English Teacher

- Oh, hello. - Oh, you're so late.

You're so beautiful.

- You're beautiful. - Call me after class.

Morning.

Let's have a seat, huh?

Jessica, tell your mom she can't send me emails like that, okay?

It's inappropriate.

Oh, this is fun. What up to you guys as well.

Oh, right... No, wait... All right.

Everyone did the reading?

The kids this year, I feel like they're less woke. Did you notice that?

They're not into being woke anymore.

- It circled back around. - It circled all the way around.

Now they're for what they say they're against.

Right. And they're saying the R-word again.

You had that kid... What was he saying about the Spanish Inquisition?

I had to teach both sides of the Spanish Inquisition.

- It's so insane. - He got upset, started crying.

- It was a whole thing. - I have kids that are showing me

AI porn of Oscar Wilde having sex with women.

He was gay.

Six years at this school. Today, no Dinty Moore.

- Dinty Moore stew? - What is Dinty Moore?

I can't believe they even still make that stuff.

Whenever I see it, I think it's a can of dog food.

Guess I'm dieting today, which is good, by the way,

'cause all these little fuckers roaming around

- filming everything we do... - I know.

...and sending it off to communist China.

What are you talking about?

Let me ask you. Why is the number one app in the world...

- No politics. - ...run by America's only enemy?

- Didn't we say no politics? - I did say that.

Didn't we make a policy: no politics?

People say they vote with their dollar. A lot of people do.

I vote with my dollar. I also vote with my vote, okay?

And I never choose who I'm gonna vote for till after the debates.

- That is not true. - It's 100% true.

- It is not true that you wait... - Believe it, buddy, all right?

It's called nobility of spirit. You got it too. Deep inside.

You just need a hot boyfriend to spank it out of you every morning.

Do not bring lunch from home.

- It's not worth it this year. - Wait, what?

I can't be carrying this much shit!

- What do you mean "this year"? - They upgraded the lunch.

- Look. Markie's got pecan pie. - Who upgraded the lunch?

Dude, you guys gotta respond to my stock guy.

He's got new opportunities. I don't want you guys to miss out.

Rick, I would politely ask you to stop sending us those emails

because those actually are spam, and that guy, I think, is scamming you.

This guy is legit. I met him at a TED talk.

- You went to a TED talk? - Yeah.

Or was it TEDx?

It's different? What's different?

This is why I get my paycheck in cash. It goes right in the safe.

That's insane. Are you stupid? You're losing .8% each year.

You pay taxes on that?

Taxation is theft.

Right. Who is that?

That's the new physics teacher.

- He's filling in for Jennifer... - He's cool.

...for the first semester, or the year, if she does well on The Amazing Race.

I can't believe she got on that show with a hernia.

No, I think it was a atopic baby.

- That's not the word. - Evan.

Evan, can I talk to you in my office?

- Now? - Yes. Come, come.

No vaping. I can smell it.

No, you can't.

Here it is...

Oh. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah.

- You're being investigated. - I'm being investigated?

- For what? - A mom named Linda Harrison...

- Linda Harrison? - I know that name.

...alleges that you kissed your boyfriend

- in front of her son... - Oh, my God.

...and a whole class of other high schoolers at the end of last school year.

You talked to me about that when it happened. That was nothing.

I know. But now she's made a formal complaint, and I have to read this.

Wait, her kid... That kid graduated.

He's in college now. Why is she doing this now?

I don't know. Why does anybody do anything?

Wait a minute. Linda Harrison. I remember that name.

That's the mom that complained about the assigned reading.

- Lewd content, yeah. - Lewd content, right?

And do you remember what the book was that she said was lewd?

The Great Gatsby.

The Great Gatsby.

Do you know how long that's been on the curriculum?

- Oh, my God. - This doesn't make sense.

This is political. She's doing a political move.

Yeah, politics are real.

Why doesn't Markie ever get investigated for all that shit he says?

- Who? - Markie.

Markie, the gym teacher. Markie.

Mark... He can't be investigated.

He has a protected victim status...

- How do I get that? - ...because he was injured

in a car accident in his first week of training in the ROTC,

and he's 1/32nd Native American, and he has paper proof of that.

- This is insane. - I mean, you kissed her...

You kissed your boyfriend in front of her son.

- This is serious now. - I literally was just, like...

Just like barely... Just like...

I don't even know if our lips touched.

Do you understand? This is homophobia.

- This is what homophobia's like. - I don't care what it is.

- It's insidious. - I'm agoraphobic.

So what do I do? I just wait for my fate to be decided?

I don't know. You can do anything. You...

If you hand in your resignation letter,

you could work in a restaurant or something,

or, you know, do a short film with your friends.

Join Amway. Amway is very good.

You want me to quit this job?

No, I don't want you to quit. I don't want you to quit.

She wants you to quit.

Look, what I want you to do is write a statement

in defense of your position, okay?

- I'll submit it on your behalf. - In defense?

- That's what I can do. - I'm not writing a statement.

- This whole thing is bullshit. - It's not bullshit.

You're lucky they're not suspending you.

Grant, let me ask you something.

- Her kid... Remember that kid? - Yeah.

Is he gay now?

He's in college and he's gay now, right?

I always felt like that kid was gay.

Just... Evan, just stop.

- Stop. Just stop. - I'm right? I'm right.

She thinks I turned her kid gay.

- Will you stop that? - This is insane!

Evan, just please take the rest of the day off!

I mean, I guess I have said this before.

Not to, like, whatever, but I did quit for a reason.

I know you quit for a reason.

I'm, like... I really am thriving right now.

They're, like, giving away tech jobs in Austin.

I've worked at the job for, what, two months now.

I've used my dental insurance four times. Four times.

I'm getting braces for, like, no reason.

I'm not gonna quit teaching. I can't just work in tech.

I need a job that means something to me, which I hate.

Yeah. No, that... that sucks.

Maybe if you were in a city school here in Austin, it would be one thing,

but these suburbs, they're still, like, very old-fashioned.

No, but I have to stay there because somewhere bigoted like that

is where you can make the most difference.

Like, what am I doing if I'm not trying to improve the future

for these kids that come through that system?

If I just succumb to the evil intentions of their conservative parents,

then the kids are gonna grow up to be exactly like them.

- Then it's 1980 again or worse. - Okay.

I mean, I will just say, like,

I wouldn't think of all conservatives as evil.

- I don't. - I'm conservative at this point.

- No, you're not. - No, not about everything.

- I still want social progress. - You say it 'cause it's kitschy,

but you're not actually a Republican.

No, I really... It's like, I am against a lot of what the left...

I don't know what I am anymore. I listen to Red Scare.

If my very desire to fuck is... I love this song.

If my very desire to fuck is, like, up for debate

or potentially evil to them...

I don't know. We have to do something.

Oh, "we"? You and I?

- You and I, us together... - No.

...go talk to the school board. We're the ones who kissed.

"We" are not even together anymore 'cause you can't commit.

You always act like I broke up with you.

But I didn't break up with you. We broke up with each other.

I'm not going back anywhere near that school.

And I'm certainly not getting involved.

On that note, if you are open to it,

I would be down to hang out today at your place.

- Okay. Wow. - I'm supposed to take

the rest of the day off to think about my actions.

See, this is your whole thing.

- This is my thing. - You create your own problems.

Like this, for example.

What happens if you get me pregnant?

Like, are we gonna keep the baby?

I can't raise a baby. I work in tech.

If I get you pregnant,

it would be a miracle.

This behavior would not only be tolerated,

but encouraged if a straight couple did the same.

Homophobia...

Hello.

What are you doing, you little gay guy?

I love when you call me that. Um...

I'm writing this official statement

that I have to submit for this investigation.

What do you have so far?

"To Whom it may concern:

I pecked my boyfriend on the cheek,

perhaps making momentary passing contact with his lips,

in front of a class of his students.

We were in a serious relationship at the time, and it is clear to me