Lifeguard

Only place jogging's gonna get you is right back where you started.

Morning. How about a ring back?

Right. Perfect.

Up yours, too. See you later.

- Rick Carlson? - Yeah.

Chris Randall. Supposed to be helping you out on weekends?

Yeah, come on up.

The important thing is, man, to spot trouble before it happens.

Watch the people when they go in the water.

See what kind of swimmers they are.

See how they treat the ocean.

You know, are they confident? Are they scared?

And keep a special eye on the little kids.

Man, they can get knocked down in a second.

Now, if you're alone, if you have to leave the tower...

take the phone off the hook and they'll send a back-up man.

Keep the rescue can with you always. Even if you're just going to the john.

You can never tell when you're gonna need it.

Keep your eye out for any weird stuff happening on the beach...

or up in the parking lot.

- Like what? - Anything.

All the weirdoes seem to end up down here.

Man, you're gonna see stuff you're not gonna believe.

The funny thing is...

by the end of the summer, it'll all seem normal.

Hey, guys, that's it. Out of the water.

Black ball.

Thanks a lot, man. It hasn't even gotten good yet.

Man, you guys know the rules. On weekends, swimmers beach after 10:00.

Yeah, thanks a lot.

Hey, Lifeguard Rick!

Hey, what's happening, Machine Gun?

Hey, old buddy, you ready for another thrill-packed summer?

Not if you guys have anything to do with it.

Okay. Just for that we're moving down to tower seven.

That a promise?

Hey, listen, this place would be a drag without the UDT.

These guys get their kicks out of feeling up the local ladies underwater.

Underwater Demolition Team.

Try going straight this summer and just concentrate on getting laid.

All the chicks our age, they dig older guys.

And all the chicks younger than us, they aren't even chicks yet.

One of these days, you're gonna get your asses kicked by somebody's old man.

No chance. We've been working on our technique all year.

This summer's gonna be different.

I promise. Cross my heart.

Better cross something else while you're at it.

Those are the horniest little guys this side of TJ.

- TJ? - Tijuana, man.

Why do they call him Machine Gun?

I don't know. Everybody calls him that.

He claims he holds the international record for jerking off.

When I was his age, I thought I held it.

Yeah, we all held it. But I think he holds it more.

- What do you do during winter? - Same thing I do during summer.

- Yeah? Must get lonely, huh? - Beats selling encyclopedias.

Yeah, that's for sure.

You want to stop for a beer?

I'd like to, but I got a little stewy friend coming in tonight.

Is it true what they say about stewardesses?

Yeah. And nurses, secretaries and schoolteachers.

What do they say about schoolteachers?

They make you do it over and over again, till you get it right.

- See you tomorrow. - Okay.

- All right. - Good night.

I'll be damned.

Shit. Yeah, be right there.

Yeah, I'm coming.

- Hi. - Hi.

It's only a 12-hour layover so you're gonna have to work fast.

- Miss me? - Sure did.

I'll bet you did.

A little vino. Gonna crack it open.

Still haven't gotten any plants in here, have you?

Yeah, right around the corner.

Careful, it's a man-eater.

- Plastic. That's obscene. - It saves on the watering.

Too much responsibility for you?

You just got to work up to some things gradually.

Only some things.

I've been on a plane for about two weeks, it seems like.

- I'm gonna take a shower. - Okay.

It's cold! You!

I met a man on the flight to London who wants me to go to Marrakesh with him.

Marrakesh?

- Well, are you gonna go? - I don't know.

He's attractive. And wealthy.

- And he's better in bed than you are. - Nobody's better in bed than I am.

I know. That's your problem. That's my problem too, though.

But I know your secret.

What's that?

You don't care.

- What are you talking about? - You.

You're great technically, but you don't feel anything.

I really didn't go to bed with him.

Who?

The man who wants me to go to Marrakesh.

- I don't think I'll go. - You ought to.

Why, you'd have it made if you hooked up with one of those rich guys.

I know. My problem is I don't think I can do it.

I mean, I'd have to love him, too.

Your problem is you want everything.

All I want is someone to love who'll love me.

Your problem is you want everything.

Do you have a Band-Aid?

Yeah, sure. Come on up. Dunk your feet in that bucket.

- How'd you do that? - On a root beer can.

Probably gonna have to amputate.

Not that bad, is it?

There you go.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

'(co-hem!

- Do you know what time it is? - Yeah, sure.

- 4:15. Give or take a few. - That's pretty good.

Old Boy Scout trick. Never fails.

Are you an old Boy Scout?

Yup. And I still remember the tricks.

Okay, honey, give me that big cheese number.

Go all the way in. Get yourself wet.

Marvelous.

Let's go into that one-two-three routine.

This is gonna be good watchin'. Look at that set of melons.

You're beautiful.

There they go. Lookit.

Oh, my God!

Look out!

Oh, my God!

- Can't those guys get arrested for that? - You kidding?

Remember coming down here when you were 14?

See a girl in a two-piece suit, you'd have a hard-on for a week.

Yeah, I remember.

How's the injury?

- It's all better. - Looks good. No scar.

Thought I'd let you know about it in case you were worried.

Oh, yeah?

Matter of fact I was just saying to Chris...

"All week long, I've been wondering if that little girl's finger's all right."

- Right, Chris? - Yeah, right.

Little girl?

What are you?

- Just a girl. - Oh, just a girl.

Well, you're just an old Boy Scout.

Keep you eyes on the swimmers, rookie.

Enjoy being a little girl. You're gonna be a woman soon enough.

Thanks a lot.

Getting there is half the fun.

- I guess you ought to know. - I guess so.

Well...

See you.

Be careful.

Boy, she's some stuff, huh?

- I'd like to run into her in a couple of years. - I'd like to run into her right now.

- She can't be more than 15 or 16. - So?

They don't call it statutory rape anymore but they'll still throw your ass in jail.

- What do they call it now? - Illegal sex.

Boy, I think it'd be worth the risk.

Not for 10 years in the can.

That's rule number one.

Anybody sitting here?

Coors, please.

Hi. Aren't you a lifeguard down at the beach?

Yeah.

You look really familiar. Have you saved anyone lately?

Yeah, matter of fact, I was three for five today.

What happened to the other two?

They were just too far out. Had to let them go.

- Three for five's not bad, though. - Isn't it?

- Come on, you're kidding me, aren't you? - No.

Actually, I haven't spent much time at the beach lately...

- since I've been working. - Oh, yeah?

- What do you do? - I work for a doctor in Century City.

- Are you a nurse? - No, a receptionist.

- What kind of doctor? - Gynecologist.

I hear there's a lot of openings in that field.

No, actually, it took me a long time to find.

- Then things must be pretty tight. - Yeah, they really are.

- Hey, my name's Sandy. - I'm Rick.

Can I buy you a drink?

Sure.

That old guy never stops. He must be at least 70.

Look at that old gal.

The water's not even up to her boobs and she thinks she's drowning.

- Better go in and get her. - Me?

- You're a lifeguard, aren't you? Go on. - Yeah.

- Where you going to school? - Santa Barbara.

Like it?

- A necessary evil, I guess. - Yeah, I know what you mean.

Tried it once. Got a degree, too.

B.S. Bored Shitless.

I'll be damned.

- Hold the fort, will you? - Sure.

Hey, Larry!

- Rick? - Yep.

- I'll be right with you. - What's happening?

- Rick Carlson. How the hell are you? - Good to see you.

- All right. How you doing? - Fine.

- You look good. - You, too.

It's got to be 10 years, right?

Why, yeah, at least. How's the acting career?

Gave that up five years ago, told my agent to shove it.