The Mouse That Roared

Ladies and gentlemen, the makers of this picture...

...ask you not to divulge what you're about to see. Thank you.

We take you to the duchy of Grand Fenwick...

...the smallest country on the globe.

This tiny but prosperous nation of 153/4 square miles...

...lies high in the French Alps, somewhere along...

I beg your pardon.

Somewhere along...

Oh, yes, here.

Grand Fenwick was founded in 1430 by Sir Roger Fenwick...

...a British baronet who took a fancy to the neighborhood and moved in.

Thus, Fenwick is the only English-speaking country in Europe.

Fenwick is ruled by Duchess Gloriana XII...

...a direct descendant of Sir Roger and beloved by all her subjects.

Though still in mourning for Count Leopold of Bosnia-Herzegovina...

...who disappeared during a hunt 27 years ago...

...she takes an active interest in her country's welfare.

Fenwick's parliament.

Here's the Prime Minister, Count Rupert of Mountjoy...

...a graduate of Oxford and Cambridge.

Fenwick's forest.

In these sheltered glades, the welfare of its feathered and furry folk...

...is watched over by forest ranger Tully Bascombe.

Fenwick's army.

Although at peace for 500 years, the Longbow remains the national weapon.

Here, the army exercises under Tully Bascombe...

...hereditary field marshal and grand constable.

Aim...

...fire!

If many Fenwickians resemble each other, this may be ascribed...

...to the founder, who was in every way, the father of his country.

Prosperity is based on the only export: Pinot Grand Fenwick.

A small, sturdy local wine with a virile but friendly bouquet.

For some reason the U.S. has always been the major market for it.

Thus, secure in prosperity and invigorated by its alpine climate...

...Fenwick has always been a happy country.

However, in 1959 a California winegrower...

...bottled an imitation of Pinot Grand Fenwick...

...and called it "Pinot Grand Enwick."

Backed by vast advertising and sold at a lower price...

...this imitation drove Pinot Fenwick out of the American market.

As a result, in a short time...

...the duchy of Grand Fenwick was in a state of crisis.

One fateful day...

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

Gentlemen!

Pray, silence!

- You made me drop a stitch. - Your pardon, Your Grace.

Can't we send a protest to the U.S...

...about this imitation wine?

I've sent not one protest, but three. But it's complicated by the fact...

...that we've never officially recognized the U.S.

So we've had to send them through Monte Carlo.

The truth is, each protest has been ignored.

- Until today, when I received this. - What is it, Bobo?

A pamphlet on how to grow grapes for wine.

- We'll be bankrupt! - We are bankrupt.

As of today, we're living on petty cash.

Good heavens. If only poor Leopold were alive today.

Your Grace, gentlemen...

...our situation is indeed desperate. We are on the brink of disaster.

There is only one way up: War! We must declare war on the United States.

- We can never win such a war! - No, but we could win the peace.

I've given this a lot of thought and I'm positive I'm right.

Remember, Americans are a strange people.

Most countries rarely forgive anything, but Americans forgive everything.

There isn't a more profitable undertaking...

...than to declare war on the U.S. and be defeated.

True.

No sooner is the enemy defeated than America pours in food, clothing...

...and lots of money for the relief of its former enemies.

In effect, we declare war on Monday, we're defeated on Tuesday...

...and by Friday, rehabilitated beyond our dreams.

- But is that honest, Bobo? - Not really.

But it's terribly practical and infallible.

I give you my word. It will solve all our problems.

But we have no army.

Who needs one? 20 men or so is sufficient.

Who'll lead them?

Tully, of course. He's our hereditary field marshal.

Not Tully. Well, he's a nice boy...

...but he's never been good at games.

Exactly. You can't send him on a mission like this.

He's got fallen arches, flat feet, sinus, migraine and claustrophobia.

Apart from being nearsighted and dizzy in high places.

He won't have to climb the Alps, just get the men over there.

Once they try to land in New York without visas, they'll be arrested.

That's all there is to it.

I don't want anyone hurt.

I'll tell Tully to be very careful. We can send Will Buckley with him.

He was a sergeant in the British army. He can act as interpreter.

Well, gentlemen, there's only one way.

We have but one choice.

Bankruptcy or prosperity. Which will it be?

I move we declare war on the United States.

As leader of the Party of the Common Man...

...I say war is reprehensible, barbaric and unthinkable!

And I second the motion.

Well, we're at war with America.

Well done. An historic moment.

And a profitable one too, I hope.

Take this to the post office and get it in the post immediately.

Certainly, sir.

And put a special delivery stamp on it.

At once, sir.

- The die is cast. - But our cause is just.

- Time and tide. - To be or not to be.

That is the question.

- Our country, right or wrong. - Right. We'll drink to that.

To our glorious defeat.

Oh, Tully.

What do you want?

About this war. I'd sooner not go, if you know what I mean.

I don't know what you mean. I'm surprised at you.

- You know we need the money. - I know.

But I don't like to leave the forest now. It's mating season.

This is bigger than the mating season! This is your country calling.

- Run along and get your army together. - All right.

- And don't make the Americans angry. - I'll be careful.

You'll enjoy every moment. It's great sport.

The ocean voyage will do wonders for you.

I get seasick.

With new stabilizers, modern ocean liners are as steady as rowboats.

- I get seasick in rowboats. - Tully, please.

- There you are. A pretty good turnout. - Yes.

I don't think they'll want to go with the harvest coming.

I'll have to appeal to their patriotism.

Men of Fenwick!

- Do you love your country? - Yes!

When you hear its name...

- ...do your hearts swell with pride? - Yes!

- If the country calls, will you enlist? - No!

- I don't think I'm very good at this. - Better leave it to me.

Now, men, I want 20 volunteers.

Form up in ranks! At the double!

And stand still!

Men, here is the situation.

We're at war.

- We're going to invade the U.S. - Good luck, mate!

If you'll let me explain how the situation...

I told you with the harvest they wouldn't go.

I'll give them harvest.

Fall in!

Men of Grand Fenwick, have no fear.

Providence will smile upon you because your cause is just.

I know that you will all uphold the honor of your country.

And let it cheer you to know...

...that your government has managed the money for your return home.

If necessary.

Bless you all.

Right, men. Up bags.

Company, right turn!

By the right, quick march!

I do hope the Americans are kind to them.

They're a fine body of men.

And the best investment this country ever made.

A declaration of war?

"To the president, congress and people of the U.S., greetings."

"Act of aggression."

"A state of war exists...

...between Grand Fenwick and the United States."

Those boys in the press room. Always making with the jokes.

Eight, nine, ten, halt!

Company, left turn!

Left, right, left.

Pick them up.

Keep going, you landlubbers.

Left, right, left, right...

- I think I'll go up on deck, Will. - You are up on deck.

- Go below if you feel seasick, Will. - I'll be all right.

Will...

Tell the men...

I think I'd like to be alone.

Listen to this.

"The president announced a practice air raid alert...

...to affect the entire East Coast.

Ships will be forbidden entry until it's over."

- When does it start? - In less than an hour.

New York deserted. Should be a sight. Is it because of the new bomb?

The Q-bomb, they call it. Makes the H-bomb look like a firecracker.

It'll never replace the British navy.

Oh, no, sir.

Look, sir! The Queen Elizabeth!

Turn about!

New York's closed!

What are you doing down there? Turn about!

The port of New York's closed! Do you hear me?

What's with them? Stay away from...!

Stop that!

What are you playing? This is dangerous!

- Stop! - But we're at war!

Not with everybody.

That's funny, I can't see anybody.

- Looks deserted. - That's what I mean.

Doesn't seem to be anyone we can surrender to.

There's nothing moving. No boats or anything.

- Is today Sunday? - No, Monday.

We better check with the skipper.

- The land of the enemy. - It's big.

- Bigger they are, harder they fall. - We're supposed to lose.