The Exes

Hey, baby.

"Hey, baby"?

Women actually fall for that?

- Why? - What's the big deal?

I like the ladies, the ladies like me.

Everybody has a good time, no one gets hurt.

Oh, no!

That dude wants to kill me!

Why? You didn't call him the next morning?

Well, I kind of slept with his girlfriend.

But I didn't...

I didn't know she had a boyfriend.

Especially one that big.

Phil, let me ask you a question.

Between "Hey, baby" and "I'll call you, baby,"

do you ever think to ask, "Who are you, baby?"

No, not really.

- Oh, hey, Nicki. - Hey.

I'll have a fuzzy navel, but instead of peach schnapps,

uh... I think I'll have apple.

And, instead of orange juice...

Okay, I am off duty. Irritate somebody else.

Ow. Ow, God.

All right, you're never gonna guess

who's meeting me here... Vanessa.

Vanessa from the old neighborhood?

Yeah, she lives in the city now.

Turns out she's divorced too.

- So she's single now? - Mm hmm.

Oh, I must confess, once upon a time I carried quite the torch for her.

Can't you just say you were hot for her like a normal person?

Besides, you had your chance at my 12th birthday party.

Remember seven minutes in heaven?

Ugh.

It will haunt me for the rest of my life.

There I was, in the closet with the girl of my dreams.

I was about to go in for the kiss.

And then all of a sudden,

the walls just closed in and all I could smell

was cherry chapstick and moth balls, and...

The next thing I knew, I...

I ralphed in dad's ski boot.

Which is how you earned the name, Spewart.

That was a long time ago. I'm a different person now.

A successful, handsome, some say Clooney-esque.

Yeah, Rosemary Clooney.

Ugh.

Nicki!

Oh, Vanessa. Hi. Honey, oh, I missed you.

Oh, I missed you too. How you been?

Well, other than my husband of 18 years turning out to be gay, awesome.

I know.

Your mom told my cousin who told my hairdresser who already knew.

Oh.

Well, here we both are, divorced.

- Life, huh? - Yeah.

It seems like only yesterday

- we were in high school. - I know.

All I ever thought about back then was making out with boys and...

No, that's pretty much it.

Stop it.

- So you look so happy. - I am.

So there is life after divorce. What's your secret?

I'm becoming a nun.

Right, right. And if I don't get some soon, so am I.

No, no. I'm serious.

The church has always been a big part of my life.

I take my vows in two weeks.

What?

No.

What?

No.

What?

Nicki, relax. It's still me.

I'm no different from you.

I'm just marrying Christ.

Wow.

Okay, well...

So where are you and the savior registered?

Hello, Vanessa. Remember me, Stuart?

Of course I do.

Great to see you. You too.

May I say, you have... oh...

Okay. Okay, hold on, relax.

You have grown into quite a stunner.

And as I recall, you still owe me three minutes in heaven.

All right. Yeah, Stuart? Not happening.

Look, Nicki, Nicki. Let the lady speak for herself.

I'm becoming a nun.

Could've just said no.

The Exes - S03E17 Nun Like It Hot

Here we are, here we are.

Okay, let's go. And left foot.

Right foot, left foot.

Haskell, I slipped in the tub. I didn't forget how to walk.

Where's Eden? Where's Eden?

I'm right down here.

- I thought I stepped on you, sweetie. - All right, here we go.

Okay, all right, now, we got to get you seated.

- Okay. - Eden, are you ready?

- I'm ready. - Okay.

- All right. - All right, easy.

- Yeah. Right. - Easy.

- Oh, ahh. - And down we go.

- There we go. All right. - Ooh.

- There we are. - Ow.

You know, Haskell, you're pretty good at this.

Well, this is how I used to have to escort mother home from happy hour.

Yeah.

At least I don't have to go back and look for your teeth.

You know, thanks for taking me to the emergency room.

- You guys have been amazing. - No problem.

Okay. Now here are your pills and the instructions from the doctor.

Here is your remote.

Okay, water, pillow, and blanket. Mwah.

- You get some rest. - Okay.

Where do you two think you're going?

- What do you mean? - I can't be left alone here.

Who's going to give me my pills and make my meals,

help me to the bathroom?

- She will. - He will.

Look, I don't mean to point fingers, but whose lavender bath beads

did I slip on in my bathtub?

I said I was sorry.

And who's the cranky little butterball

I waited on hand and foot while they were pregnant?

I'm pretty sure that one's you.

All right, all right. We'll stay.

Oh, you guys are offering to help.

I'm tearing up.

Yeah, that means I need tissues.

Now!

Vanessa, it was great catching up with you.

- I had such a blast. - Me too.

So what's the deal?

Once you're officially sister Vanessa, we can still hang out, right?

Of course.

We could anoint the sick. Comfort the dying.

I was thinking more like a movie.

- Yeah, we can do that too. - Okay.

Okay, I gotta go get change for a cab.

- All right. - I'll catch you later.

Okay, bye, honey.

Hey, baby.

Ah!

Found your shoe.

Thank you.

Yeah, that was fun last night, right?

Uhhuh. Right. Gotta go.

Oh.

I'll call you, baby.

Oh, God.

Do you have any idea what you've just done?

Yeah.

It was awesome.

You just slept with a nun.

Of course I did, Stuart.

And tonight, we're gonna double with the pope.

Her name's Vanessa.

How do you know that?

Because we grew up together, she lives in a convent,

and she's about to take her vows.

Oh, my God, I slept with a nun?

Yes. Yes, you did.

But I didn't know.

I really... I really didn't know.

Stuart,

when I first met her, she wasn't wearing any nun stuff.

She was disguised as a hot chick.

You see... you know, Phil, that's your problem.

You never take time to get to know a woman

before you bed her.

No, the problem is I'm putting out too much Phil Chase.

Even nuns gotta have this.

I didn't even tell you the worst part.

- Wait, there's a worst part? - Mm hmm.

She's Nicki's oldest friend.

Oh.

Stuart, she's already on my case.

You cannot tell Nicki about this.

Are you kidding me?

She'll kill me just for knowing you.

And then... And then she'll use

my lifeless body to beat the crap out of you.

Okay, well, we just gotta make a pact.

A blood oath.

Oh, could it be verbal? I don't clot well.

We're gonna do what we did at my fraternity.

All right, it bonded us as brothers.

- Put your hands out like this. - Okay.

Put your arms out. Yeah.

Okay?

We never mention this to Nicki, and we take this secret to our grave.

Hmm.

Oh, I know this.

The double pump basket... We used that in cheerleading.

I would also take that to the grave.

Eden?

Eeeeedeeeeen!

Eeedeeen!