Zoolander 2

Sting!

Sting, open up! It's Bieber!

Sting! Come on! Sting!

It's Bieber, bro! Open the door!

Oh, fudge!

You can't kill us all.

We will protect the Chosen One.

Uh-huh.

Peace out, world.

Peace out.

Valentina, he was pronounced dead 13 minutes ago.

I can't believe it.

Justin Bieber?

No.

The sixth pop star to die in the last year.

And all with that look.

As if they were trying to tell us something.

That look.

There's only one person on Earth

who would know how to interpret this look.

It's a dead end, Valentina.

No one has seen that man in years.

Then God help us all.

Shocking. Stupefying.

Something out of a Hollywood disaster movie.

Just a few of the ways New Yorkers described

what happened today as Derek Zoolander's.

Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good

and Who Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good, Too

literally collapsed into the East River

only two days after its official opening.

Students and teachers were evacuated.

And while Zoolander and his son, Derek Jr., were unharmed,

sadly, his wife, Matilda Jeffries-Zoolander,

has reportedly died.

I just feel lucky no one from my family was hurt!

She was crushed by the book?

A vigil is being held tonight

for the other chisel-cheeked lion of the modeling kingdom,

Hansel, who is reported to have sustained

permanent injury to his breathtaking face

after being trapped beneath a burning beam.

Although authorities are still investigating,

the cause of the disaster is believed to be.

Zoolander's mind-boggling decision

to build the reading center

out of the actual materials that were used to construct

the original architectural model.

Clothing designer Jacob Moogberg,

AKA Jacobim Mugatu

was sentenced today to two consecutive life terms

in a maximum security fashion prison

for his role in the attempted assassination

of the Malaysian Prime Minister.

His co-conspirator, modeling agent

Maury Ballstein, turned state's witness...

I'll give you anything you want on that fakakta fink.

In exchange for relocation in the Witness Protection Program.

Back in the news tonight, former model, negligent builder,

now unfit parent, Derek Zoolander.

This footage was taken by a neighbor

across from Zoolander's SoHo loft.

D.J., how did Mommy make it soft?

The Child Protection Agency

removed Zoolander's son, Derek Jr.

Late last night in a daring midnight raid

placing him in the custody of the state.

Which is why it pains me to say

that effective immediately, I will retire from modeling

and live alone as a hermit crab.

I will now be anonymous and known only as...

Eric...

Toolander.

And finally tonight,

here's something to make you feel old.

Incredible as it may sound,

of the over 3.7 million high school graduates this year

less than 2% could tell you what a fax machine is,

name a Caucasian President,

or know who Derek Zoolander was.

Was... Was... Was...

Go away.

Derek! Open up, it's me.

I'm sorry, traveler, you must have lost your way.

No one lives here by that name.

Right. Sorry. I mean, Eric.

I've got your mail.

Billy Zane. It's been years.

Where's my regular mail person, Ingvar?

He couldn't make it.

I was in the neighborhood, I thought I'd stop by.

Got your Netflix.

Whoa, Jack Ryan...

and Jack Reacher.

Tonight's gonna be a total Jack-off.

You have something else here.

What is it?

Open it.

Gryootings, Derek Zoolownder.

Are you a Boxtroll?

That's Alexanya Atoz,

owner of the largest fashion empire in the world.

Because you are one of the world's true fishion icons,

I have personal selected you to come to Rome...

The Eturnanal Cyootee...

To muddel my nyouest colleeauction

by my hoottest now designer...

Doon Atari.

Who?

Don Atari.

He's "it" in fashion right now.

People would die to be in his show.

I can't.

I'm a hermit crab now.

Gryootings, Derek Zoolownder.

I already told you!

It's like you're not even listening to me!

Derek, uh...

Eric.

Maybe it's time to engage with the world again.

Think about it, man. This could be a sign.

And what if it's a stop sign, Billy?

I used to be a successful model/fashion icon.

Now, I'm just a model/failure.

Slash-guy who is still a model/father.

Slash-guy who killed his wife

using cheap building materials that collapsed on her.

Slash-guy who has got to stop beating himself up about that!

Slash-guy who couldn't make spaghetti soft

so they took away his son,

so-slash-now he's alone and hiding from the world.

Slash.

Slash-have you ever even tried to get your son back?

You can do that?

Yeah. You'd hire a litigator,

he files the appropriate paperwork...

But I don't even know where he is.

First things first.

If you take this job that Alexanya's offering you,

you could prove to Child Services

that you're a productive member of society again.

Go to Rome.

Find yourself.

Become the father you were meant to be

and get your boy back.

Safe journey, my friend!

Thanks, Billy!

What have you got?

Ball and chain not happy.

Sorry I'm late!

Oh, my gosh.

I was finishing up Shavasana

and this sandstorm kicked up out of nowhere.

I'm okay, though.

Ah, Natalka, you look beautiful.

Really?

Yes, really.

Dinner is ruined!

Guys, I told you not to wait for me, didn't I?

Remember, we talked about this.

Can't we just take it slow?

When I met you guys two years ago,

it was the best orgy of my life.

Let's get back to that feeling.

It's there.

Hansel.

Every relationship has to evolve.

And somehow, you've managed to stay the same.

But you're gonna have to change, my man.

'Cause change, she is a-comin'.

What?

Natalka.

All of you?

How is this even possible?

We thought you'd be happy.

Well, I am happy.

That, uh...

It's just a lot to process, and that's what I'm doing.

To be honest,

I've never seen myself in this role, you know, as a...

You mean a father?

Well... Uh... I...

Let me... I want to check on...

On the camel here!

Who am I?

Who am I?

Hey, Hansel!

Billy Zane?

Got your Netflix.

And this.

- Thanks very much. - No, it's my bag.

Excuse me, I think that's...

No, trust me, this is my bag.

- Just look at the ticket right here. - Hansel.

Never heard of him, honcho.

Look right here at the ticket and you can see that...

Derek Zoolander.

Hi. It's been a long time.

Yeah. Not long enough.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I should peace.