Horse Feathers

And so,

in retiring as president of this college,

it is indeed a painful task to bid you all good-bye.

And now, with the utmost pleasure,

may I present to you the man who is to guide

the destinies of this great institution.

Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff.

Professor, it is indeed an honor to welcome you to Huxley College.

Never mind that. Hold this coat.

By the way, Professor,

there is no smoking.

That's what you say.

It would please the faculty if you would throw your cigar away.

The faculty members might just as well keep their seats.

There'll be no diving for this cigar.

Members of the faculty, faculty members,

students of Huxley and Huxley students.

I guess that covers everything.

I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech.

And that reminds me of a story that's so dirty,

I'm ashamed to think of it myself.

As I look out over your eager faces,

I can readily understand why this college is flat on its back.

The last college I presided over,

things were slightly different.

I was flat on my back.

Things kept going from bad to worse,

but we all put our shoulders to the wheel,

and it wasn't long before I was flat on my back again.

Any questions? Any answers?

Any rags? Any bones?

Any bottles today Any rags...

Let's have some action around here.

Who'll say 76? Who'll say 1776?

That's the spirit, 1776.

No doubt you would like to know why I'm here.

I came into this college to get my son out of it.

I remember the day he left to come here,

a mere boy and a beardless youth.

I kissed them both good-bye.

By the way, where is my son?

Young lady,

would you mind getting up so I can see the son rise?

So, doing your homework in school, eh?

Hello, old-timer.

My dear Professor,

I'm sure the students would appreciate

a brief outline of your plans for the future.

What? I said the students would appreciate

a brief outline of your plans for the future.

You just said that.

That's the trouble around here.

Talk, talk, talk.

Oh, sometimes I think I must go mad.

Where will it all end? What is it getting you?

Why don't you go home to your wife?

I'll tell you what, I'll go home to your wife.

And outside of the improvements,

she'll never know the difference.

Pull over to the side of the road there

and let me see your marriage license.

President Wagstaff,

now that you have stepped into my shoes...

Oh, is that what I stepped in?

I wondered what it was.

If these are your shoes, the least you could do is have them cleaned.

The trustees have a few suggestions they would like to submit to you.

I think you know what the trustees can do with their suggestions.

I don't know what they have to say

It makes no difference anyway

Whatever it is I'm against it

No matter what it is or who commenced it

I'm against it

Your proposition may be good

But let's have one thing understood

Whatever it is

I'm against it

And even when you've changed it or condensed it

I'm against it

I'm opposed to it

On general principles I'm opposed to it

He's opposed to it

In fact, it seems that he's opposed to it

For months before my son was born

I used to yell from night till morn

Whatever it is I'm against it

And I've kept yelling since I first commenced it

I'm against it

Knowing Dad as I do

I'd not advise you to displease him

Or tease him No, no

Don't double-cross him

Or toss him around

When dear old Dad

Once gets mad

He's a hound

My son is right I'm quick to fight

I'm from a fighting clan

When I'm abused or badly used

I always get my man

No matter if he's in Peru Paducah or Japan

I go ahead, alive or dead I always get my man

Oh, what a whiz this fellow is

A will like his is rare For he's a square American

I soon dispose of all of those who put me on the pan

Like Shakespeare said to Nathan Hale, I always get my man

He always gets his man

That's what I said

He always gets his man

That's what I mean

He always gets his man

You're telling me

He always gets his man

Oh, are you listening

He gets his man

He gets his man

I always get I always get

I always get I always get

I always get I always get

I always get

My man!

Splendid, Professor.

Congratulations, Professor.

Wonderful, Professor. Marvelous, Professor.

Alright, scram, boys. I'll meet you in the barbershop.

Dad, let me congratulate you. I'm proud to be your son.

My boy, you took the words right out of my mouth.

I'm ashamed to be your father.

You're a disgrace to our family name of Wagstaff, if such a thing is possible.

What's all this talk I hear about you fooling around with a college widow?

No wonder you can't get out of college.

Twelve years in one college.

I went to three colleges in 12 years and fooled around with three college widows.

When I was your age, I went to bed right after supper.

Sometimes I went to bed before supper.

Sometimes I went without my supper and didn't go to bed at all.

A college widow stood for something in those days.

In fact, she stood for plenty.

There's nothing wrong between me and the college widow.

There isn't, huh? Then you're crazy to fool around with her.

Oh, but you don't know... I don't wanna talk to you about this again, you snob.

I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.

You may go now.

Leave your name and address with the girl outside.

If anything turns up, we'll get in touch with you.

Where you going? You just told me to go.

So that's what they taught you in college.

Just when I tell you to go, you leave me.

You can't leave a schoolroom without raising your hand, no matter where you're going.

Dad, this college has had a new president every year since 1888.

Yeah. And that's the year we won our last football game.

Now, I like education as well as the next fellow...

Well, move over and I'll talk to the next fellow.

But a college needs something else besides education.

What this college needs is a good football team.

And you can't have a good football team

unless you have good football players.

My boy, I think you've got something there,

and I'll wait outside until you clean it up.

I know it's dangerous, but I'm gonna ask you one more question.

Where do you get good football players?

Well, in the speakeasy down... In a speakeasy?

Isn't that against the law? Selling football players in a speakeasy?

Dad, two of the greatest football players in the country

hang out in the speakeasy downtown.

Are you suggesting that I, the president of Huxley College,

go into a speakeasy without even giving me the address?

It's at 42 Elm Street, but you can't go there. It's unethical.

It isn't right for a college to buy football players.

It isn't, eh? Well, I'll nip that in the bud.

How about coming along and having a nip yourself?

Or better still, you wait here.

Anything further, Father? "Anything further, Father?"

That can't be right. Isn't it, "Anything, Father, further?"

The idea.

I married your mother because I wanted children.

Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.

And I've kept yelling since I first commenced it

I'm against it

Well, that's my proposition, boys. How about it?

Well, it's okay with us, Mr. Jennings,

but how are you gonna fix it?

Don't worry about that. It's fixed already.

You boys will be entered as regular Darwin students

and play in the Thanksgiving Day game against Huxley.

Yeah, but how about the dough?

Well, here's a little chicken feed to start with.

You'll get the balance right after the game.

With you boys playing for Darwin, Huxley can't win.

You said it.

Well, here's to dear old Darwin.

All right, boys. Let's go.

Bye, Ed. So long.

Baravelli!

Baravelli! Hey, Baravelli!

Hello.

Yes, lady, this is Baravelli the iceman speaking. What do you want?

Ah, one quart of Scotch,

one quart of rye.

Wait a minute. Hold on. I see if I got 'em.