The Rookie

The ceiling leak is back.

Oh, well, I can fix it again,

but the truth is, we need a new roof.

- That sounds expensive. - About 15,000.

Can we DIY it?

- That would be 15,000 plus hospital bills.

Roofs are my nemeses.

- OK, sounds like I'll be getting

a lottery ticket on the way to work.

All right.

I will see you shortly.

Oh, hello, Officer John Nolan.

What a joy to my eyes.

I need advice from my bestie. May I come in?

- Uh, well, I know we're friends--

- I think he means me. What's up?

Oh, well, Schnuckiputzi,

I'm struggling with a major problem,

one that has plagued humanity

since it first emerged from the primordial ooze

and ate from the pornographic apple.

I'm in love. - Again?

This time it's for keeps.

She's the one, the future Mrs. Skip Tracer Randy.

- That's wonderful. I hope we get to meet her.

Oh, well, you already have.

The object of my affection is none other than

the beautiful, talented and unnervingly flexible

Chastity Sneed.

My brother's girlfriend?

Half brother, yes.

When we were having a wonderful roleplaying adventures

together at your wedding, I felt a deep

and powerful connection I can no longer deny.

I love Peter. Yes, he's fine. OK, whatever.

But I also kind of wish he was a little bit dead.

- Well, we've all been there. - Mm-hmm.

- OK, well, have you let her know this?

- That is why I'm here. I need your help.

I want to make a grand romantic gesture.

What do you think she would like more,

a giraffe or perhaps like a purple Lamborghini?

- Oh, those are two very different,

very expensive options.

Oh, yes.

I forgot to tell you, how silly of me.

So ten years ago, a client paid me

using a pretend wallet thingy on the computer.

I checked it recently, and it turns out

Randy Spitz is a Bitcoin billionaire.

A billionaire?

- OK, well, like a 100 millionaire,

but that doesn't roll off the tongue the same way.

Anyway, let's brainstorm.

What is the clearest path to Chastity's heart?

- OK, we actually have to get to work,

so maybe we can talk about this over dinner.

Yeah.

Perhaps I give you $100,000

for five more minutes of your time.

- Let me grab you a cup of coffee.

Is it still four cream, six sugars?

Always, yes.

Hm, my mom is calling.

It is too early in the morning for this.

It might be an emergency.

- Hey, Mom. Everything OK?

- Someone's trying to get in the house.

- Lock yourself in the bathroom.

Do not come out until I get there.

Control, I have an in-progress home invasion.

Mom, are you OK?

Yeah, sorry to worry you.

Angela, your hair looks so cute that way.

Thank you, Mrs. Harper.

Mom, what is going on?

Well, I feel so silly.

It wasn't a burglar.

It was this nice gentleman.

- Deputy Ron Martin, West Hollywood station.

- Why were you trying to get into my mother's house?

- I'm serving an eviction notice.

- This must be the wrong address.

She's the owner.

- That's what I was trying to tell him.

- I checked the address multiple times, ma'am.

Your mother received several warnings

that she needed to vacate.

- Did you get a notice? - Uh, I don't know.

I mostly get junk mail, but I recycle it.

- Here, I'll call Wesley. We'll get this sorted out.

Mommy, I'm not fussing.

- Ruth, I got here as fast as I could.

- Mom? - Oh, hi, dear.

- Thank you. - Are you OK?

Yeah.

- You sounded so scared on the phone.

- You two are friends? Did you know this?

No.

- Best of friends, as a matter of fact.

- Which you would know if you ever called.

- I don't like any of this. - Me neither.

- When do they post the results from the sergeant exam?

Today, supposedly.

So my anxiety is at about a 12 right now.

What? - No, no, nothing.

- What? - It's not that important.

No, nothing. I--

- What? - I need help.

I-- - OK.

- Not like "in case of emergency" help, but I--

- OK, stop. Just--just ask the question.

Right.

What should I get Rodge for his birthday?

Oh, well, when is it?

- Saturday. - OK.

Well, have you thought about just asking him what he wants?

- No, because that would undermine my whole existence.

What?

- I'm an empath, an intuitive, a deeply spiritual person.

I should be able to--to feel the right gift in my soul.

Right, OK.

And you're not feeling that with Rodge?

I'm feeling nothing.

And it's freaking me out because I really like him.

But what if it's a sign that something is wrong?

Listen, it could be.

Or you could be putting so much pressure on yourself

to get the perfect gift that you sent your intuition

into a panic spiral.

- You think I'm spiraling? - I mean--

- Guten tag to my favorite officers

of the female persuasion.

- Randy, hi. - Nice car.

- Yes, thank you. I just purchased it.

I'm coming to you now because I need your help.

John and Bailey's gift ideas were useless.

I need a young woman's perspective.

- OK, uh, perspective about what?

I'm in love with Chastity.

"Oh, Pete's Chastity?" Yes, that's the one.

"Well, since when?" Well, during the wedding,

I pretended to be Pete, and things led to things.

And now I'm in love, OK? Got it? Great.

Now, what do I need to give her, my new beloved?

- Oh, we were just talking about gifts.

My boyfriend Rodge, he-- - Oh, time out. No, no.

We're talking about me, so let's focus, OK?

What do women like?

- Oh, yeah, uh, well, I've always liked

getting to know each other's shared goals and values.

- OK. Yeah, let's keep thinking.

Uh, how about a house?

What if a man bought you a house?

You would have to love him then, yes?

I mean, how big a house?

- What? - What?

I mean, real estate in LA is cutthroat.

- Randy, listen, if you really see a future with Chastity,

just talk to her.

You know, get to know her friends, her life.

To me, I think women just want to be listened to.

I think that's the real foundation of a relationship.

Friends, yes.

Your wisdom is truly boundless, Lucy Chen.

I am off to win her love with listening.

Ha-ha!

Oh, and maybe I'll pick up some diamonds on the way,

you know, just in case.

- Oh, that's going to end badly, isn't it?

100%.

- You were on the Burns' case this morning, yeah?

- Yeah, back to the depositions.

- Great, thanks for taking that off my hands for me.

Between the election and these college visits,

I barely have time to breathe. - Mm.

Any chance Logan will stay local?

- Well, you know, I'm doing my best.

I'm talking up UCLA, USC.

But he clearly wants whatever college

gets him furthest away from us.

- Jack slept on my head last night.

You know, I used to want to

punch people when they said this to me,

but you're gonna miss it when it's over.

I'm sure I will.

- Morning, gentlemen. Are you ready to testify?

Yes, sir.

And if that ain't a fact, God's a possum.

I don't know what that means.

- I've learned to ignore the country commentary.

- Ah. But I don't hate it.

As long as your answers are clear and concise,

a little personality goes a long way with the jury.

- But not with your training officer.

Yes, sir.

- That is too much handsome for one hallway.

- Save the sweet talk for the jury, Atlas.

- After this morning, I believe you're gonna reconsider

taking this to trial.