False Hopes

Since I can remember,

I've always been a bit of a romantic.

I'm not exactly sure when it started for me

but it was pretty telling that as a child,

my imaginary friend was a wife.

Now that I say that out loud, I realize how weird that is.

Anyway, then I met Emily.

My dreams took on form and love became a reality.

From that moment on, I knew she was going to be my wife.

Fight, fight, fight!

But then a pubescent tyrant

by the name of Ricky Moore tried to steal her from me.

I had no choice but to protect my soulmate.

So here I was, surrounded by an angry mob

of abnormally bloodthirsty juveniles and what does she do?

She drops my heart on the ground like it's a piece of trash.

Now can we go to your house and play Nintendo?

My best friend Lawrence has always

been there to get me up off the ground and you know,

even though Emily broke my heart,

she helped me realize my perfect girl

was going to be loyal and so began the list.

I'd been able to learn so much over

the years about who my perfect girl will be.

There was Hailey, who had a really big heart

but there just wasn't any room for dogs.

She taught me that my perfect girl will like dogs.

And then Nicole, I mean she could talk about anything.

We had some of the deepest conversations

but she didn't actually want to do anything.

Boom, my perfect girl will be adventurous.

Which brings me to Katy.

We would do something new every weekend

with Lawrence and his girlfriend Christine,

who happened to be Katy's best friend.

She was loyal and she liked dogs

and she was great to talk to, but then this happened.

Just when you think you've hit a home run, you strike out.

Sorry, Katy.

My perfect girl will like baseball.

And look, I get it, it might seem like I'm being way

too picky and I'm never going to find the perfect girl,

but I refuse to lose hope.

I believe she's out there somewhere

and I'm not giving up until I find her.

Hi, how can I help you?

I need a photographer

and I was told you're the best in the city.

That's if your name is Thomas McKenzie.

It's my lucky day, I am Thomas McKenzie.

- What's your name? - Hope Sanchez.

Nice to meet you, Hope.

- You took all of these? - I did.

Yeah, I figured it'd be a little awkward

if I had someone else's work on display.

Oh, look how cute, that face, is he yours?

Yeah, yeah, that's Boomer.

We grew up together, best dog that ever lived, hands down.

It was actually that photo that

inspired me to become a photographer.

Really?

It captured his personality so well.

- So are you a dog person, Hope? - I am.

Growing up, we always had a dog running around.

- They just make life better. - They do, right?

- They really do. - Yeah.

So, what's your dog's name?

I actually don't have a dog, we just moved in,

unpacking boxes but I specifically

rented a place that allows for pets.

So does your roommate like dogs?

Yes, my daughter takes after me.

We are softies when it comes to big,

sad puppy dog eyes staring at us.

It just makes my heart melt.

I completely understand.

You took these?

- Yeah. - Where was that?

These were actually a trip I took to Kenya.

We were there helping to build an orphanage.

You have really good eyes.

I mean you have a really good eye,

you're a photographer and you're great.

Did you take that one too?

No, that's Mike Trout's famous catch.

Oh, I was recently told that it

was weird to display another person's photography.

Okay,

touche, I admit I did not take the photo,

but I was at the game.

I'm sorry, I'm not a baseball fan.

No?

Not even a little bit?

No, there's too much spitting and scratching.

Yeah.

So, you need a photographer.

All right, well it was a pleasure meeting you.

- I'll see you at the shoot. - Yeah.

What?

T-man, who was that fine looking woman?

Tell me you got her number.

Yep, and her email address.

She scheduled us for a shoot.

No ring on her finger, five foot perfect.

What's your next move, Romeo?

What, nothing?

You've gotta be kidding me.

How can you not be the least bit interested in that?

Number 23, she doesn't like baseball.

There are like 40 other things on your list, man.

Besides, who likes baseball anyway?

Who is this?

I painted her.

T-man, keeping a list of qualities you want

in a woman, even sketching in your journal,

that's one thing but a life-size portrait

of an imaginary woman, that's just weird.

She's not life-size.

I think you missed my point.

It's a creative outlet, Lawrence.

T-man, it's time you went on a date or something.

I date.

I mean with a real woman, not Betty.

- Betty? - She needed a name.

It's not Betty.

T-man, your mom has set up more dates

for you in the past year than you have.

Oh yeah, those are the best moments of my life.

Oh come on, what about Sherry?

- Miss alcoholic? - What about Amy?

She asked me if Alaska was tropical.

What about Rebecca?

Now she was fine.

She brought a rabbit to the date.

A rabbit, a live rabbit.

She was still fine.

I gotta go make these deliveries.

Are we gettin' paid this week?

Are you doing any work this week?

I'm serious man, are we gettin' paid?

Yeah, I'm serious too.

Yeah, yeah, okay girlfriend, we will see you in a bit.

It's like God's perfect timing.

How you feeling, how you feeling?

Oh, I'm so happy, I'm so happy.

You're here.

Were you two just doing the happy dance?

No.

Mother, why were you doing the happy dance?

Honey, would you do me a favor

and just bring that out to your dad?

Thank you, oh here, don't forget his banana.

Hey Mr. Mac, you're looking a little gray there.

Hey, what size Depends do you wear?

Mr. Mac, how long does it take you

to shave your nose hair in the morning and the afternoon?

Are you not responding 'cause you can't hear me?

Hey dad, mom sent you a banana.

Oh, need your potassium, Mr. Mac?

(ANXIOUS WESTERN STYLE GUITAR TONES)

Now how about that man bun?

Anybody else thirsty?

I'm gonna go get a drink, Mrs. Mac?

Something's wrong with that kid.

Who is that?

Father,

who is that?

That's Grace, she's the daughter of Bev's friend.

The one your mother invited to dinner tonight.

You gotta be kidding me.

Hey Thomas, I'm so glad you're here.

I've got a surprise for you.

Et tu, Brute?

I don't know what that means.

Thomas wait, wait up, don't go, Thomas, hold on.

- You, I can't. - Thomas, honey.

No, no, no, no, no, mother...

- No, don't go. - I love you

but you need a new hobby.

Matchmaking is not one of the spiritual gifts.

- Thomas, hold on. - No, I knew,

I knew when you were doing the happy dance.

- I'm not staying. - One sec.

Hi, I am so sorry,

my phone died, no GPS in the car.

- Hope? - Thomas?

- What are you doing here? - Mommy.

Hey.

- Come on in. - Thank you.

Well, you outdid yourself, honey.

Can you help me clear it?

Oh no, no, no, no, girlfriend, you are the guest.

- No, we got this. - Sweetheart.

Gracie, let's go draw pictures.

It's happening right in front of our eyes.

Have fun.

Honey.

Gotta go.