The Brittas Empire

Morning Carole!

Welcome to Whitbury New Town Leisure...

Mr Brittas! You're back and you look so...

Healthy, I think is the word, Carole,

and to be honest, I've never felt better.

So, how was Miami, Mr Brittas?

Bit hot for me Carole, but the course was superb!

I feel energised and raring to go!

Is it my imagination or is there a duck on the counter?

Yes, Mr Brittas. She's been in the reception all morning.

It's part of Colin's ''Children's Corner''.

''Children's Corner?''

It's a little sanctuary he's building for unwanted animals.

Ah, there you are Maisy!

Ah, Mr Brittas, you're back!

How was the course? How was Miami?

Never mind that, Colin.

I want that duck out of the building, please.

Carole, can you make sure the public don't go dropping

their confectionary all over the centre?

I mean look at the floor, it's covered in these raisins.

Those aren't actually raisins, Mr Brittas.

- What are they? - They're Dorothy's.

- Dorothy's? - A rabbit, Mr Brittas.

The most adorable creature, but she does tend to leave

little deposits about the place.

Colin, I want the animals to remain outside the building.

Carole, everyone in the staff room in five minutes.

When I came into the Centre this morning,

some of you may have noticed a new aura about me.

If I may say so Mr Brittas, you look radiant!

Spot on, Colin!

From my every pore, there exudes calm, well-being

and a quiet but huge self-confidence.

Is that so, Mr Brittas?

Yes, Timothy and there's a simple reason for it.

- What, Mr Brittas? - I have found my lion.

You what?

My lion Julie, I've found it.

That's what the course was all about.

''Wake Up The Lion Within''.

A five-day conference on how to seek your inner power.

What's this got to do with lions, Mr Brittas?

- Well, as Clint said... - Who?

Clint... Clint Ponderosa, he was the man running the course.

The lion within, is that mine of untapped potential

that most of us never use, awaiting to be awoken.

And he should know.

From being a humble postman, he owns a house in Beverly Hills,

three burger chains and a Mustang ranch in Wyoming.

So how exactly do we wake up this lion within, then?

You simply roar.

What?

You roar, like a lion!

You see, by physically making the noise of a lion,

we wake up that potential inside.

In fact, I'd like us all to practice it now.

Yep, I'd like each one of you in turn,

to stand up and give me a roar.

Starting with you...

- Gavin! - Me?

Gavin, as my Acting Senior Deputy Manager, I'd like you

to stand up and give me the first roar, please.

I really don't... erm...

Rrrr...

Not much inner power there. Julie!

Raaa!

Good, Julie... Colin!

Raaa!

Cracking, Colin! Tim!

Rrrraaaaa!

- Right, Linda! - Rrrrrrraaaaaaaaaa!

Excellent, Linda! Carole!

Oh... no, Mr Brittas.

Come on Carole, remember your assertiveness course.

I know, Mr Brittas, but I couldn't...

- Roar please, Carole. - Oh, Mr Brittas...

I want you to roar!

Ra...

What was that supposed to be?

It's a roar, Mr Brittas

It sounded more like a squeak to me.

I know Mr Brittas, it's just roaring isn't really me...

- Carole, on your feet, please. Oh, no!

Close your eyes!

Right, I want you to concentrate on your belly.

Now, imagine your belly is a big, dark cage,

inside of which is a big lion longing to roar.

Now roar!

Rrraaagghh...

- Better! And again... - Rrraaagghh!

- Louder! - Rrrrrraaaaa!

Now, that is what I call inner power!

Item numero deux! As most of you know,

we've been nominated for the European Award for Excellence,

the most prestigious award that a leisure centre can receive.

Gavin, le details, s'il vous plaIt.

Oh, mais oui, Mr Brittas.

Brussels will be sending us an inspector on June 13th,

we're up against the Centre Charles de Gaulle in Paris,

the Gesundheit Centre in Frankfurt...

Last year's winners...

Yes, indeed...

And the Hurlings Svurlings Luftscentre in Copenhagen,

so there's stiff opposition.

What exactly do we have to do, Mr Brittas?

Europeanise the Centre for starters, Linda.

How do ya do that then?

Well, at the moment we're catering for only

the English-speaking sector of the European community,

I wanna make sure that everyone in the community is welcome.

Mr Brittas, by the time the inspection comes round,

you will have the best children's corner in Europe!

Thank you, Colin.

With only the best tended animals!

I've discovered a marvellous new dental floss for pigs!

I don't really want to hear about it, Colin.

It gets right inside the snout, right to the back teeth.

Yes, Colin...

You should have seen what I extracted the other day...

Yes, that's enough, Colin!

Right everyone, end of meeting,

let's use our lions within to win that award, please.

Surely there must be someone with a problem?

Oh Gordon, thank God you're here!

Can't stop now, my darling.

Gordon, I started my counselling three weeks ago,

I've only had one client!

That's simply because you're not expressing your lion within!

My darling, if you want clients,

you've gotta go out there and get 'em! Rrraaagghh!

Yes, you're right... Rrraaagghh!

Just about done all the signs in the Centre now, Mr Brittas.

We had a few problems with the Finnish for, 'No Petting'.

Hang about, there are only eleven languages here, Linda.

- Yes, Mr Brittas. - There's 15 countries.

Yes, we know that Mr Brittas, but in case you didn't know

the other four, the Irish speak English...

I know the Irish speak English, Tim, they also speak Gaelic.

- You want a sign in Gaelic? - And Welsh and Walloon.

Walloon?

It's a Belgian dialect, Tim. Onto the sign makers, please.

Splendid, Carole! That's what I like to see,

staff expressing their lion within.

Now, I want all these goods marked up in Euros...

Euros, Mr Brittas?

Euros, Carole. The future European currency

to be phased in by the year 2002.

There's the conversion table, I want it done by first thing.

Yes, of course. - Who said that?

- Who are you? - Don't you recognise me?

No.

Well, who do you think's been doing all the roaring?

- I'm here to help you. - Help me?

Well, it's about time we got you out of this tawdry little place,

You've been here longer than Moses, let's face it!

What?

Forgive me, but you are just a dog's body!

I'm nothing like a dog's body!

Carole! Yes, Gavin?

I wonder if you can manage just a little photocopying for me?

Yes, what is it?

This... the Treaty of Rome.

foundation stone of the Common Market,

Mr Brittas wants it on public display throughout the Centre.

- Yes, very well, Gavin. - Woof, woof!

- Go away! - I'm sorry?

Not you, her!

Who?

He can't see me, my little tulip, nobody can but you.

You alright, Carole? - Yes... fine, thank you.

Good...

Now listen my precious plum,

you've gotta cut the crap and go for what you deserve!

What are you doing, Colin?

Just finishing off the new enclosure, Linda.

For what? Elephants?

A Tasmanian chipmunk!

Tasmanian chipmunk?

It's a rare and very beautiful chipmunk,

found only in southern Tasmania.

It's my showpiece for Euro inspection day.

Bit of a big fence for a chipmunk, isn't it?

But the Tasmanian chipmunk isn't your ordinary chipmunk,

they come much larger than usual and can occasionally bite,

hence the need for a sound enclosure.

I hope you read those guidelines I gave you

on keeping animals in captivity?

Don't you worry Linda,

I treat them like my own children.

Did you manage to do that photocopying for me?

CAROLE HUMS

- Carole? - Photocopying?

That's dog's body work, isn't it, Gavin?

I'm sorry?

And I am not a dog's body!

If you want it done, do it yourself!

Gavin, Carole, how are you both?

- Fine! - We've had better days.

Really? Well, you'll be pleased to know that I'm offering