Life Partners

Watch where you're going, bitch!

What? Thanks for cutting me off!

You almost took my side view mirror off, slut!

You're lucky I have to be somewhere,

or I'd fuck your ass up right now.

Fuck you! Fuck you!

Did you call me a slut back there? Yeah.

I don't even know where that came from.

You ready to get proud? Oh, dude. Dude.

I'm here. I'm queer.

Better get used to it.

Hmm. Mmm.

Oh, maybe I shouldn't touch you so people won't think we're together.

Oh, yeah. Get off me. Stop cock-blocking me.

Vagina-blocking? No. Still cock-blocking.

Doesn't make sense. There's two vaginas.

I don't know. Nobody ever changed it.

Mmm, thank you for coming to Pride with me today.

Thank you for letting me sleep over.

I was way too tired to drive home. As usual.

Wait. Hey. Get... Get up.

What? Wrong pillow.

You like this one, stupid. Orthopedic.

Curvy. Fits your head.

Oh.

Oh, you're right. Oh!

No.

No.

Wait. No, what about that girl?

She's really cute, and she lives two miles away.

You could... You could walk over there.

And then if you don't like her, you could just walk home. Mm-hmm.

All right. Maybe later. Why not now?

Because it's 2:00 a.m. That's a really bad first impression.

She'll probably imagine me, like, laying in bed flicking it.

Flicking. Yes. Yes.

Are you feeling yourself up?

I have this weird dent in my left boob.

Is that a thing? Like a reverse tumor?

What? Let me see.

No. I don't see anything.

I see it. Oh, God.

This is why I don't have a boyfriend.

'Cause I spend all my time having sleepovers...

and staring at my lesbian best friend's boobs.

You don't have a boyfriend because you're way too picky.

I just wanna meet a guy that I like as much as you. Is that too much to ask for?

Yes. Yes, it is.

I hate everyone but you.

We're screwed.

Hey, I'm Shawneen, and I'm from Omaha, Nebraska.

I've never really considered myself pretty.

Yeah, right, Shawneen.

I don't buy for a second you don't think you're pretty.

You're on a show called America's Next Top Model.

You obviously think you're pretty.

She reminds me of Amanda from Cycle 3.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Her eyes, they're so weird.

Oh, Sasha. What?

Amanda's eyes look like that because she was legally blind,

and I heard after the show she went full-on blind.

Whoops.

Oh!

Do you want this? No. No.

I'm starting a new case tomorrow.

It's my first one without the partners.

I gotta be firing on all cylinders.

Well, lucky me. I don't have to fire on any cylinders...

to answer the phone all day.

I can crash here, right?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Give me. Guys, quick question.

Is Vanessa looking over here?

Sasha, is she talking to someone?

I don't know. Jenn, look for yourself.

Jen, is she? Is she?

Yeah. She seems pretty into some girl. God.

Well, you know what? That's funny.

'Cause I hope some girl knows that Vanessa isn't in the mind space...

to be monogamous right now, so...

Jenn, you have to get over this Vanessa thing. It's been like six months.

I'm over it completely. I just think it's funny that she said that,

and then she started dating someone monogamously like a week later.

It's just, like, insanely funny to me.

Is it not to you? Like, what?

Jen.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, my God, why is every lesbian named Jen?

I know. It's annoying. That's why I spell mine with two Ns.

I'm Jen 1.0.

Why do you say that like that's a good thing? 2.0 is better than 1.0.

Maybe to you.

Could you not sit so close to me?

I don't want anyone to think that we're together.

Oh, my God.

Okay, but there's no one here that we don't already know anyway.

I'm telling you, there is no one left.

Well, there are at least two people left...

because Paige and I both have dates tomorrow night.

Thank you. Really?

Oh, that's... that's... that's great. That's awesome.

Yeah, we got drunk and agreed to go on Internet dates on the same night.

And she is going out with a doctor.

Yeah.

What? What... What is wrong with this one?

He just says douchey things in his e-mails,

quotes a lot of movies...

and says things like, "You betcha" and "Gotcha."

And in a couple of his photos,

he's wearing, like, T-shirts with messages on them and slogans.

I think it's like his style.

Ew.

Sorry. It's fine.

I like the shirt, so...

It's great. That one says a positive message. It's true. Mm-hmm.

What about you, Sasha? Do we know her?

Who's your date with? Um, well, you might.

Have you ever seen the show To Catch a Predator?

Love that show. Well, she was on it.

My date was on To Catch a Predator.

She works for the agency that catches the predator.

She... She goes online and flirts with old dudes, pretending to be a 14-year-old.

Oh, my God. Please marry her.

She's a celebrity. Yeah. Yeah.

I might.

Oh, God, it's so funny.

I just always had this feeling that everyone was gonna couple up before me.

I mean, it's fine. I just think it's funny that I called it.

Hey, what's up? I'm Trace.

Sasha. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too. What's up?

Not much. How are you? Oh. I'm sorry I'm late.

Man, I had an intense day at work.

Ooh.

What was intense about it?

I went on a sting today.

Took down a board on a 4chan.

Oh. I... What is 4chan?

Oh. 4... 4chan's an anonymous message board.

Used to be an image hosting site.

Now it's a hotbed for pedophilia.

Crazy. Disturbing.

Oh, my God.

Are you okay? I'm sorry.

It's so fucking annoying 'cause, like, I'm here, and I just want to drink,

and this guy is staring at me.

I think he recognizes me from TV.

Oh, my God.

Oh!

Buddy, you got a pen?

You want an autograph?

No? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Weird.

You are so beautiful.

God, you're beautiful. Wow.

Who tells you you're beautiful... other than me?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just... It's really quiet in here.

All I can hear are mouth sounds.

I'm gonna put on some music.

Uh-oh. Are you a control freak?

What? No.

No? Well, I just thought there's this...

and then you have, like, four recycling bins.

Well, uh, I am an environmental lawyer...

and clearly a better person than you.

Well, I don't know about that. I'm the best there is.

I wake up in the morning. I piss excellence.

What?

Uh, Ricky Bobby, Talladega Nights.

Oh. I haven't seen that.

Well, as long as you've seen Lebowski.

Uh, well, I've seen the first half of it.

What?

Are you saying you watched the first half of The Big Lebowski,

then you shut it off?

I... I feel like you're treating me...

as though I just told you that I'm a sex offender.

Wow. That... I mean, this is much worse,

I have to tell you.

My goodness.

- Are you married? - What?

"Husband" is calling you.

Oh. No.

That's my best friend Sasha.

We just have this stupid joke. Mm-hmm.

Okay, I'll prove it to you.

- Hi, Sasha. - Okay, you're answering the phone,

which means you had just as shitty of a date as I did.

Or you just got really wasted and fucked him like an hour into it...

and he's already gone. Uh...

Remember that? What was that guy's name, Cory...

I'll call you back.

Cory, huh? That, um...

It only took Cory an hour?

I... Um...

I don't usually do things like that. Um...

What were his moves?

It was, um...

You know what? I'm over it. Okay.