Swearnet: The Movie

- Oh fuck! - Fuck!

- Fuck off! - Fuck you!

Jesus Christ!

Fuck off!

You clip it, point, and straight up, you stupid quiff.

It was straight up, you fuckhead, just like my cock for your slutty mom.

Holy fuck, it's the Trailer Park Boys!

Are you guys gonna get the show goin' again this year?

No, actually, we have two brand-new shows we're shootin'.

Well, hopefully.

Oh, you fuckin' sharp little fuckin' slut!

Fuck you!

I see anger management's workin' like a charm, Smith.

I quit fuckin' anger management!

Actually, that fuckin' counselor was makin' me nuts, that cocksucker!

Hey, boys, how you doin'?

- Hey, Johnny, how's it goin'? - Oh, it's great to see ya.

Hey, Johnny. How you doin', man?

It's great to have you on the show.

The fans are still so fascinated with Trailer Park Boys, you have no idea.

- We're here to talk about new shit. - Yeah, right. They're swoopin' in.

- They're comin' for you, Bubbles. - John...

Hey, do the voice, Bubbles, do the voice!

You're not Jim Lahey anymore.

Yeah, I know, I'm just fuckin' with you.

Come on, boys, we're gonna talk about all your new shit.

Let's just get this goin', John.

Robb and I are gonna hit the racetrack first thing in the morning.

Oh, yeah, right, um...

Look, I read the story about you and your old man.

Sorry for your loss, JP.

Yeah, it fuckin' sucks. He was trying to hang on long enough

to do one more rally with me, and he couldn't make it.

Cancer can go fuck itself, bud.

Oh, uh, hey, Robb, do you mind if I tell everyone

that you're workin' for a cigarette company?

The fans will love the Ricky connection.

John, we can't fuckin' talk about Trailer Park Boys. We're not allowed.

No Trailer Park Boys shit on the air.

Hey, no problem.

- -

Welcome to On the Rocks.

I'm your host, John Dunsworth.

Today we have some very special guests who need no introduction.

Here they are: Mike Smith, John Paul Tremblay, Robb Wells!

Ricky, Julian and Bubbles from the Trailer Park Boys!

We just fuckin' talked about this.

I know, I know. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Listen, I hear you guys are workin' on some new projects.

- I hear they're great. - That's what we're here to talk about.

We're excited to be movin' on, doin' something different.

The big question on everyone's mind, including mine, is, uh,

do you think we'll ever do any more episodes of the Trailer Park Boys?

- Holy fuck. - Fuck this.

- Fuck this, John! - Hey, Mike, have a sense of humor. Ricky?

We can't do this. We're not allowed. We said that.

Hey, hey, Ricky!

- Nice goin', John. - Yeah.

Fuckin' tree!

["Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns N' Roses playing]

Faster, faster, faster!

Oh, come on, son, yeah, just like that!

Yes, faster, faster!

Oh, yeah. Oh, fuck yeah, John Paul, nice drivin'!

I think I'm gonna blow a big load all over your chest, son!

You're doin' great!

Robb, Robb, don't make my dad jerk himself off. It's disrespectful.

It's not your dad. It's just a doll, you fuckin' fruit.

It's not just a doll. My dad's ashes are in that thing!

- What? - Yeah.

Why didn't you tell me that, before I started jerkin' him off?

I'm gonna tell you I put my dad's fuckin' ashes in a doll?

Sorry, Mr. Tremblay. You were an incredible racer.

I didn't mean to jack your beautiful cock.

- That's enough! - Punch it!

Go, Robb! Go! Go!

Are these guys ever gonna grow up?

Oh, I hope not! Go, baby, go!

Nice driving, baby!

You shaved off 11 seconds of time!

- Oh, fuckin'-- -

Oh my God, that was so much fun!

Daddy's gonna kick some ass next week, you little alien!

- Oh... - Baby.

- -

Thanks for lettin' me do this, babe. You're fuckin' awesome.

Oh, are you sure you have to go to that meeting?

'Cause I want this inside of me right now.

- Oh, Jesus, you're makin' me hard. -

- I fuckin' love you. - Oh, I love you more.

Hey, that's not nice.

Okay, okay, okay, I love you same then!

I need you to run some errands.

You can pick up that paint I ordered on your way home.

- Sure. - Gotta go, bud.

Let's move it! Gonna be late!

I love you.

Sorry, I love you too.

- Give me those lips. - Oh, the paint!

Dad's in the car, okay?

Oh, don't worry! I'll take care of him!

- Fuck, I love you! - Oh, it's so exciting!

The three boys on the TV again! Oh my goodness!

I just wish Mike wasn't involved. He's such a fuckin' idiot.

What do you mean? They're all the same team, Julie!

Didn't she just paint the entire fuckin' house like a month ago?

Yup, she's bored with the colors, man. You know what women are like.

- No, man, that's insane. - It was only 1200 bucks.

Twelve hundred bucks?! Jesus Christ, man!

You're making that much money selling half-sized cigarettes?

Fuck!

Well, it'll keep her distracted while we're racin' next week.

Yeah, thanks for fillin' in for the old man, bud.

Fuck, man, of course.

Sorry again for making your dad jack himself off

and say he was gonna blow loads all over your tits.

I didn't know it was actually him inside.

Ah, it's cool, man. I should've told you.

Yeah, you should have.

Oh, my fuck!

Is that Smith gettin' loaded into an ambulance?!

- Nope, that's Conforti. -

I told you that was too much, you stupid fuck splint!

I can fly! I can fuckin' fly!

You can't fuckin' fly!

Call me later when you come down. It's gonna be fuckin' crazy tonight, man.

What's up, you pussy-whipped shitblasters? Ah!

Jesus Christ, Smith, what the fuck happened?!

Party got a little out of hand, nothin' major, baby.

Did you forget about this morning there, moose clit?

I'm fuckin' 100 percent, boys, ready to fuckin' rock.

Thought you said you weren't gonna have a crazy night.

It wasn't that crazy of a fuckin' night, man.

Mike! Mike! We can't get the whiskey bottle out of Patrick's ass

- and he's freakin' out! - It's right up in his ass!

It's really fuckin' up there. We should really call an ambulance.

No, we're not calling any more fuckin' ambulances!

Jesus Christ! Pat drove the fucking thing up there, he can get it out himself!

I'm sorry.

No more ambulances, my little tits-out cuckoo bird.

- Ah, right on, Robbie boy! - Fuck off, Smith.

Half the length, twice the flavor, just like your cock.

Would you get in the fuckin' van?

We're late! Come on!

You've got serious, serious fuckin' problems.

- Keep this party goin'! -

Boys, I fucked every one of them.

What are you up to now, Smith, 30 nights in a row?

No fuckin' idea, bud.

So Pat's driving liquor bottles up his ass again, is he?

Yeah, except he's upgraded to 40-ouncers now.

Man, you can't be crashin' at Pat's house forever.

One of you guys is gonna fuckin' die.

I don't have the money to afford a fuckin' place, fuck-tits.

Liquor's expensive, man.

Thought you were gonna chill out for a bit?

I have!

Fuck, I was celebratin', ya locked up goddamn nerds.

- You should try it sometime. - No, you should try taking

"going to fuckin' meet the network to find out what our fate is" serious sometime.

There's no guarantee they're gonna green-light this shit, you drunk fuck!

Are you fuckin' kidding me? We're fuckin' icons, boys.

We did all their notes. We kissed their fuckin' asses!

- You're fucked. - You better try to sober up,

get your fuckin' head in the game for this meeting!

Okay, just so we're fuckin' clear here, I know what's on the line, boys.

I'm fuckin' taking this very seriously.

All right, man.

Hi, there, my name's David.

I don't wear pants, and I was thinkin' since my cock's already out,

maybe you'd like to take and little suck off?

Jesus Christ, Smith!

Your fuckin' breath smells like drunk Shamu

just dumped a big whale load in your mouth, man, fuck!

Come on, it's just a little tiny penis.

Why don't you finger my little tight hole.

Get your fuckin' hands off me, Smith!

- Finger my little hole! -

Smith, would you smarten the fuck up and get serious here?

Expensive statue! Guys, marble.

- Great to see you guys! - How you doin'?

Great to see you too. How was the flight?

It was wonderful! Yeah, first-class, easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy.

Good, Stephan.

That's great, thank you.

So, guys, this is quite a selection you've got here for us today.

"Trans-Am Handyman,"

and "Cooking 'n Working Out with Mama Kunt."

- Wow. -

We've got full seasons mapped out for both of 'em.

We can start shooting whenever you guys want.

Straight up, guys,

we can't do a show on our network

with the word "cunt" in the title.

Sorry.

No, it's cunt... It's cunt with a "K."

It's still the word cunt though, Mike, isn't it?

It could be a funny concept.

What if we called her, uh... "Mama Krazy"?

Or how about "Mama Kooky"?