A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Well, a lot's changed since the last series of A Bit of Fry and Laurie.

That's right.

When A Bit of Fry and Laurie last appeared on our screens,

we looked something like this.

Oh, dear. It's hard to believe we could get away with noses like that, isn't it?

- You're the one on the right, Hugh. - Oh, right.

Anyway, we thought it might be interesting to chart just some of the changes

that have gone on in this United Kingdom since that time.

That's right.

Then we thought perhaps it wouldn't be interesting.

That's right.

And so we decided not to.

Mmm.

Instead, we've each written a song that sums up our feelings

about what's gone on in the last hectic one and a bit years.

My song first. I've called it, quite simply, The Years That Fell Away.

This is it here.

There it is.

Yes, my song is called, rather more complicatedly, Time, Where Did You Go?

That's all I had time for, I'm afraid.

Stephen, what are you doing?

Ah, well, I'll explain, Hugh.

A year and a bit ago I was flabby, overweight and, it grieves me to say so, deeply unattractive.

Erm, since then, a friend put me on to "dancercises".

I won't tell you who this friend was

but if I drop the hint that it was a prominent quantity surveyor

I think you'll probably guess.

He put me on to dancercising.

And I think it was probably the most valuable thing he's ever done

in his otherwise futile and squalid life.

The key to dancercise

is the rather ingenious coupling of the word "dance"

to the word "circumcise."

Let's now pretend that I am a prominent quantity surveyor

and Hugh is Geoffrey Cavendish, a client.

You'll see that I'm able to work, and while I work,

able to build in all kinds of strengthening and toning movements.

- Morning, Geoffrey. - Morning, Dennis.

Do you have any quantities for me to survey this morning?

Yes, I have got one quantity I'd very much like you to survey, yes.

- This quantity here? - That's the fellow.

Right.

Well, that's got that quantity surveyed.

- Any others? - Not just now Dennis, no.

All right, but you will let me know?

Dennis, if I have any more quantities for you to survey

you'll be the first to know about it.

- Great. - Oh, and by the way...

- Yes? - Love that body.

Thanks. It's mine.

I thought so.

See this? You could eat your dinner off this.

Sex is nothing to fax home about.

Ah, yes, we took the caravan down to Dorset this summer

and pushed it over a cliff.

- Yeah? - Er, you got any grollings?

- Beg your pardon? - I need a dozen grollings.

- Flushed or galvanised? - Flushed.

There you go. That the lot?

No, have you got a copper flange pipe?

- Flange pipe. - Two jamborees and seven nipples.

- Do you want the nipples greased? - Greased nipples, yes.

- Erm... - There you go.

Let's see what we got here.

Five olive-spantles, jigged and onioned.

- Right, 12 or 17 mil? - 12 mil.

Erm, metre of fleeling wire, coaxial.

Fleeling wire, there you go.

Twenty cock-grip shafting sleeves...

and a parping couplet.

- Parping couplet. Do you want male or female? - Male.

All right.

- Actually, on second thoughts, one of each. - Okay.

Do you want the male parping couplet standing proud?

No.

- Embarrassed, I think. - Right.

Right, there's your female, there's your embarrassed male.

Six sheets of gruddock paper.

- Parkinised? - No.

There we go.

Nearly there. And four felching pens and a bevelled spill trunion.

Yeah, I think we've only got one felching pen left, as it happens.

Got some frotting pencils, though.

Will they do?

Well, you know the thrush-plate?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Well, you can use the frotting pencil on that, you see.

Rude to the look-out valve on the fumpspoke, and cut out the felching altogether.

Provided you remember to rim the satchel-arm properly first.

Oh, right. Well, I'll have the frotting pencils, then.

Four frotting pencils, right.

- Two, three, four. - All right.

And the bevelled spill-trunion.

Bevelled spill-trunion, beg your pardon, yes. Certainly, right.

Great.

- That's the lot then, is it? - Yep.

Yeah, you've already got a triple-nob-joint with snatch membrane, have you?

Should I have?

- Well, are you going straight or curved? - Straight then curved.

Should be okay as long as you remember to suck the clenching lobe tight to the bulb thrust.

- Yeah, obviously. - Yeah.

And whatever you do, don't forget to lubricate your slip hole before any grip-jigging.

- How dare you? - I'm sorry, I'm...

- Damn it, Peter. - John!

Damn it four times around the car park and back in for another damn it!

Do I get the feeling that something's on your mind, John?

Come on, Peter, you know what the hell I'm talking about.

At a guess, I'd say this had something to do with the DDL Enterprises takeover bid.

Y'know, it's funny, Peter. Ha!

Four years!

Four hard years I put into building up this health club

and now, now I've gotta sit back

and let some group of wet-arsed college kids just slide in and take it away from me.

I know, John. Makes me vomit just to think of it.

If only...

If only Marjorie hadn't left the way she had.

Oh, come on, John!

You can't go on blaming yourself for that! You and Marjorie had...

Had? Had what?

A marriage that was no more than a bad joke and not even a very good one?

You made some mistakes, John. That's all.

You and Marjorie just had, well, what can I say,

different ideas about where the company was headed. End of story.

But, damn it. Marjorie was good, Peter.

As a wife or as a business partner?

Is there a difference?

I hope so, John.

And now, while we're up to our arses in our worst ever takeover scrap,

she's sunning herself in the south of France.

South of Wales, actually, John.

Well, wherever the blue-rinsed hell she is!

Listen, God damn it! This is no time for you to start feeling sorry for yourself.

But damn it every which way but one, Peter.

John, do something for me.

Come up here to the window. Take a look.

- What is this? Some kind of game? - No game, John!

Tell me what you see.

I see a car park.

Well, that's funny, John.

Because, you see, the last time you looked out of that window you saw an idea.

Don't you remember?

Yes, I remember thinking, "That would be a good place to put a car park."

Damn it, John! You're not listening to me. I'm talking about the big idea.

The dream that you and I shared!

The dream of a health club that would put the town of Uttoxeter

on the goddamn map once and for all!

Yeah, well,

- maybe... - Maybe?

I don't believe I'm hearing this! What the hell happened to the old John?

We pulled it down when we built the car park.

Damn it, John, you're not hearing me.

- Damn it, I... - No, don't you "Damn it, I" me!

We've got that close!

And you're just gonna, you're just gonna lie down and walk away?

Peter, don't harrassle me, I'm tired!

Oh, tired, be damned!

A man...

A man's got to know when he's licked, Peter. I know the feeling. I've been licked before.

Jesus and all his Lord's saints preserve us.

Did I ever tell you about the time Marjorie licked me? Oh, yeah.

She licked me good and proper, and I've got that feeling again,

and it's sore, Peter.

Maybe it's time I moved on and just...

John, I'm gonna look out of this window now and tell you what I see.

What is this, Peter, more games?

Same game, John, different rules.

I see, I see Tom, Sally, Debbie!

Sally? But Sally called herself in off sick with the flu.

Exactly, John!

Exactly! But she came in here today because she believes in you.

God knows why!

Because she believes in what you're trying to do here in Uttoxeter.

And you're telling me that you're just gonna walk away from these kids,

and just turn your back on...

Oh, damn it, I'll make no apology, a vision?

- Damn it, Peter. Maybe you're right. - You're damn right maybe I'm right!

Damn double damn and an extra pint of damn for the weekend.

Damn!

Get a fax over to Cliff at Harlinson's, EGM, 3:00 tomorrow.

Uh, find out where Janet is and pull Martin in from...

- Where the hell is Martin? - High Wycombe.

Right. And get Sarah in here now!

We've got an agenda to work up.

Welcome back to the fight, John.

- Sorry if I was a little rough on you back there. - Hell, I deserved it, Peter.

I was acting like a damned amateur!

Oh, and John, if Marjorie should call...

If Marjorie should call,

tell her I'm busy.

- Damn! - Damn!

- All right, are we ready? - Yeah, anytime.

- I was standing here and this guy... - No, I was just talking to the cameraman, okay?

- Oh, right, sorry. Yeah, okay. - All right?

Now, basically, I'm just gonna ask you to tell, in your words, precisely what you saw.

Yeah. I was standing here and this guy

- came haring round the corner... - No, no, no.

- Can you wait? Can you wait until... - Oh right, sorry.

All right? I ask you a direct question. Okay?

Right. I was standing here and this guy came haring round the corner.

- I thought he was gonna hit that wall there. - No, no, no.