Family Guy

So what's the big emergency?

Why did everyone have to come in on a Monday?

I'm afraid we have troubling news.

Due to budget cuts, we'll be laying off one employee.

The Internet pretty much only lets us fire white males,

so if you're not a white male, you're safe.

- So, is Derek Jeter safe? - Safe!

- What? - He's half Black.

- What? What do you need, glasses? - No, I don't need glasses.

- He's white by a mile. - You're the one who needs glasses.

- He tucks his T-shirts into his pants. - A lot of people do that.

- And what happened to this coach-umpire confrontation? - It's body temperature issue.

- I know, I miss it, too. - It used to happen a lot in the '70s

- but doesn't seem to happen that much anymore. - Replay has really taken a lot

- of intimacy out of the game. - Of a bygone era when men settled their differences

- face-to-face... - I agree. That's what we're doing now.

- Thrusting their chests into one another. - I miss having a guy yell

- in my mouth. - And while we're talking about stuff,

- I've never cleaned my ice trays. - Oh, you have to do that.

- Why do I have to? - You're poisoning your family.

- It's just water and water. What's the big deal? - Carrying an ice tray

from the freezer to the sink is like ringing

the damn dinner bell for arm hairs.

Come to think of it, I do remember seeing a few short hairs

in my ice cubes -Of course they're getting in there.

Clean your trays.

Oh, cool off, Griffin. It is no big deal.

It's just that someone's getting fired

- in front of everybody tomorrow. - Well, that sounds fine.

I guess I'll just see you... What!

Old joke. You're out.

- Old joke? I put my own twist on it. - There was no twist.

- Oh, you're crazy. It was a tip of the hat to my son. - I'm crazy? You're lazy.

- If anything, it's a gift to our long-time viewers. - Oh, what a gift.

Merry Christmas. Here's a warmed-over turd from ten years ago.

Okay, I can do this.

No need to be nervous.

Just show 'em that I'm good at my job.

That's it. Easy-peasy.

Hey there, PG. Been a minute.

Hey, Ernie. I mean, I mean Cookie Monst... I mean, Bert.

- Bert. Sorry. - Oh, it's okay, Peter.

Just do what you would normally do.

Pretend I'm not here.

Oh, pretend you're not here? All right.

God, that Bert is an idiot. What a pud.

But I wouldn't mind getting to know that Sheila a little better.

She's got a great dumper.

And by dumper, I mean fecal thoroughfare.

- - Should I...

Yeah, answer it.

Could be important for the company.

Goodbye?

Ah, shoot. Opposite of that, yeah?

Let's roll to the break room, Peter.

We're ready to announce who's getting fired.

Oh, sure, if Sheila and her waste maker are gonna be there.

Please stop talking about my wife's anal processes.

Opie, will you accept this stein?

Bachelor Nick? Why are you here?

They make me come to all these things.

Cool. How's Vanessa?

- We broke up. - Aw.

I would murder my family for one hour with Corinne.

Eh, she was a little young.

You know how stupid you sound?

Peter, take a step forward.

I... I'm sorry. I keep messing up.

You're seeing me at my worst. I'm very nervous.

My life is flashing before my eyes.

And for some reason, it's all just the sort of gay moments.

Excuse me, is someone sitting here?

Yes. My lover, Tom.

Oh, Peter! I'm so happy you're okay.

Whoa, you're alive?

What happened? Did I have a heart attack?

No, you had a panic attack.

Or, in medical terms, "a heart attack for wussies."

Hey, we have a bet going.

Do you remember if you put your wrist to your forehead

like a Nancy-boy when you fainted?

I choose not to answer.

Peter, you need to get your stress under control.

I'm texting you a link to a collection of songs called yacht rock.

Any time I'm feeling stressed,

I play this music, and it really mellows me out.

- I think it'll work for you. - Well, what is that? Is that like...

No, no, it's more like...

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have more music to prescribe to sick patients.

- So, Peter, you feeling better? - Yeah, I guess.

The doctor just said I'm too stressed out.

Did the doctor give you anything to help, you know, mellow you out?

Los drogas?

No, he just gave me this link for something called yacht rock.

This one's called "Summer Breeze,"

and it makes me feel fine.

This music, I...

I feel like I'm dirty dancing with a sunset.

Uh, guys, there's a yacht rock cruise

that leaves from the Quahog Marina tomorrow.

And I'm not even kidding.

You know what, guys? We haven't gone anywhere in a long time.

So, let's do it.

Cleveland, buy those tickets,

'cause the guys are going on a yacht rock cruise.

- Yeah! - Awesome!

Peter? Is that you?

- Do I know you? - It's me. Lyle?

From the other side of the aquarium?

I don't... I don't know you.

I don't know what you're talking about.

But I did know what he was talking about.

I spent the next two and a half years cruising various aquariums.

I never did find Lyle.

Also, I didn't quite clear the table.

I got to say, Peter, I had reservations about this cruise,

but you do seem more relaxed.

Hey, good thing I had reservations on this cruise, huh?

I don't mind dad jokes.

Everyone's included.

Looks like mine won't be the only tail I'll be chasing this week.

- Hey. What the... - All dogs have to be crated below deck.

Stewie, help!

I knew this was a possibility,

so I put a 1982 Mattel Electronic Baseball game in your bag.

Okay, that's something.

The battery might be a little old, though.

- -

Peter, you brought your family?

This was supposed to be a guys' trip.

- Please don't tell Donna. - Please don't tell Bonnie. She hasn't been

- on a vacation in seven years. - She'll kill me if she knew wives were allowed.

- Please, Lois, please. - Please, Lois.

Promise me. Here, look, -Promise me first.

I'm putting money in your purse.

Here's my gun. Do you want it?

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.

I'm sending a selfie to Bonnie and Donna.

Cruise, bitches.

- Don't hit send, please don't hit send. - Please don't hit send.

And... send.

You son of a bitch.

- I told you. - What did he do now?

He don't listen to you.

He don't listen to you.

What is it, Bonnie?

Nothing, Father Monaghan.

- Well, this sucks now. - Our whole trip's ruined,

thanks to you, Peter.

Thank God Bonnie's got Father Monaghan for spiritual counsel.

Well, it's not my fault you guys are too stupid

to understand what the plan was.

- The plan was clear. You're the stupid one. - What?

- What were we fighting about? - I don't know.

My cares have all suddenly melted away.

Are my toes tapping? I feel like my toes are tapping.

Nah, there's a seagull pecking at your foot.

Whenever I wear my Tevas, my toes are up for grabs.

Hey, Cleveland, this is us.

You guys got to stop by later.

Snuck on a little of this action.

What? You guys are sharing a room?

You're adults.

I'm not paying full price for a room.

Have some self-respect. You're 40.

It's not like we're gonna be in there much.

Too busy scoping trim.

I may bail to the room to catch a nap.

Right behind you, roomie.

After we wake, we gonna fire up that Keurig.

Oh, yeah, that's why I brought along a couple of these babies.

Wait, there's only one bed.

I know. We're going head to toe.

Say hello to your pillow.

Hi there. Do you know if singer and songwriter

Bob Welch is on board yet?

He's not, because he died in 2012.

Can you give me a moment?

I can't believe Bob Welch is really gone.

Hey... we just heard about Bob Welch.