Antarctica

I talked to Jenny mcaullife today.

Lord, why?

She cornered me.

What did you guys talk about?

I don't even remember.

She was going on and on about something really boring,

like a family car trip, and she was just so excited.

It was so weird.

It's not like she was talking about a new boyfriend

or seeing her favorite band.

She was just psyched.

Like high on life.

Yeah, war, child abuse, poverty, disease,

life gets me wasted.

And I was thinking,

I've never been that excited about anything and I'm like 17.

It's only gonna get lamer and more boring from here.

People who are that happy are insane.

We're doomed.

Well peeps, it's Friday and you are all set

for another weekend.

Yeah, that's slammin'.

And while most of you will do the right thing

like doing homework and going to church,

some of you will be putting your futures

and your very lives at stake.

Yes, homeboys and girls, I'm talking about partying.

Check your head, and don't believe the hype.

It's no difference if it's brewskies or the kind herb,

coke, crank, smack, LSD, pcp,

model airplane glue, vaginal, oral, or anal.

It all leads to the same place.

Jail, the hospital or the graveyard.

For reals.

Holla if ya hear me.

Has Mrs. Feen ever even had sex?

So let's all give it up and turn it loose

and watch these three short educational films,

you booze, you lose,

the bloodstained cell phone,

and conchita has genital warts.

Hall lockers,

true windows to the soul. Ugly dykes.

These are the innocent, carefree good times

we'll remember the rest of our lives.

Pain is weakness leaving the body?

So what, if you get run over by a car it makes you stronger?

Or what about getting bone cancer?

I hear that's painful.

You'd be hella strong then.

He's cute.

You're worse than my mother.

He'd do it with you and then laugh

and send all his friends pictures.

Can't I even look?

They can't be all bad.

Y'know, we should be lesbians.

I can't do the wardrobe.

Also that partner word.

Yuck, partner sounds like you work

at a law firm or co—own a muffin shop.

Muffin shop.

Yo, what did one lesbian vampire

say to the other lesbian vampire?

We don't care.

See you next month.

Well, that's my cue.

Talk to you later. See ya.

You know what your problem is?

Did I consent to this conversation?

You think you smarter than everybody.

'Cause you all serious all the time

and 'cause I always clowning and whatevs,

you think I'm not thoughtful and shit.

Well, yes.

But my shit is deep, though.

And how deep would that shit be?

Yo, check this.

So I used to wonder so few black people are serial killers.

But then I figured it out.

The whole thing about being a serial killer

is that cops leave 'em alone so you do it again and again.

Jeffrey dahmer's got some rotten dead guy in his freezer

cops come over, well Mr. Dahmer,

we've had some complaints about a smell,

but looks like everything's fine here.

Why don't you get back to skull fucking

that corpse you just warmed up in the microwave.

Brother can't do that.

Black man walkin' down the street,

the cops go hey hey what's your name?

Show me some ID, get in the car,

we're gonna beat your ass

until you confess to something you ain't done.

There ain't no time to pick up 20 girls

on the street and make hooker soup out of 'em.

Police be on a brother's ass every other week.

Stevie, do you actually know any black people?

No.

But you know why?

'Cause it's a racist conspiracy.

Oh hang on, you got something on your face.

Okay, that was cute, but I'm going this way,

and you're going that way.

No worries, no bigness.

Tell your mama she was on her game the day she made you.

You a fine little meow meow.

Meow meow.

French philosopher octave mirbeau

once wrote the universe appears to me like an immense,

inexorable torture garden.

Do you agree or disagree and why?

I feel this is a trick question.

Life is torture for everyone who's not stupid or super rich.

But that answer will make you think that I am someone

who will spend their whole time at school

starting campus protests.

So,

no, I disagree.

The universe is a beautiful place full of laughing babies

and puppies that fart rainbows.

Describe the world

within 100 feet of you right now.

Okay.

Well, there's my dad, who is probably peeing.

My dad seems to be peeing a lot these days.

Perhaps he is pregnant.

My Teddy bear Lionel.

The vibrator I ordered online

using my elderly neighbor's name

so if my dad opened the box I could just say

the mailman made a mistake.

My custom magic 8 ball that only gives me answers I like.

And a sweaty fat chick

sitting at a computer who really hopes she gets into college

so she can escape this butthole of a town

before it eats her alive.

Please attach a photo of yourself.

Aren't I old enough for grown—up food?

I don't have time to make two meals.

You,

you need chew food.

I am.

No, you need chew more.

40 times every bite.

Digest properly.

Food expand in stomach, get stuck in intestine for weeks.

Even months.

If that were true, wouldn't people just explode?

Don't be sassy.

40 times.

One, two, three,

four, five.

See?

Six, seven, eight.

Nine, 10, 11. No chew?

Do you have any mints?

My mom will shit if she smells this on me.

Nolo problemo.

I bow downeth before thee, noble knave.

Oh, show's starting.

Isn't it cool when you see

two ugly people totally in love?

How do you know they're in love?

They're probably both married

Come on, he adores her.

Cooking her dinner.

Yeah, so he can hit that droopy behind after.

You mean right now.

I feel bad we're watching.

Not too bad, obviously.

It's biological 'cause he puts out chemicals

in the air that go into her brain

and they make her feel all lovey dovey.

I saw a TV show about it.

So that's why people fall in love?

That's what people write books and songs and poetry about?

Chemicals?

The way we smell?

Yeah, pretty much.

Yeah, I dunno.

Okay, now I feel bad for watching.

Oh my god, how does that even work?

I think we're venturing into can't be unseen

territory. No.

As you know, the recent gangland style murders

at nearby pettitville elementary school have given

everyone in our community. Did you do

your college essays yet?

No, my mom's paying someone to do it.

A pro, some guy she found on the Internet.

Luckily, the school board, along with coach Greene,

using his position as head

of morgansfield volunteer militia,

have agreed upon a plan to keep

us all safe at this unstable time.

Stevie d tried to kiss me.

When? After school.

That plan involves arming

and training our janitorial staff.