Rob Roy

How long?

A day, maybe two

They're away and gone, Rob, and the beasts sold

There's a wee glen on the other side of Ben Duh

If I were tinkers with a two-day start, I'd lie out there and kill me some meat

We'd not get there before dark, Rob

Not stood here, we won't

You can smell them through the meat

Aye, if they fought as strong as they smelled,

we'd be in trouble

They're there right enough, just like you said, Rob

We can rush them when they're asleep

Ten of them to six of us

Nine One of them's a woman

Half of them would be dead before they were awake

How are we going to take them, Rob?

I'll go and talk to them in the morning

I'm getting too old for this,

lying wet-arsed in the heather, chasing other men's cattle

Come away to the Americas with me

They say there's fine acres for the clearing in Virginia

Aye, and they'll likely be as hard as these to sleep on

Why are you going in to talk to them?

I know one of them

Up!

Get up, you bunch of ragged-arsed tinker cow thieves!

This is Robert Roy MacGregor come to reclaim the 32 beasts

stolen from His Lordship James Graham, Marquis of Montrose

Tam Sibbald

Still at your thieving

Throw down now and I'll spare you, all but one

There's a price to being a leader of men, Tam

By God, MacGregor,

if there's any killing to be done, you're the first

Who do you think you are, acting the great chief?

And I know you're a bigger thief than any of us

Aye, but if I had stolen His Lordship's cattle,

you would not have come walking into my dreams so easy

I can call the Gregorach and kill the half of you,

or it can be between us and nothing more

Think on it, man

Would you not rather be dead this morning

after a good hump and a belly full of stolen beef,

or would you have me march you back to Montrose

so you can shit yourself on the gallows a month hence?

Throw down! Now!

And you have my word no one else will die!

Come, lads

And any man with a blade in his hands, cut him down

Are you men, or what are you?

He killed Tam, and you stand and live!

And him as much an outlaw as any of you!

No man among you! Your mothers curse you!

You're spittle! You're leavings!

Listen to me well, and remember this,

or I'm going to remember you, every last one

When next you think to steal cattle,

have a care they're not under my protection

But if they are, you're not stealing from their owners

You're stealing from me, Robert Roy MacGregor

And no man who steals my beasts makes a profit

If you doubt me, ask Tam Sibbald

What are you going to do with her?

Be on your way, and tell no man you fared ill at our hands

Go on

Cut him down! Slash him!

Go on

Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the contest is Guthrie!

Montrose, come hotfoot from the court to the cockpit

May I present Archibald Cunningham

His Grace, the Duke of Argyll

I am Your Grace's humble servant

Another of your likely lads?

Archibald is sent me by his mother,

in the hope that our climate might cool the fever in his blood

So, Mr. Cunningham,

what are these principal sins that distress your mother?

Dice? Drink?

Or are you a buggerer of boys?

It is years, Your Grace, since I buggered a boy

And in my own defense, I must add,

I thought him a girl at the moment of entry

What say you, Guthrie, that Archie could not tell arse from quim?

I've heard that many Englishmen have that same difficulty

Spoken as well as you fought

Did you see Guthrie here at work, Mr. Cunningham?

He has a fair hand with the cleaver, it must be said

You do not think much of our Highland tools, then?

If I had to kill an ox, a claymore would be my first choice, Your Grace

You best use a musket and save the beast a slow dying

I would not need a musket for you, Guthrie

Splendid!

I'll wager 100 of what you like on Guthrie and his cleaver

At odds?

Now, come, James, you're a fox. What odds?

Three? Two

English pounds

There's more of a jingle to guineas

Guineas it is Excellent, excellent

A bumper of Rhenish for my Lord Montrose and myself,

and show Mr. Cunningham what blades we have

You honor me, sir, to serve me with your own hand

I tell you, James,

I forget how much you dislike me until I'm in your presence

So, what news at court?

What else but the succession?

Our poor queen cannot find the time to die in peace

I fear she may pass over and leave the matter unresolved

Would that she had seen a child of hers live to comfort the kingdom

Aye. One might have hoped that a field so regularly ploughed

might have yielded one good crop

In truth, I have seen healthier graveyards than that woman's womb

Come on!

I am asked continually on what side Your Grace will declare himself

Where Argyll goes, the path must be firm and broad

And now all watch to see which way to jump

One cannot go to the closet

but what some adherent to James is praising your pish

And I confess to a certain weariness in this whole issue,

and look for the light of Your Grace to give some lead

And all I could answer, in honesty,

was that it would be the one most inclined to his own benefit

Damn it, man. But you talk too much. Can you not tend to your wager?

Argyll, my wager is well won

Damn it, Guthrie!

Is it not enough that you're beaten, but you must turn backstabber?

My factor will call upon Your Grace's factor

Well done, Rob, man

Cut out another of the cattle

If the tinkers ate one, they could have eaten two

Montrose will charge you, nonetheless

I'm weary of seeing children hungry and old folk cold

It'll take more than a cow to fix that, Rob

Aye. Well, you'll be in the Americas, living off the fat,

so it won't worry you

Will you have some broth, Rob? No, Coll. I'm for home

God bless you, Rob

And then Rob just walks in among them, his sword still in its sheath,

and says, "Up. Get up, you bunch of ragged-arsed..."

Hello, Rob

Hello, Rob!

"Get up, you bunch of ragged-arsed tinker cow thieves!"

And Rob up to him and says,

"Tell your crew to lay down and I'll only cut your throat,

"else I'll call my men."

And we're all there We are ready

Get up, boy Come on

Go on. Get

I dreamed a selkie came

And what did he do to you, your selkie?

You wakened me before the best of it

But he would have ravished me for certain

How do you know you're awake, wife?

Mr. Killearn I'm on my way

Aye. Well on the way, I'd venture

Let me be, Mr. Killearn. You'll wake him. Don't, Mr. Killearn!

I'm sure the young master has you nicely greased, does he not?

Betty, you'd hardly feel me going in

A wee whiff of quim in the morning, Mr. Cunningham, sir

Just the thing to clear your head

Mr. Cunningham, I hope I'm not disturbing you

Of course you're bloody well disturbing me

Do you think I want to wake up

and find some great smelly Scotchman staring down at me?

What are you doing here?

I wanted to tell you that some of the local trades people

have been pressing for payment on your debt

And you woke me to tell me that?

A thousand apologies, Mr. Cunningham, but they've also writ to His Lordship

Damn it, man

I but recently earned His Lordship 200 guineas

What are the complaints of a few tradesmen for such services?

This country does not agree with me

I cannot wait to be out of the damnable place

The sentiments of a great many of us, sir

Would you like me to take away your chamber pot?

I know many a Scotsman would be glad of this on a cold morning

It's almost pure spirit, and I'm no judge of a pint of pish

Come back. Come here!

I killed Tam Sibbald yesterday morning

We played ball once at Crieff market

I remember shouting, "Well done, Tam," when he made a run

And there he was, hung on the end of my dirk like meat

Aye

Well, likely it was necessary

Aye, it was. Necessary enough to save worse

But those tinkers weren't all born broken men, Mary

Some of them had kin and clan

They made me fear I might have come across one of our own among them

MacGregors are not tinkers

But a hard winter or two away, some of us...

What's gnawing on you, Robert?

I've made up my mind to borrow money from Montrose

to buy cattle at Crieff market and sell at Carlisle

How much money?

£1,000

Believe me, Mary, it will turn profit £6 in Crieff is £12 in Carlisle

And I know cattle

I can drive them faster and deliver them fatter