Absurd Planet

In a time when Mother Nature

was still just a babe in the wood...

...she dreamed a barren planet

would someday teem...

Growl. Grrrr!

...with majestic beings

both great...

and small.

And when her wondrous vision came to pass,

she gazed upon the primordial ooze

and realized,

that she still had some leftover ooze.

And from those remaining glops of goo,

she created our...

Absurd Planet!

Ladies and gentlemen,

give it up for...

Mother...

Nature!

Yes! Hallelujah!

I am Mother Nature, and that's right,

I did create some of the most spectacular creatures

humankind has ever seen...

but I also made some pretty bizarre artistic choices.

Yep, somewhere along the line,

being strange got a bad rap.

Right, Mr. Mustache Face?

Just because something is weird,

doesn't mean it's not worthy.

Got that, four-eyed rainbow butt?

And I'm here to proclaim

that different is good!

Can I get an amen,

my no-nosed, frozen-faced cutie pie?

Strangest things.

Therefore, I present to you,

my parade of oddities.

Rebels amongst regulars, that must truly be seen to be believed.

From mini,

to maxi!

We begin this one... with number two.

Dung beetles are insects that feed either partly or exclusively

on the feces of other animals.

You thought your paleo diet was hard to stomach!

And just like those other Beatles,

these little rock stars are shooting right up the charts.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, The Dung Beetles!

Dung Beetles! Dung Beetles! Dung Beetles!

I love you, Rollie!

Oh my God, have my babies, Dwellie!

I've got feces on me pincers!

I... bury... poo.

Sorry, but this nightmare on elm tree

isn't much of a palate cleanser.

It's the creepiest, crawliest thing I ever created.

Centipedes.

The word "centipede" means "100-footed,"

which is odd, because most centipedes don't have a hundred feet.

Way to go, animal namers!

Either way, that's still a lot of slimy legs

to crawl across your face at night.

See you in your dreams!

Centipedes thrive in dark, warm, humid environments,

like South American rain forests,

or a hipster's beanie in the summertime.

Using their front two legs like fangs,

centipedes inject their victim with venom,

then curl around the creature and wait patiently for it to expire.

And they eat everything.

Ooh, look at me, I'm dying.

Crickets,

spiders,

frogs,

lizards,

small rodents...

Uh, that's a caterpillar!

Couldn't find a rodent?

It's "ro-dent."

Let's crawl over to Madagascar,

an island so incredibly strange and jam-packed with nutso creatures,

you basically have to be on fire to stand out.

Now, everyone's crazy about geckos.

They have sticky feet and adorbs little grins.

Yep, I'm very popular.

But... deep within this exotic island

lives a member of the gecko family

they don't even want to talk about.

The satanic leaf-tailed gecko.

Every family has its black sheep.

Even my... sheep.

Bah.

This fallen angel of darkness

has a flattened tail with notches

to mimic a dying or decaying leaf.

They do this to blend into their habitat,

and also because death and decay are wicked cool to demons!

This one's so hardcore,

he just painted his bedroom black and screamed...

You're not my real father!

...to someone who actually is his real father.

Lord Satan Gecko uses his long mobile tongue to wipe off dust and debris.

All of the aforementioned reasons are why the normal gecko family

no longer invites the satanic leaf-tailed gecko

to Gecko Thanksgiving.

Why am I always at the kids' table?

The low-lying wetlands of North America

are peppered with funky-faced freakazoids.

Like star-nosed moles,

whose personalities range from mellow...

to psycho!

To find evidence of them,

you just have to do a little digging.

Hello.

My name is Buddy Sparkle,

and I'm a star-nosed mole attorney.

Your attorney.

YOUR attorney.

Friends, did you know, you already may be entitled

to an absurd financial settlement?

Uh, excuse me, but what makes you such a great lawyer?

First of all, let me ask the questions, Miss Nature.

But also, that's a great question!

My snout is outfitted with 25,000 minute receptors,

each working to sniff out the best outcome for your wallet.

Impressive!

You must have the greatest sense of smell ever!

Meh. Strange but true, doll,

I don't smell so good.

I really only use these pink doodads to feel around for justice.

So that means you must have incredible vision.

Well, technically, we're all blind.

Hold that thought. Lunch break.

Mm, worm.

Anyway, I'm an excellent digger, too.

Using my front paws as shovels

to make tunnels that can go down a hundred feet or more.

So I know where all the bodies are buried.

But are you sensitive to your clients' needs?

Sensitive?

My pink, star-shaped nose

is the most sensitive touch organ of any mammal,

packed with over a hundred thousand nerve fibers.

Okay, maybe I'll hire you.

I object...

if you don't.

Operators are standing by.

Buddy Sparkle, please hold.

Buddy Sparkle, please hold.

Buddy Sparkle, please hold!