Gilmore Girls

You are hilarious!

Okay, last night when I said to you:

"Tomorrow, no matter what, make sure I get up at 7:00"...

what I actually meant was, "Tomorrow, no matter what..."

"Make sure I have the option of getting up at 7:00..."

"In case when 7:00 comes, I actually wanna get up."

Which, as it happened, I didn't.

Therefore, you're currently responsible for the great alarm clock slaughter of 2002.

No survivors?

The one shaped like a bunny escaped with a mild decapitation.

- This is decaf. - What do you mean?

- You switched my coffee again. - I'm a busy man.

I don't have time to sneak around switching your coffee.

I have a diner to run. I have shipments to order.

I have things to flip and fry. Will you stop that?

Under the sink. Very clever. But not clever enough, bucko.

Okay, fine. You know what? I give up.

- Go one day without coffee. - That's not giving up.

- I'll put a toy in your cereal. - Dirty!

- Fine. Here, you win. - Thank you.

You're welcome. Now you're up, you're fed. I'm leaving.

- We need Q-Tips. - I'll alert the media.

See, that's better with the accent.

The reference is enough. You'll learn that one day.

I'll be home early. Anything besides the Q-Tips?

Cotton balls, world peace, Connie Chung's original face back...

Goodbye, crazy lady.

- Goodbye, Sid and Nancy. - Leopold and Loeb.

- What? - I changed my mind. Don't tell Rory.

- Decaf. - Never.

- They'll both have two heads. - More to love.

Hello? LORELAI: You have to come home.

- Mom? - You're gone and the house is quiet.

Bill Maher is canceled.

The name of the show was Politically incorrect. Didn't anyone read the title?

He was supposed to say those things, damn it!

- You had another dream. - Yes.

- The doctor is in. - Okay, I'm lying in bed...

and I'm sleeping. I'm wearing this fabulous nightgown.

And 30 alarm clocks go off.

And so I get out of bed and I walk downstairs.

And there, standing in the kitchen, is Luke.

- Was he naked? - No.

- He was making breakfast. - Naked?

You've been in Washington way too long.

Sorry. Go ahead. He was making breakfast.

Eggs and pancakes and bacon.

He put decaf coffee in my regular coffee bag...

- which, of course, I knew immediately. - The nose.

Exactly. So eventually I find the real stuff under the sink.

- He hands me my breakfast, and then... - What?

He kissed me and talked to my stomach!

- Why would he do that? - Because apparently I'm pregnant.

- What? - With twins!

- Say something. - You are going to be so fat.

Just analyze my dream, please.

Your dream is telling you that you are secretly in love with Luke...

you want to marry him, and have his twins.

No. Try again.

What do you mean? You asked me to analyze your dream. I did.

I reject that analysis. So I'd like another one, please.

You can't just reject an analysis and try again.

- You're not shopping for bathing suits. - Give me another analysis...

or I'll put your Taylor Hula-Hooping dream into a whole other context.

I told you, Taylor was supposed to be Dean.

I could tell by his freakishly thick head of hair.

I'm waiting.

Okay, maybe you're still upset about what happened with Dad...

and you're jealous of Sherry...

because she's having his baby and not you.

Mom?

- I miss you. - I miss you, too.

Woodward. Bernstein. Harry Thomason.

Is that Paris?

Yeah, she talks in her sleep. Long in-depth arguments.

I'm so glad I only have one more day here.

Me, too.

What do you have on your agenda for tomorrow? Or today, actually.

We have a breakfast mixer with members of Congress and the Senate.

Cool. Try and steal me something from Tom Daschle's fruit plate.

- I'll see what I can do. - See you Friday, Doc.

See you Friday.

I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

- No way. - I swear.

- Kosher bacon? - Beef, not pork.

I am so Jewish.

- Sookie, where's my... - Jackson, hold on. Lorelai's here.

Jackson, I'm in the kitchen! I'm eating bacon, so don't...

Will you stop it? I'm dressed.

How do I know you weren't showering...

the hot water went out, and you rushed down...

with nothing but a teeny, tiny towel in front of you?

- That happened once. - Once was enough.

I got those paint chips we were talking about.

- Do you want to look at them now? - Nope.

It'll take a minute and I picked out a couple of colors.

- What are you painting? - Nothing.

- The house. - The whole house?

- Just the inside. - That's a big undertaking.

It's not a big undertaking, since we're not undertaking it.

- I know, but it'll be fun. - Rory and I'll help if you want.

If you're gonna come over every day, you have to actually hear both of us.

Tell me why you're not painting the inside of the house.

Because it was my house, and now it's our house...

and I want it to feel like our house.

- I am happy with the way this house feels. - How can you be?

- There's flowers everywhere. - I like flowers. I'm a produce guy.

- The curtains are ruffly. - I like ruffles.

- How can you like ruffles? - Because I'm very, very gay.

Judy, Vincente has to go to work now. Goodbye, Lorelai. Tell her I'm fine.

- I like things just the way they are. - I'll try.

I've only got a minute, then I have to leave.

- Is there any more bacon? - Have mine.

What do you think about mahogany for the living room...

and then midnight blue for the hallway and the bedroom?

Jackson just said he's fine with how everything is.

I don't think it's bugging him.

He may not think so now, but it'll bug him eventually.

Then he'll resent this place, and me, by extension...

and I would like to avoid that.

I can. I just need to butch the place up a little. Help me pick a color.

Okay, I can't now, but I'll do it later. Thanks for breakfast. It was amazing.

I love you. I love the bacon. Hey, bacon's manly.

Why don't you nail a bunch of packages of kosher bacon on the walls?

It smells like meat blessed by a rabbi. That's a manly house.

Bye.

Okay, but if you're still thinking paint...

you're still thinking like a chick.

Watch those streamers! And not too much red near that tree.

Light touch!

- Taylor, how's the leg? - It's just fine.

Still don't know who put the banana peel on your doorstep?

No, but I have a list of suspects.

- What's all this for? - This, young lady...

is for the first Annual Stars Hollow End of Summer Madness Festival.

You finally found a way to fill September, didn't you?

This will be very exciting. I'm going all out for this.

I even think you'll be impressed.

- Really? Even me? - Yes, sirree, Mini-me!

I did not put the word "madness" in the title for nothing.

This place is gonna be crazy, wild! Food, games.

We've even got a band coming all the way from New York!

New York? That's just nuts!

And wait till you see the banner I ordered.

It'll make every other banner we've ever had look downright embarrassing.

- Taylor, you're on fire. - I love this banner!

- I can't wait to see it. - Come on Friday.

Excuse me, young lady. You know I'm talking to you.

The blonde woman with the ribbons, please slow down.

I'm in a wheelchair, young lady. I can't run after you.

Sen. Boxer, as one of our foremost democratic leaders, I ask you:

Do you think it looks good to have...

the American secretary of the treasury traveling with Bono?

I know, apparently he's a saint. He's going to save the world.

But, my God, he never even takes the sunglasses off.

Don't we have an image to maintain?

Aren't we at least pretending we're the superpower in this world?

Why not just send Carson Daly to the Middle East next time Cheney goes?

Hook up Freddie Prinze Jr. with Colin Powell next time he meets NATO.

Let's hear what Freddie has to say, right?

Wait, Doug.

Paris, do you know Republican Congressman Doug Ose from California?

You don't? Great.

You two will have so much to talk about. Bye.

- Barbara? - Ose, right?

- Yes, that's right. - Let's take a walk.

- Last day here? - Yep.

In your opinion, how is our nation's capital?

I got to see Archie Bunker's chair at the Smithsonian Museum.

So it was a big thumbs up for me.

There are times when this country's priorities are exactly right.

- So, where's Paris? - Not quite sure. Last time I saw her...

she was beating the will to live out of our nation's representatives.

- She is a hammer, isn't she? - Actually, she's the entire toolbox.

I always seem to catch the most interesting politicians...

when they have to use the bathroom. Hey, Jamie.

Paris, I got a little sneak peek at the final debate pairings for today.

Seems like you and I are on the same side this time.

You'd think they'd give someone else a fighting chance.

Apparently not.

I love this. You don't realize how unqualified America's youth is...

until you gather them all up in a room and make them speak.

- Who are we up against? - Jason Roundsevault and Ty Fredericks.

Perfect. Jason's got asthma, and Ty cries.

We should meet early and go over strategy.

- Make sure you bring Kleenex. - Good.

Then tonight we should meet and celebrate over dinner.

- What if we don't win? - Don't lose it on me now.

- You're right. - Dinner?

- Sure. - I'll swing around for you about 7:00.

- Fine. - See you at the slaughter.

- Wow! - What?

Can you imagine pairing me with Jamie?

Why not just line the hallways with self-esteem counselors right now?

- Paris? - What?

What do you mean? He just asked you out on a date.

- He did not. - He did. You're having dinner with him.

It's a victory dinner, that's it.

If he just wanted to celebrate winning a debate...

you guys could've had coffee later. But he asked you out on a date.