Strangers with Candy

Okay… First of all, I want you all to know

you make me sick.

And I'm sure there's something I could bust

each and every one of you little mother-lovers for.

And frankly, I'd love nothing more

than to see each and every one of you in prison.

But hey, I've been asked not to talk about my fantasies,

so I'm going to talk to you about street drugs.

This little tin right here contains the whole rigmarole.

I got some big fat doobies in here,

I got both your powdered and crack cocaine,

I got your goofballs, I got your peyote, amphetamines,

and also mood stabilizers.

All right, so let's pop a cork in the chatter…

And watch the film.

Okay, first of all, I'd like you to know…

That you all make me sick.

So let's pop a cork in the chatter

and watch the film.

Ooh!

Hello, I'm Jerri Blank

and I'm a 46-year-old high school freshman.

For 32 years I was a teenage runaway.

I was a boozer, a user, and a loser.

My friends were dealers, cons and 18-carat pimps.

But now I'm out of jail,

picking up my life exactly where I left off.

I'm back in high school, living at home,

and discovering all sorts of things about my body.

I'm finding out that though the faces have changed,

the hassles are just the same.

And meanwhile, our cousins from the East were eating bowls of rice,

safely nestled in their internment camps.

Excellent report, Poppy.

It's important that we never forget the atrocities

the Japanese committed against our boys.

Okay, good job.

Jerri?

Are you ready with your report?

History has taught us many things.

For example…

I can't smoke one stick of pot, or take one needle of coke.

One night… I'll make this quick…

One night, I was thrown by a horse

and I had to have a laminectomy. Thank you, Jerri.

You all know the size of a king-size sheet, right?

You try scrambling down that in the dark

after a boot of scag or a snort of horse…

Really, Jerri, that's fine.

What was your report on again?

Brazil.

Thank you, Jerri.

Oh, real quick.

I need to know who's coming to my party on Friday night.

Oh th… that's cool,

you can just tell me later or just come.

We're serving hot fruit.

All right, everybody, for tomorrow

read chapters 15 through 23.

"Rise of the Incas."

Jerri… can you stay a minute?

Oh, I gotta leave early today.

Heh, I'm having my uterus scraped.

Oh, I… uh I brought a note.

I know, I read the note.

We all… read the note.

Jerri, I'm a little concerned about all this party talk.

I think you should be more concerned

with your failing grades.

Failing grades?!

We've only been in school for 3 days!

I've calculated your final grade point average

based on this morning's geography pop quiz…

And I'm afraid it all adds up

to you being held back.

But if I don't graduate by the time I'm 50,

I'll be the laughing stock of Flatpoint High.

Then I suggest you spend a little bit more time

thinking about your grades

and a little less about parties.

I'm only having this party so I can make some friends.

Jerri, let me give you a little advice.

No one makes friends with a failure.

Okay, you understand?

Now you run along and have fun.

Bye-bye.

Lock the door.

Hey, Poppy.

I see you haven't had a chance to sign up for my party yet.

Oh, no.

I guess I haven't had a chance yet.

Maybe now would be a good time to do it.

You know, I'm a little busy.

Oh, you look really busy.

Gosh.

You want to do something after school today?

Oh, you know, Jerri, I can't

I'm being fitted for the homecoming crown.

Maybe Saturday we could go to

Ministrokes and play some Putt-Putt.

Oh, yeah, maybe not.

Hey, Jerri, what's up?

Way to go!

I was this close

getting Poppy to sign up for the party.

Then you came and you scared her away.

You don't want those girls at your party anyway, Jerri.

You should hear the things they say about your face

behind your back.

But if they don't come, it's just gonna be you and me.

I mean, bring a book.

Oh, forget about it, let's go to lunch, I'm starving.

I can't go to lunch.

I have to work on a paper.

Oh, boo-hoo.

I won't be dining with a pan-faced chimp…

I'll peel my own bananas.

Mr. Jellineck?

Uh-huh.

What are you painting?

Oh, just a little bit of Americana

for Drug Awareness Week.

It's the Battle of Miami.

Got Columbus here fighting the Pilgrims

as they attempted to land.

Nice colors.

Can I talk to you for a second?

You know my door is always open.

What's on your mind?

Well, you seem like an outsider.

Ha, ha, ha, ahhh… I'm an artist.

I'm having a hard time fitting in and making friends.

Really? You have such a beautiful brother.

Stepbrother.

Oh, of course.

Listen to me, Jerri, you know something,

you're a very special person, you know that?

Yes, you are.

You're a joy to be around,

you're beautiful… inside,

all you need to do to fit in…

You just need to dig deep inside

and find out what makes you unique.

Just dig around, like a badger in a trash can.

A-ha, ha..

Yes!

And then just go with what you know.

"Go with what you know."

Yes, go with what you know.

All right now?

Okay, you run along, I got work to do.

Lock that door on the way out.

Shelly!

How's my favorite little turtle?

Come here, ahhhh, Shelly…

I think Mr. Jellineck was right.

I only wish I knew what I had to offer.

Oh babies, I love you Shelly.

You're the only one I can talk to.

I would just die if anything ever, ever happened to you.

Let's go get you a badge, because you know what?

It's "Shelly for President"!

Ha, ha, ha!

Can you imagine what type of loser party she'll have?

"Hey guys, bring hot fruit."

Good joke, Poppy!

My God, we should go just to have a good laugh.

Oh, hi, Jerri.

Oh… hi.

Gosh, that's a nice outfit.

Where'd you get it?

I got it at the Comfort Zone.

Ohhh, really?

Well, you can't tell.

Why can't we just be friends?

Because people like you and people like us

are never friends.

She really thinks we're going to be friends with her?

JERRI, JELLINECK: Just go with what you know.

Who wants to go to a cock fight?

I'll drive!

A cock fight?

I don't know. I'll see you later.

Hey, don't you girls hate it

when air gets trapped in this region?

No?

I can make drugs.

Oh really, Jerri?

Is that a fact?

I could whip up a batch tonight with my eyes closed.

It would make you trip your tight little ass off.

Okay, Jerri.

Why don't you do that

and bring it to school tomorrow, and uh…

We'll just see.

All righty, we'll just see.

Oh, and Poppy,

I suggest you pack a little bag because…

Tomorrow you're going on the trip of your life.

Eww!