The Conners

Aw, geez, there's already a line for the washer?

Yeah, I got stuff in there, and she's next.

What's the hurry?

Well, Neville and I haven't really been alone

since Logan's been staying with him,

and he's coming over to my place tonight,

and I'm gonna surprise him with a sexy night.

I made some calls.

Keep your creepy sex stuff to yourself.

I don't have anything to whisper about,

but while we're on the subject, tonight's the night

I'm gonna be sleeping with Nick for the first time.

Here's what I got going on.

Beat that.

Oh.

Okay.

Funny, right?

Unless he only has to stay a couple inches away,

and then the joke's on me.

It's interesting

what you think is sexy.

That's the kind of outfit I'd wear

to haul an old rug to the dump.

I'm just trying to lower expectations.

This is the first guy I've slept with since Ben, and, you know,

first times are almost always a disaster, right?

Not really. Not in my experience.

Well, I guess we know where the problem lies.

It's open. Enter the pleasure-dome.

I knew that you would like the blindfolds,

and I paid them extra not to speak.

What kind of weird-ass crap is going on here?

Logan.

I didn't know that you were coming.

Yeah, I caught him getting into my beer

as I was leaving the house and had to bring him.

I sent you a text.

My phone is in my pants.

Where's your bathroom?

You don't steal beer. You just rent it, am I right?

Yeah.

I am so sorry. This keeps happening.

I know. We can't have one romantic night alone.

If it's not Logan, it's something else.

Things are about to get better.

Logan's mom is sober now,

and she's moving back to Lanford.

She asked me for a job, and if I hire her,

she can get an apartment and Logan can move back in with her.

Oh, fantastic! That solves our problem. Mm-hmm.

I'm so sorry! I'm being so rude.

Neville, this is Johan and Gerta.

Oh, hi.

You can't see, but I'm waving.

But with Helen being newly sober,

do you think it's kind of risky to hire her?

No, it's not like she's a wild woman.

She's actually kind of a plain, sad-sack type.

Okay, well, then you hire her right away.

Ah, you are so lucky to live above the shop.

It's always a dream of mine to have a bookstore,

as long as no customers came in and touched my precious books.

Oh, this looks great.

Yeah. Just my way of saying how fun last night was.

And I-I love the fact that you didn't dress up.

Oh, was that a shot,

or were you trying to be sincere?

Hey, I prefer clothes that are easy to get off.

I once got lost in a wrap-around dress,

and by the time I found my way out of it,

the woman was gone.

Oh, dammit.

Oh, what happened? Oh, it's the fuse again.

This happens once every couple weeks

'cause the building is so old.

And, uh, yep, must've used the last one.

Oh, well, my dad works at Olinsky's Hardware.

They should be open in about a half-hour.

Okay, Olinsky's, yeah.

Oh, did-- Uh, didn't you say your ex owns that store?

Oh, yeah, yeah, but today's his day off.

Funny how you know your ex's schedule.

You guys still close?

Oh, my God, no. I-I can't stand him.

He's always trying to look like such a nice guy,

like, "Oh, I'll give your dad a job.

I'll -- I'll watch movies with your son.

I'll give up my dream of being a father just to be with you."

Like, what kind of sick son of a bitch

works that hard to be a good person?

Yeah, he's clearly a monster.

Don't pay.

Send a check but don't sign it.

Sign the check but don't send it.

Put back in mailbox marked "not at this address."

And pay.

Next week.

Hey.

Harris, since you moved out,

a bunch of bills have piled up for you.

Where? I don't see them.

Damn post office. You can't depend on them anymore.

How am I supposed to pay them if I don't get them?

Man. Sometimes you don't think you're leaving anything behind

for your grandchildren.

And then you see something like this, and then --

Don't look at me. I'm gonna get emotional.

This bedroom furniture looks great.

Not a bad price.

This might be the stuff.

Louise would hate this.

This is the most traditional, depressing furniture

I have ever seen.

People with this furniture are sleeping on rubber sheets

and being turned over by strangers.

I'll help you pick out some stuff that Louise will like.

I appreciate the offer, honey,

but you've got way too much on your plate already.

Hey, take the help, Grandpa,

and then I'll help you decorate the rest of the house.

You get the gas, I got the match.

Yes, I'm busy, but this is important.

You need stuff that's young and fun.

Louise is a rock 'n' roll girl.

Hey! I want the bedroom to be fun, too.

There's enough stuff in there that's old and worn out.

Including you.

I was talking about the rug and the drapes.

She's on tour

with a bunch of young rock 'n' roll musicians

right now.

Have you seen some of these guys?

Let me see. Boop!

You're so easy.

Since we're here so early, my dad will probably figure out

that we spent the night together.

Does that really bother him?

Oh, no, he'll be excited.

It means there's a chance I might move out.

Your dad's not working today.

But I'll be sure to tell him

that, uh, you are sleeping with somebody.

Hi. Ben.

Nick. Awkward to meet you.

Yeah.

I am so sorry. I thought it was your day off.

We-We'll come back later. No, no, come on.

Don't worry about it. You didn't know.

Your dad and I swapped days

'cause I'm moving into my new place tomorrow.

Oh, wow. You got a place?

Yeah. Big day for surprises, huh?

I mean, you didn't expect me to live in the back of the store

forever, did ya?

Guess you have a type -- guys who live in stores.

How long were you back there?

Six months. Mm-hmm.

I only did it 'cause Darlene and I were going through some stuff,

and I wasn't sure if we were gonna be living together or not.

Well, obviously "not" 'cause we're estranged.

I mean, I didn't even know he was getting a place.

I don't even know where it is.

Don't tell me.

You're no longer part of my life.

Okay. So, uh,

we're really just here for one of these.

Oh, yeah.

Hey! Dick Butkus from the Bears.

Mm-hmm. Oh, man.

I really miss watching the Bears' games at the bars.

At least the ones I can remember.

I used to drink pretty hard when the Bears won.

Or lost.

Or tied.

Or didn't play 'cause it was baseball season.

Well, how do you feel about watching one with her ex?

I'm going to the Lunch Box tomorrow night.

Think it'd be okay.

I mean, you are estranged.

Great! Alright, well,

just get rid of the old ball and chain and come by.

You sell bolt cutters so I can get away?

Yeah, yeah, just 'cause he does the joke

doesn't mean you need to.

Hey, Dad. Hey, honey. How was class?

Good.

My psychology professor was going on and on

about how easily people are distracted nowadays.

And I remembered

you needed a bedroom set,

so I made this.

It's a design board for your new bedroom.

See, it has furniture samples for scale and tone

and brighter accessories for fun.

Thanks, honey.

I can't believe you found the time to do that.

Now throw that out and come take a gander at what I did.

Hi, Mommy. What do you think?

Honey, why don't you go play your goldfish game

in the living room?