Wieners

And now, back to the one man in America

who really gets it.

Alrighty, welcome back.

I'm here with the lovely Debra

and her beau, Joel. Now...

...let's slap on our swim trunks

and go for a dip in Lake Joel.

What is going on?

The little lady says you have no direction, no passion.

The audience wants to hear your story,

I wanna hear your story.

Uh, r-right now, I work at... At Gutters.

It's, uh... It's a bowling alley.

Bowling, all right. I bowled a 280 last week.

Uh, college grad like you must be what, manager?

Uh, um, no, actually, no.

I, uh... I give out the shoes,

and then when, uh, when they come back, I... I spray them.

And then

I put them in... In their... Their cub...

Their cubbies.

This is what I'm talking about.

He... He has no joie de vivre.

He got passed up for a promotion,

and he didn't say a thing.

I-It's like he's content being a shoe boy.

Shoe...?

I... Listen.

Eddie needed the job more than I did.

Come on, Joel, a young buck like you

should have the world at his toes.

Now, I want you to think back for me.

When you were a kid, did you ever think

that you would be handling

other people's rented shoes?

No.

No.

Not exactly, no, no.

B-But work isn't everything.

I'm happy.

I am.

I-I've got the best friends in the world.

And I've got Debra.

You came here for one thing, but I'm hearing another.

Am I right, audience?

It sounds like Joel here

wants to scurry home instead of facing the truth.

Yeah!

I think you're the one

that's crying out for help.

Me.

Mm-hm.

Uh-huh.

Yeah. Are you willing to see

the situation for what it is?

'Cause he ain't.

He's hiding in the shady knoll,

you know, looking for unicorns, hoping no one finds him.

Yeah.

The point is, this relationship is nothing but a bunch of hooey.

Whoa! Whoa, hey, wait up.

We came here for career advice.

Dagnab it, Joel, put a cork in it.

Now, I know this is tough for you.

But you know

what you need to do.

Don't you?

Joel...

...I think... I think Dr. Dwayne is right.

What?

I can't be with you anymore.

No, no.

I can't be with you anymore.

- Isn't that great? - Yes!

Wait a minute, wait... What is going on?

Listen, you need to shape up is what's going on with you.

You've got a long road ahead of you.

And I am happy to say

that you are not taking her with you.

No, you're not. Ha-ha!

Joel...

I think Dr. Dwayne is right.

I can't be with you anymore.

- Joel. - Joel.

Joel.

- Joel. - Joel?

Joel... Joel... Joel...

Seriously, dude,

you gotta snap out of it. This is not healthy.

- Hi, Ben. - Hey, Joel.

Where'd you come from?

I came from outside.

Hi.

For crying in the night, buddy,

have you stopped bathing?

You look like shit, and you smell like shit.

What's the point?

We all die dirty.

All right. Well, look,

that may be, but I had my last final today.

My bar exam is in four months.

So right now, it's all about getting you out of this funk.

All right, home skillet?

Buddy, I love you. You're my best friend.

And I'm really sorry that Deb broke up with you.

That really sucks.

But look on the bright side, huh?

I mean, it's not gonna get any worse.

I got fired last week.

Fantastic.

Mr. Wendell said I wasn't fit

to work in the bowling industry.

He called me an "assface."

Said my face... looks like an ass.

Your face doesn't look like an ass.

Much.

Seriously, from here on in, there's nowhere to go but up.

No! Yes. Up, up, up, here we go.

Come on, come on.

On your feet. On your feet.

Good God, you stink.

Come on now, just gonna bring you

on a little trip to the window here.

Yeah, huh?

Come on, Nosferatu.

Who's got a brilliant idea?

I've got a brilliant idea.

Let's go hop in your ride.

Take the top down, huh?

Don't answer it.

Hi, honey,

it's your mother.

Listen, I thought you should know

that your father took Buckets to the dog park.

Buckets!

Well, there was a very aggressive pug mix there.

And your father thought they were just humping,

you know, like dogs do?

And, well...

he didn't make it.

Oh, Harold!

Buckets?

My Buckets?

Okay, Joel,

focus, focus.

Look.

Look at me, okay?

I am not gonna bullshit you anymore.

Today is a really, really shitty day.

But... But things are gonna turn around.

I can smell it.

Wyatt?

Gentlemen.

How many times have I applied

to the Oscar Mayer Wiener internship?

Eleven.

And how many times have I been rejected?

Twelve.

That's also correct, I did call that one time.

Whatever. To answer the question that you haven't asked yet,

but I know you want to, "Where has Wyatt been all week?"

Well, I'll tell you where he's been.

He's been in the process of creating his own wiener wagon

with every last penny in his pocket.

That's right!

Wyatt's Wiener Wagon.

Wyatt? Yes.

This is an authentic, chrome-plated, winged wiener.

Mwah.

One of only 600,000 made.

Can I ask a stupid question?

Puh-tat-too-put-tat-tat-top-pah.

Now, why have I spent every last penny in my pocket

on this wiener wagon and 12,000 frozen hot dogs?

It's called taking action, bitches. Okay?

I will distribute hot dogs

across these great Estados Unidos,

and prove once and for all that I am wiener-worthy.

So you're gonna drive thousands of miles on your own dime

to distribute wieners across these, as you put it,

great Estados Unidos

to advertise for a company

that's rejected you resoundingly 12 times.

Correctamundo.

It's a self-promotion blitzkrieg.

And it... It wouldn't be a road trip

without my two other angels. Hm?

Want a walkie-talkie?

Come on, you can be Lucy Liu.

Me?

I think I'll go inside.

There's chips...

under the La-Z-Boy.

Okay, bro,

you go get suited up.

We blast off in 60.

Were you dropped as an infant?

Cameron Diaz would not say that to Drew Barrymore.

I am not Cameron Diaz.

You are not Drew Barrymore.