wait.

You're all coming, right? 'Cause you did RSVP yes.

Eh... sort of hard to shuffle things around

at this late stage, but let us think on it.

This is a really good book, so...

Okey doke.

Oh!

Uh, you received

a message in the post

from a Perdita Morrigan?

Perdita Morrigan?

- Yeah. - Oh, the Perdita Morrigan?

Who's Perdita Morrigan?

- Could you read the note? -

- Hurry it up. Let's hear it. - All right.

"Mrs. Morrigan requests the pleasure of your company

for a weekend at her ancestral state Morrigan Manor."

Morrigan Manor, my love!

Perdita Morrigan

is the grand dame of

vampiric high society in the New World.

Yeah. She's the matriarch of one of

America's first vampiric families.

She came over on the Mayflower.

She was there at the Plymouth Colonies

during the first winter, when 45 men died.

And 23 of those were murders

committed by Perdita herself.

She just did it...

very quietly, and then blamed it on the cold weather.

Perdita Morrigan holds a Met Ball after-party

that is so exclusive,

no one is invited.

I mean, I get it.

This Perdita is some big shot,

but my vampires know how hard

I've been working on these paintings.

I think they will make the right decision.

Guillermo, bring the car around. We are out of here.

["You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing]

All right, here we are.

- Wakey-wakey. -

Wow, look at this place.

Fan-cy.

I need to realign my chakras.

Oops. Yeah.

That's gonna happen.

- - Whew.

It means you're doing it right.

What's with this silly shit?

- Is that stuck on? - Oh.

No, I-I thought I'd grow it out for the weekend.

Mm. Really?

- You can grow a mustache that fast? - Oh, yeah.

No, I have to shave, like, three times a day.

Not just my face either.

- Okay. - Undercarriage, chest, balls...

Ooh! We made it.

- - Yes, sorry you had to fly the whole way.

- - It's just there wasn't really

- any room in the car. - Yeah.

I think it was almost 200 miles.

- About that. - Over 200.

I have a treat for you.

- I brought the paintings. - Oh.

I figured if you all couldn't come to the art opening,

then the art opening can come to you guys.

Oh. Guys?

Oh, I get it, you want to look at them inside. Okay.

- - Ooh.

- - Hello?

Perdita? Hello?

A little dingy.

Are you sure the invitation was for this weekend?

- Yes! Oh, she left us a note. - A note?

It says, "Dear Guests..."

- - That's us.

"Welcome to Morrigan Manor.

"So sorry not to greet you in person, but please repair

"to the drawing room, where I have left

a more personal message for you."

- - Well, hello,

my darling guests, and also greetings.

I beg you, please excuse my absence,

- but something has come up... - What?

...and I won't be joining you this weekend.

- Shit. - But please, do enjoy

all the amenities

my home has to offer--

the fencing gymnasium,

the hunting grounds, the historic bell tower...

Is it me or is this chick hella boring?

...and of course, the board games room.

- - But be warned--

Morrigan Manor can be a treacherous place.

- - You must all watch out for one another,

and take care of each other.

- Yeah. - You must operate

as the family that you are,

- not as six individuals... - Six?

...who only look out for themselves.

- Ah. - So, good luck

and ciao-ciao for now.

What a big fat bummer.

But she is known for her extremely busy social schedule.

Is anyone concerned about that last part?

About Morrigan Manor being treacherous?

Not in the slightest. However...

sunrise is approaching. Perhaps we should slumber

- and worry about it later. -

- Good? - Now you're talking. -

- Except for the luggage. - Good night.

I was kind of hoping you'd get it unloaded and unpacked,

if you don't mind. ASAP.

- Thank you. - I should probably get my paintings from the car.

That's okay. I can grab them for you.

Thank you, Guillermo. You're so kind.

My first thought was to "parry."

My second intention, to "riposte."

It's just my "point-in-line."

That's fencing humor. You'll get used to it.

- Ah, I see you're enjoying the gymnasium, mm? - Yes.

- What a well-appointed one it is at that. - Indeed.

Care to go a few rounds, my friend?

En garde!

Whew!

What's wrong?

Afraid of a little friendly competition?

No. I prefer to practice on my dummy.

Oh. Are you sure?

Quite sure.

Okay. Um...

- All right. Have fun. - Ta-ta.

Where did you come from?

Well, I see sportsmanship is not your forte.

You need to be taught a lesson.

And then there were two.

Well, I've always been partial to a threesome.

Shall we dance?

Hey, Laszlo, I thought you didn't want a fencing partner.

Sorry, can't talk right now. I have my hands full.

Here, you forgot this.

And you're certain you don't need my help?

No, I'm in the zone with these chaps.

- - Now, where were we?

Ah, yes.

En garde!

Take that!

And that. Ha!

And... that.

Like that, do you?

Ménage à quatre. Why not?

Oh-ho!

A bit of the rope-a-dope! To here.

Come on, chaps, this is too easy.

Ha ha!

Is that all you've got?

You what?

Well, I suppose this gives you

what we gentlemen call a sporting chance.

Watch your fingers.

I learned that in Germany.

That, in Afghanistan.

- - Oh, yes.

Lovely.

- -

- Oh, shit. -

So...

the horsies can go up two and over one?

I don't know how to play this shit.

I thought you'd know how to play this shit.

- Mm, that's fun. - - Eesh!

Shades of Bacchus.

Guess what? We got another message from our hostess.

"My staff has prepared a traditional hunt

for all of you shortly after moonrise."

- Ooh. -"In the meantime,

"please enjoy this art show