Married... with Children

Hey, Peg.

A fat woman hedgehogged her way into the shoe store today...

Popcorn air freshener. That could only mean one thing.

- Bundy night at the movies! - Bundy night at the movies!

Oh, Peg, you even got the floor sticky, just like at the theatre.

You know what else we do at the theatre?

You're not gonna put M&M's in your lap and make me hunt for them?

By the time I get there, they've melted and it gets all gooey.

Well, you know, if you'd get there sooner, they'd melt in your mouth.

Oh, Peg, it just doesn't get any better than this. I owe you one.

- Well, maybe after the movies, Al... - I said owe, Peg, as in "not pay."

- Hey. - Dad.

Have anything I could use to create the Impression we're having a windstorm?

Yes, but he's sitting on it.

See, my date really gets turned on by scary situations.

Apparently, taking his clothes off isn't enough.

So I decided to create a fake tornado.

You know, my own little natural disaster.

Oh, like one of your hand-lotlon tsunamis?

Now, let's not tease Bud. He might turn out weird.

You know, I really did see something on Oprah...

that said women really do get turned on by life-threatening situations.

- I know I do. - Me too.

Why don't you go upstairs and slip into a dry-cleaning bag...

see what that does for us?

I'm getting all hot just thinking about it.

And you wonder why I have problems with women.

- No, we don't. - No, we don't.

Looks like we made it just in time, Ariel.

That tornado's gonna hit any second now.

But there's not a cloud in the sky.

Well, haven't you ever heard of the calm before the storm?

No. But then, I just realized the Olsen twins are two people.

Look, why don't you just take a look outside...

and you tell me what you see, okay?

Wait a minute. Doesn't lightning come before thunder?

Yeah, sure, except in very bad storms...

when the positive and negative ions make everything, you know, kooky.

Wow, it's getting really windy out there, Bud.

You'd better bring those fans in before they blow away.

I just put those fans out there to create a counter-vortex to the tornado.

Bud, you are so smart and sexy.

I don't know what you see in me.

Hopefully me, in a minute.

These shoes are too big. I'm swimming in them.

Well, that would explain the life preserver under your dress.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here.

You've never been employee of the month, have you?

That's right, but if I were you, I wouldn't be going out on any limbs.

Look, I told you, I'm a five.

And you are going to sell me a five if I have to sit here all night.

So because you're mad at me...

you're going to take it out on a perfectly innocent chair...

a chair that has suffered enough already.

Well, I have just about had enough of you.

You wouldn't say that if I came with fries and a medium drink.

You know medium, the size between small and you.

I'm not leaving here until you help me.

I don't know what I could do that God and Deal-A-Meal couldn't...

but I'll give it a shot.

Griff, you got any aspirin? Or a harpoon?

I'm not talking to you.

I can't believe you're still whining about that little practical joke.

You sent me to death row.

You made a few close friends.

And they gave you a cool nickname, Black Beauty.

Mrs. Black Beauty.

You said you wanted to remarry.

Yeah, but not to a 250-pound Filipino.

Since when are you prejudiced?

- They strapped me in the electric chair. - We'd have rescued you sooner.

But when you order a burger well-done, it ought to come well-done.

Another few seconds, you could have cooked it on my lap.

Well, then, where would Mr. Black Beauty sit?

Excuse me, but am I invisible?

Possibly from Pluto.

Wow, with the money Bud spent to get those trees to bend...

he could have just paid for sex, like any normal person.

We interrupt Oprah for live coverage of a local twister.

You know, you gotta give Bud credit.

I mean, those live power lines really look like they hit that school bus.

Kelly, that really is a twister.

Those kids really are trapped on that bus.

- Cool. - Cool?

How could you be so insensitive?

This storm could preempt Oprah.

Peggy, Kelly.

As your civil defence block captain, I'm taking charge.

You are to follow my orders without asking any questions.

So we're supposed to act like Mr. D'arcy?

I said no questions.

First, unplug all the appliances.

Oh, I did that when we moved in.

Okay. Then we've got to get to the safest place in the house.

Oh, well, that would be Bud's room...

because nothing ever happens down there.

All right, well, hurry.

You've only got time to grab your most precious, personal possession.

Can I take two?

Somebody help me.

Hey, Al, the wind is really kicking up on the food court!

This tornado is great.

I'll take a falafel.

I'll bet you would.

All right, now, look. All right, that's it. Just a minute.

A little bit to leeward.

There. All right, now, do me a favour. Don't stand up till I get my...

Oh, these feel great.

Do they have a special gel lining?

Yes, that's the blood spurting from my severed digit.

Well, these are perfect for my flamenco class.

Help me. Help me. Help me.

Al, we gotta go. It's getting real scary out there.

Not as scary as it is down here.

Don't worry. I won't leave you, Buddy.

Help! Help! Help me!

See you, buddy!

I wonder what could happen to make this situation any worse.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Okay, Marcy.

I opened all the windows, tied down the rose bushes, turned off the gas...

and cut your underwear into tiny little pieces.

Why'd you do that?

Because I wanted to be the block captain.

Well, you're not.

Hey, Mom, do you think Dad's safe from the tornado?

Oh, honey, I'm sure he's protected by his "cone of smell."

Yeah, but what if it's like The Wizard of Oz?