Reaper

Alan Townsend's flight landed in Rome 2 hours ago.

Taking into account time stuck in immigration

And adding an hour for the cab ride

He should be safely within the walls of Vatican City...

Right... about... now.

He'll call, Sam.

I wouldn't sweat it, man.

I have to get ready for work.

Watch my phone.

Aye, aye.

He's so bossy.

Oh, I love it. I knew you'd rock a turtleneck.

What are you doing?

Upscaling your look.

Oh, no. No. I'm fine with my look.

Oh, Sammy, I know you want to resist it.

But I really expect you to rise to the heights

Of political power here on earth.

Seize control of the planet and hasten the apocalypse.

What you wear reflects directly on me as a parent.

And as a stylist.

Try these slacks.

I'll go dig up a pair of Beatle boots. Huh?!

Oh, I have more good news.

I'm granting you a little break from catching souls.

You are?

Yes, I'm sending you to a tutor-

Someone who'll give you a higher education in the ways of the wicked.

She's expecting you today.

What's with the circles?

You like it? It represents the 9 circles of hell.

I contracted an advertising firm to help me spin a few brAnding ideas.

I think it's nifty.

Hey, I have another surprise for you. A gift.

Something to put a little testosterone in your tank.

Ha ha!

You got me a motorcycle?

Go on, hop on! I want to see those thighs vibrating with pure aggression!

All right, what's the catch?

Catch? There's no catch.

My generosity, in this instance,

is more a softening the blow.

I got him.

Got who?

Alan Townsend! He never made it to Vatican City!

I had his plane grounded in Vegas,

And he went into a sin spiral so decadent

That he was back in hell before carrot top took the stage!

Boo-Yah!

Come on, I stabbed you in the back fair and square, man.

It's impolite to leave me hanging.

I hate you!

Hey, don't walk away mad, son!

I'm not done showering you with spectacular gifts!

Perhaps now is not the time.

Reaper S02E09 "No Reaper Left Behind"

Final Edits by: thesurferguy

Hey. What are you doing here?

Sock and Ben asked me to come over and watch over your phone.

Where'd they go?

They said they had to go exercise.

You know what? The call's not coming. The devil got Alan.

Oh no. God, Sam, I'm so sorry.

No, don't feel sorry for me. Feel sorry for the devil.

Because I have had it up to here with that son-of-a-bitch.

He is in my sights!

What does that mean?

And why are you dressed like a 70s porn star?

It means I'm done playing nice.

I'm taking him on!

How are you going to take him on, Sam?

I mean, he's the devil. He's packing a lot of evil.

Yeah, well he's also wearing blinders.

He's convinced that I'm a pushover.

That I'm afraid to fight fire with fire. Well, I'm not.

And I will.

This is only motivation.

Nina?! What are you doing up there?

Listen. I broke up with you, ok? We're over.

Now I had hoped that you would respect my decision-

Damn it, Nina!

That is a 62-Piece handy dad socket set.

It's coming out of my paycheck!

Ok. Nina, acting out like this isn't healthy! All right?

I mean, have you ever considered directing your rage

into an anger journal or graffiti art?

Ok. Look. Let's not lose sight of what we shared.

You know, the tenderness. The pillow talk.

Our lazy afternoons watching Ellen.

Dancing along, and...

Unh!

Oww.

Yes?

Yeah, hi. I'm Sam Oliver. I have an appointment.

I'm not taking appointments today.

I was told to come here for tutoring. The devil sent me.

That bastard. He knows I'm on a cleanse.

Let yourself in. I'll meet you in the study.

It's the room with the chalkboard.

Let's get the formalities out of the way, shall we?

My name is Sally, but I'd like you to call me teacher.

My name is Sam.

I don't remember asking.

Now, am I to assume you are the devil's offspring?

So I'm told.

And am I to assume you are in training to bring about the end of days?

Right. Well, I'd like to ask you a few questions.

Let me get a better understanding of what you already know

regarding hell and damnation and where I need to fill in the gaps.

Right.

Do you read Latin?

No.

Have you ever read the bible-- either testament?

No.

Have you ever heard of the anti Christ?

Yes! Wait. No.

I was thinking the other guy. Sorry.

And on a scale of zero to 10,

where would you rank your blood lust?

I'd have to say a solid 2.

I can't help you.

What?

Why must the devil insist on wasting my time?

It's very apparent that you need preschooling.

You know what? I don't want to be here anyway.

You don't?

No! I don't any of this.

I don't want to learn about the devil's business!

Wait! You know what?

There is one thing you can help me with.

How do I destroy him?

You want to destroy the devil? Your father?

Yeah. You're an expert on hell and the devil.

How do I kill him? How do I blow him up?

Chop him up? Acid dip him? Whatever. I'll do it!

You're a liar.

What?

Well, you said your blood lust was at a 2.

I'd say you're running at at least a 7.

So you're here all by yourself?

Yes. My mansion.

12,000 square feet of gilded cage.

But the devil pays the rent. So who am I to complain? Right?

Must get a little lonely.

Yes, it does.

Undoubtedly that was the devil's intention.

Can I ask you a favor?

Maybe.

Can I come back tomorrow?

The devil's expecting me to show up.

If I could come and hang out, he'd be out of my hair for a couple hours.

And you'd be doing me a huge favor.

Why not? I certainly could use the company.

Great!

'Til tomorrow.

'Til tomorrow.

I tell you it was horrible.

Nina's eyes actually roll in the back in her head when she attacks-- Like a shark.

I'm thinking about buying a gun.

- What?! - For protection.

Aw. Ben-- Look, Ben's having crazy ex problems right now.

I've seen my share of nutty bitches.

Yeah... Ben, buying a gun is a mistake, all right?

Why?

Why? 'Cause Nina's picking a fight, right?

And she wants you to fight back. Don't play the game.

You think she's playing a game?

Of course she's playing a game.

They all play games, man.

Look, your relationship went cold, all right?

She's trying to relight the fire.

Only second time around that fire isn't fueled by love or lust.

It's fueled by anger and petty revenge,

which rarely leads to satisfying hate-sex, all right?

Maybe you're right.

Oh, I know I'm right, alright.

Listen. Next time Nina comes stalking around, you ignore her.

Turn around. She'll lose interest. I promise.

$400.

Hey. Uh...

I need afternoons off for the next week.

Devil business.

I'll see what I can do.

Thanks.

Um...

What?

There's something I need to tell you.

Something... potentially upsetting.

Ok.

I met a girl.

Oh.

Yeah. She works for the devil.

Kind of a professor, an expert on hell. Very knowledgeable.

Plus I think she's into me.

Ok...

I just wanted to be upfront.

Just wanted to make sure you were cool with what I have to do.

I'm planning to seduce this woman.

So that I can get the devil's secrets out of her.

Secrets that I think will help me beat the devil once and for all.