The Franchise

(OVER MICROPHONE) Stand by.

All right, background, listen up.

Fish People, find an eye line to the second moon.

Moss Men, camera right of the temple ruins. Thank you.

I'm sorry, I wasn't really listening.

So I'm... I'm having a bit of difficulty...

Fish head, man legs, second moon.

Thank you. All right.

Daniel. Dag, the new third.

Oh, hey. Nice to meet you. Where are we on lighting?

Also, talk to catering.

- No soup for the Fish People. - (OBJECT THUDS)

Yeah, I don't want... Quiet on set!

...fluids on their scales.

- Adam, mate. How's your morning? - Try this.

Turkey meat, Muscle Milk,

it's like Thanksgiving dinner on steroids.

Wow, turkey on steroids. Gobble, gobble.

Mum. No, sorry, bye.

- Do me a favor. Go and smell Gary. - Smell him?

- Gary, the boom guy. - (OBJECT THUDS)

I need to know if he's... Quiet on set!

...drunk or high or both.

Dan, we have a Fish Person in a panic spiral.

I'm sorry, I think I'm having a panic attack.

- I think it must be the latex. - (WALKIE-TALKIE BEEPS)

Boz, how long 'til we wrap the Fish People?

About an hour and a half. - Twenty minutes.

Can you give me twenty minutes, mate? Yeah, try this.

It's kiwi and passionfruit. All right.

So, I smelled Gary. I think weed.

Okay, great. High is good. He can operate when he's high.

Can you interrupt me in six seconds?

Peter, good sir.

Oh, Dan, I've got a joke for you.

- Probably not okay but fuck it. - Great, hit me.

So, a transsexual goes into a swamp...

- Daniel, bit of an emergency. - Hold that punchline.

Emergency, nurse! Good work. Where are we on lighting?

Also, do not let Peter finish that joke.

Holy fucking shit, the studio's on fire!

We're back, everyone. - (TRUCK BEEPING)

Please ignore the burning houses.

Daniel, I think Eric's concerned.

He's very white, even for a German.

- I'm concerned. That's concerning.

Daniel, I'm concerned.

My big waterfall scene, 16 set-ups.

- I don't think we'll get it. Eric, trust me.

- You have my word. We'll get it! - Good.

Yeah, we're not gonna get it. Absolutely no way.

Today's a fireball and it'll kill us all.

Shane is online. He may have notes.

Shane is online.

Great. Excellent. Keep me looped.

- God, I love my life. - Fish Man incoming.

Outstanding. - I just really want this off me!

Easy, easy. That's four hours in the chair.

Look, I don't know if you know the comics.

I do. It's the last thing my dad read to me.

And, sir, I would switch places with you in a heartbeat.

'Cause you're a Fish Man! Yeah?

- (SIGHS) Yeah. - Thank you.

Fish Man travelling.

Oh my God, was that actually real?

Well, my dad is dead, but he was more into sports.

Where are we on lighting?

Update from Shane. Shane has no notes.

Shane has no notes.

Great, well, thank you for conveying his lack of input.

Lighting is set, lighting is set.

Okay, we are set for rehearsal, everyone.

We are rehearsing.

Rehearsal! - We set on camera?

Set! - Okay, let's bring up the wind.

Bring up the wind! - (FANS BLOWING)

Okay, we're good on atmos.

Go water.

Go water!

So, just another 83 days and then we're done.

Let's savor every moment.

Fish helmet!

And... action!

And finally, we come to the heart of the matter.

Meeting of the elders. Eye. Tecto.

Magic hour, the sun has just set.

All dusky.

Everything's so fucking dark these days, isn't it?

Restaurants. Mad.

And the blue screen, a thunderous waterfall.

Yes, love it, love it. How thunderous?

Can we show Adam the pre-vis?

Yeah, looking up for the pre-vis.

Looking up to the pre-vis, folks!

Yeah, yeah. Holy shit.

Wow, that looks great.

Why am I walking like that, though?

Obviously, the walking is weird,

but the swagger is interesting.

- Mm-hmm. - Swaggering, but anxious.

Okay.

- Like a panther... - Oh.

...on its way to a job interview.

- Wh... what? Well, not that, but that.

Can you take me there?

In a walk.

I'm Tecto, bitch. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, that's last looks, everyone.

- Thank you. - Last looks, folks. Thank you.

Heads up, we don't really say "folks," yeah?

We're not line dancing. Not to be a dick.

Thirty-two percent sleep efficiency.

- Oh. - No wonder he's fussy.

Eric. I bought him a sleep ring.

Just to monitor his well-being.

Would love to get him horizontal.

- Very, very pro-nap. - Why is that there?

Sorry. Pat Shannon's coming.

Cheese and crackers.

Okay, sure.

Not panicking. I'm... Just take five, everyone!

Take five! - I am cold as ice.

Justin, it's me. Pat Shannon's here.

Repeat, repeat, repeat. The Toy Man cometh.

- Do you want me to ask the boy? - Negative.

Do not engage the boy. The boy is not a boy.

Steph, I need you to wrangle Eric back to his trailer.

Oh, I am angling for a wrangling.

Eric! The studio's coming to see you today.

Pat Shannon's personally coming to see you.

- (DOOR CLOSES) - So... (SIGHS)

...the day hath come,

when the suits shall flutter down from the trees.

Thoughts towards a new ending, Steph?

Oh, Eric, gladly.

Why is he here?

He's apparently in town to launch some new inflatables

at the European Toy Convention.

My God, the banality.

The money man. God's Rottweiler.

Some say he can't read. That's sad.

So, while Pat's in town, how do we feel about

a little extra lighting?

Ah!

So you want me to do my little dance for the Toy Man.

And you clap and spank me and we all laugh.

Never. We'd never laugh or spank.

Look, I don't think this, but we already know

the studio thinks the movie's too dark, so...

They know what I am.

I'm a weird, difficult guy.

I look like this hipster chinos man

who goes to Muji to buy a towel, but I'm not.

I'm strange and I'm serious.

I don't know how to think like the kind of guy

who washes his car, eats a chicken drumstick

with his wife, and then has a bath.

If that's what they want,

hire Ron Howard.

Church. And Eric, if the studio tries

to muck about with your vision in any way,

I will cut my heart out with a sushi knife.

- (SIGHS) - Won't we, guys?

Absolutely, one hundred percent.

Sorry, this is literally my first day, so...

Call Justin. I want my producer here to fight my corner.

Justin's cutting short the Morocco scout.

He's coming straight back.

Look, Eric.

A little bit of extra lighting

will buy you the relationship capital, yeah?

So then you can make the movie you want to make,

but behind the movie they think you're making.

All that stuff about the planet, about fracking...

I do want to say something about fracking.

But there can be no more light. There's no light source.

Mm.

Unless...

there's a second sun.

Not sunset...

but sunrise.

Oh, bravo. He's done it again.

That's why you won the Golden Leopard at Locarno.

You know, this is really good stuff, Eric.

- (DOOR CLOSES) - Suck his dick, Greta Gerwig.

Okay, we need to clean house

for the big visit, so smell Gary again.

If he still smells of weed,

speak to wardrobe, have him sprayed.

And make sure nobody shows Pat around P stage.

What's on P stage?

About 60 live Yoshino cherry trees

we had imported from Kyoto

and then... (CLICKS TONGUE) ...cut from the script.

The waste!

You could build a children's hospital.

It's absolutely hilarious.

- Yeah. But what price dreams? - (TIRES SCREECH)

- Instead of sunset... - Mm-hmm.

...sunrise.