A Long Way Down

Anyway, to cut a long story short,

I decided to kill myself.

That's the trouble with suicides, I've learnt.

You can't cut the long story short,

because it's the long story that people are interested in.

Especially if you're me,

which, regrettably, I was

and still am to this day.

So, forgive me if you already knew this, but I'm Martin Sharp,

the man who had everything.

One wife, two children, three dogs, at least four People's Choice awards,

and five mornings a week on the most successful breakfast show in Britain.

Huh, they were even offering me Mondays off.

So far, so good.

I had reached middle age unscathed, with money in the bank.

Until I met Susie Jenkins at a launch for a new men's moisturiser.

- Happy New Year, mate. - All I can say in my defence, Your Honour,

is that she looked 25 to me.

But she wasn't.

Cue, in chronological order,

tabloid frenzy, a short prison sentence, divorce,

disgrace, demolition.

Doors closing.

New Year's Eve is supposed to be a pause for breath,

a punctuation mark.

Well, I had come to a full stop.

Really.

Why wouldn't I want to throw myself off the top of a tall building?

Oh! Oh!

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Um, I'm not entirely sure how to phrase this, but...

Are you going to be long?

- What? - I wasn't sure whether to wait my turn, or...

I hadn't considered the wire. I'd really like to borrow your ladder.

Maybe I should just wait. I'll wait.

Are you just going to stand there and watch?

No. No, of course. You'll be wanting to do it on your own, I'd imagine.

You imagine right.

I'll go there.

All right.

I'll give you a shout on the way down.

Right.

Oh, jeez!

I can't.

Maybe you should go first.

I would want to be on my own.

- Completely. - Understood.

Twenty minutes, then I want my spot back.

- Right. - OK.

- Ooh! - Oh!

Maureen.

Martin.

Are you from...

- Oh, I... I recognise your face. - Oh, do you?

Were you married to someone in a pop group?

No.

- Were you on TV? - Maureen, perhaps this is not

the best time to talk about this.

- Out of my way, fuckers! - No, stop, stop!

No! No!

- Maureen, a bit of help? - Who the fuck are you?

- What do you want me to do? Sit on her legs.

You're getting a thrill out of this, aren't you, you pervert?

- Oh, my God. - What?

You're Martin Sharp. You are a pervert, officially!

That's it! Rise and Shine with Martin and Penny! (GASPS)

- (MOBILE RINGING) Just let me go...

- No, just... - Wait!

Hi.

Erm...

Any of you guys order a pizza?

Well, shall we do introductions?

I'm Jess.

Everyone calls me Jess.

I... I'm Maureen.

- I'm, uh... I'm JJ. - I'm...

- Martin Sharp. - Yes.

It's very exciting to have a celebrity in our suicidal midst.

- This feels wrong. - Mmm.

All right, well, we could just do a "one, two, three, jump!"

- (CRASH) - (MAUREEN GASPS)

- (CAR ALARM GOES OFF) - Whoa!

- (JESS LAUGHS) - (THUNDER RUMBLING)

I wouldn't have minded if it had been the proverbial cry for help,

but, believe me, you don't cart a ladder up 15 flights of stairs

on a freezing cold New Year's Eve unless you're serious.

Nice to meet you.

It was just another debacle. Another cock-up.

I'd have believed you if you'd told me half an hour before

that I'd end up on my car,

but not in it.

And I absolutely knew, with every fibre of my being,

that I wouldn't be seeing any of those freaks and misfits again.

I didn't know what they were doing up there.

And I didn't want to find out, thank you very much.

I had no interest whatsoever.

Oh, fuck.

Do I regret stopping to pick her up?

Well, that really is along story.

- Want a lift? - No, no.

The bus will be along in 15 minutes.

Get in the car, Maureen.

Oh!

I did like your television show.

- (SIGHS) - (SIRENS WAILING)

- What are you doing? - Aw, it's a bit early for a reunion, isn't it?

Get in the car. We're taking you home.

So this is...

Jolly.

OK.

One word answers.

Everyone has one word to explain

why they were up on the roof in the first place.

For example, Martin might say

- notoriety. - Mmm-hmm.

Maureen might say loneliness. - I'm not lonely.

- Tell that to your cats. - I don't have cats.

I was up there because I felt...

- Helpless. Helpless?

That's a very good adjective.

Are we not fitting into your pre-ordained boxes, Jess?

Actually, you fill your one marvellously, Martin.

Was prison fun?

You really believe you have an answer for everything, don't you?

I really believe that you are a miserable bastard.

Actually, right now, a miserable bastard is exactly what I am.

Have I not been hiding it well?

- Pizza boy. - JJ.

Why might pizza boy want to die?

What would be your reason, Jess?

My reason would be love.

Chas. Chas the dickhead. He spurned me.

I'm a spurned woman.

Cancer.

I was up there because I have cancer.

I have inoperable cancer.

We have a winner. (CHUCKLES)

That's fucking brilliant.

Very impressed. Is it an embarrassing cancer?

Brain.

CCR.

- I'm sorry, JJ. - Yeah.

I think colon would have been better.

Ooh, we're here.

What, here? You live here?

No, but Chas is likely to be here

and I've got a couple of things I want to say to him.

Good luck with your next attempt. See you in the afterlife.

Yep, good night.

Unhappy little thing, isn't she?

I should have known.

The most popular place in London for suicides

on the most popular night for suicides.

I should have known.

- I wouldn't be alone. - I don't know why she thought I have cats.

And she certainly swears too much, but...

Go on, Maureen, just say it.

I just, um...

Should she be alone?

Right.

Uh, Martin, you, uh, you go that way.

- I'll go... I'll go this way. - No, no, no. I can't do this...

What else are we gonna do? Hey, what else are we gonna do?

And, Maureen, uh...

You take... You take the bathrooms.

The bathrooms. Bathrooms? OK, go.

I'm looking for a girl called Jess. Jess?

I'm looking... I'm looking for a girl called Jess. Jess?

- Hi. I'm looking for a... - Hi.

- I'm looking for a... - Hi.

I'm looking for a girl... Jess.

Good.

Great. Perfect.

17, 16,

15,14.

13,12.

11,10.

Nine, eight,

seven, six,

five, four,

three, two, one!

Happy New Year!

- Hi. - Uh...

- You hiding, too, are you? - Yeah.

I've... I've taken some pills.

- (CHUCKLING) - It's all good.

- What are you hiding from? - Oh, you know...

Humans. Humanity, life. You?

The nutter who's trying to kill me.

Your reason's better than mine, then.

And where is this nutter?

- She's everywhere. - Oh.

- Godlike, is she? - I was just hoping I was having a bad pill.

Um, but she... She's not supposed to be here and I'm pretty sure I've just seen her.