Vacation

Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain, Rusty Griswold.

Hope you've enjoyed your 18-minute flight from South Bend.

We'll be touching down at Chicago's Midway very shortly.

We'd like to thank you for flying with us today...

because at Econo Air, we're working hard to win back your trust.

- Harry, you mind taking over while I hit the lav? - Sure thing, Rusty.

Thank you very much.

- Oh, and Rusty. - Mm-hm.

I wanna thank you for going to bat for me last week.

I was happy to do it.

Just because corporate says you're too old to fly doesn't make it true.

You're more qualified than us younger guys.

- Means a lot to me. - Sure thing.

- Oh, and Rusty. - Mm-hm.

I wanna thank you for going to bat for me last week.

Yeah.

You bet.

Dad, is that the pilot?

It sure is.

- He just came from the cockpit. - Whoa.

- Hey there, little guy. - Hi.

Is this your first time on a plane?

We were planning on driving...

but, uh, Tyler here has been begging us to go on his first airplane.

- Oh, is that right? - Uh-huh.

Do you think I can be a pilot when I grow up?

Heh. Yeah, well, I don't see why not.

You just have to study hard and listen to your parents, all right?

- Okay, heh. - Sorry about that.

- Little bit of rough air. - It's okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Don't worry about it, heh.

Hey, we call that "turbulence," all right?

That's when the plane passes...

So sorry.

Okay, you folks enjoy the rest of your flight.

Let me give you a hand.

Can you please stay the fuck away from us?

Harry, you took us up to 60,000 feet. What are you doing?

Oh, Rusty.

I wanna thank you for going to bat for me last week.

Or the time that Pan Continental put us up at the Ritz in Barcelona.

You know, I'll tell you one thing about the Spanish women:

- They, uh, love them some airline pilots. - Heh. They do.

I never took the uniform off, except when I did.

Ladies.

All full. You have to wait for the next one.

- But I was... - You were what?

I'll catch the next one.

See you around, Econo Air.

- The third time this month. - I know.

Do something about him. He's always picking on me.

I know he is. I'm so sorry, honey. Hey.

- Hi. What's going on here? - You'll see.

Kevin, get down here, please.

- Look what he did to my guitar. - Aw. Again?

God. You told Mom and Dad?

You have such a vagina.

Okay, enough, enough. Now, young man...

we talked about the bullying of your older brother.

That's right. We don't make fun of someone just because they're different.

- I don't have a vagina. - I'm just saying, if you did...

it wouldn't be okay for Kevin to tease you about your vagina.

Why are you making it sound like I have a vagina?

I know you don't have a vagina. I'm not doing that.

- Kevin, apologize to your brother, please. - Fine. I'm sorry.

Now go to your room.

Ah. I was in my fucking room.

- Whoa, hey, Kevin? Get back down here. - Ah.

Now listen.

There are a lot of boys who are born with vaginas.

It's very hard for them.

- Honey. Why? - It's a teachable moment, hon.

Gender fluidity, right? It's a very serious issue.

- I'm not gender-fluid. - It doesn't matter if you are.

The point is your mom and I would love you...

even if you were completely blank down there.

Okay, this is not the point.

Kevin, just go to your room.

Hey, James, don't get your gender fluid on me.

- Awesome. - Stop. It's not a fluid.

And what about my guitar?

It's ruined.

Let me have a look.

There you go. That'll do for now.

Now get washed up. The Petersons are coming over for dinner.

Okay, baby.

Oh, gosh. I'll get you a new guitar, okay?

- Oh, use the Vitamix. The dry bit. - Just grind it. Yeah.

Sheila.

- So do you have to work tomorrow? - So, um, Sheila.

- I want to go to the movies with my friends. - Sheila.

- What? - Do you like school this year?

It's okay.

"So do you like school this year?"

That's seriously what you sound like. Just shut up.

God, I'm telling you, Russ, you've gotta get one of these go-kart kits.

- What? - Oh, yeah.

Gary and I spent the last two months building this.

We took her out this morning for the first time.

Holy moly.

- Fun? - No, no, it was terrible. Oh, yeah, it was fun.

Hot damn, it's a go-kart.

G-man, get over here.

- G-man, G-man, G-man. - Uh-oh.

Oh, my God, my G-man. I love him.

Get in there. What?

What? What? Get in there. Get in there.

Oh, man. I love you so much.

Tell Mr. Griswold how dope our go-kart is.

It's got a Zanardi chassis and a four-stroke Briggs & Stratton engine.

- Wow, and you guys built this together? - We worked on it every day...

after homework and toothbrushing. I love... Get over here, man.

Work it, Sugar Ray. Come on, Sugar Ray.

He's working me over.

I'm gonna eat your face!

Kevin, James, get over here.

No.

Come on, heh. Oh, there you are.

- Dad, stop. What are you doing? - Come on, man, we're sparring.

- We do this all the time. - No. We never do this.

- Hey, don't hit your old man. - I don't wanna be a part of this.

What are you doing?!

- This is how accidents happen. - Sacrifice!

Dad, let go of me. Stop. Why did you do that?

I'm sorry, man. Come on. I was just fooling around.

- That wasn't fun. - Like we always do.

We never do that.

Hey, what do you say you and I build a go-kart together?

If we have to.

Yeah, all right, G-man, heh!

Get out of here. Get out of here, G-man.

Did you just steal my son's nickname?

I'm not sure about... Oh, shoot. Dang it.

Wow, your ring is getting loose, there, Deb. Are you losing weight?

Yeah. I am. You know what I've been doing?

Spinning.

Yeah, it's a great stress reliever.

I'm gonna tell you what's an even greater stress reliever.

And that is a week in Paris.

Oh, my gosh! I saw that on Instagram.

All your pictures were so great.

- So you did see them. - Yeah.

Funny, because I was gonna ask how come you didn't like any of them.

What do you mean? I just said I did.

All my other friends, uh, who saw my Paris pics, they clicked "like."

You were the only one who didn't click "like."

Oh. I guess I just didn't get around to actually clicking "like" on them.

Okay, because look at this one. Now, in this one we have...

- Sheila and Gary wearing berets. - I know.

- Right? - Heh. I like that one so much. It's so cute.

- But you didn't "like" it. - Okay.

Here are the four of us at the Arc de Triomphe.

Didn't "like" that. Didn't "like" my children. Didn't "like" my man kissing on me.

I promise you the second you guys leave I am gonna go upstairs online...

and I am gonna click "like" on every single one of them.

Honestly, honey, it really makes no difference to me.

So are you guys going anywhere special this summer?

No. I wish. Yeah. No.

We are renting the same cabin that we've been renting for 10 years in Cheboygan, Michigan.

The boys call it "Che-boring," Michigan.

- Isn't that funny? - Why don't you just go someplace else?

No, we can't. Rusty loves it so much. I'd break his heart if I told him we hate the cabin.

- Oh, boy. I understand. - Yeah.

I understand. Well, you know what the good news is?

Hmm?

Honestly, even if you go there and you don't have a great time, baby...

at least you know that I will click "like" on all your photos.

Jesus Christ, Nancy.

Look!

Look!

What the fuck is this?!

Louie!

What the fuck is this?! Hey, madam.

How much capellini are you throwing away?!

What are you doing, Melinda?! What are you doing?!

Guys, I have exciting news.

James has AIDS?

What? No. That's horrible.

- I'd be excited. - Well, what is it? What is it?

- The four of us are gonna take a little trip. - Paris.

Hmm. No, much better.

We're driving to Walley World.

- What? - This family's in a rut.

We gotta shake things up, right? Spend a little quality time.

It wouldn't hurt for the boys to learn to get along a little better.

- Uh, by locking them in a car together? - Yeah.

- This is some bullshit right here! - Hey, language.

Well, it is. I'm gonna miss the first week of wrestling practice.

We'll find a wrestling range along the way, heh.

That's not even a thing.

And, Dad, no offense, I just don't wanna do my first big road trip...

to some corporate theme park, you know?

I'd like to explore the real America, like Jack Kerouac or the Merry Pranksters.

- Don't say weird shit! - Ah. Ow!

Kevin, bullying! Guys, come on.

My trip to Walley World when I was a kid was the best time I ever had.

So you just wanna redo your vacation from 30 years ago?

Don't you think that's gonna be kind of a letdown?

No, no, no. We're not redoing anything. This will be completely different.