30 Rock

After all these years, I finally have it all.

I'm gonna miss this place.

That's how you do it. It's two lines.

Hey, 1% d-bag!

You can't park here! You don't own the sidewalk!

Ahh!

It's nice to see you back at work

and taking advantage of being in the greatest city on Earth,

despite our tiny and American sodas.

Well, I feel like New York City

is one of the characters on our show.

That's idiotic.

So how was your hiatus? Start with what puzzles you did.

Venice, solar system, unicorn...

The cast of L. A. Law. That one took me a while.

So much white. Anyway...

Good to be back, but stressful.

The usual Liz Lemon work-life balancing act.

- How are things with Chris? - Good.

Great. We are trying...

Really, Lemon? You can't even say "trying"?

What positions are you using?

The one. There's only one. Talk about something else.

Fine. We'll talk about me.

I have never been better.

And my divorce went smoothly.

In fact, thanks to a round of golf with Archbishop Dolan,

I was never married.

Libby won a bronze

in horsey jumpy at the baby Olympics,

and at work, I am taking the bull by the horns.

Have you seen the new fall shows?

Yes, I have...

Seen them.

If you're tired of sexy vampires,

then you'll love Hunchbacks,

starring Jonathan Silverman as Dr. Fantastico.

And do you like the information channel

you get when you stay in a hotel?

Well, Thursdays is just that now.

So what do you think of the new shows?

I hey, Jonathan's back.

Yes, little big man discovered

the grass isn't always greener on the other side,

and came crawling back.

My grandmother was seriously ill.

I went to salinas to feed and bathe her.

- I'm sorry. - I still don't like you.

God cop?

"Crime just got a new worst friend."

The hell is that?

A show I am very excited about.

A New York City detective solves crimes

with the help of his new partner, God.

So God just tells him who did it?

God can't just tell him who did it.

- Why not? - Watch the pilot, Lemon.

It's all explained in the end

by the wise black man played by Karl Malone.

You're really taking some swings here.

I have no choice.

My boss Hank Hooper is clearly planning to retire.

Word is he bought a boat.

But it's not a yacht,

for corporate parties and Hooker disposal.

It's a two-man fishing boat.

I believe that is called a skiff.

I will not have you telling me boat names in my own office.

Hank has vowed to keep Kabletown in his family.

I have one chance to change his mind before he retires.

That's where shows like God cop,

O.J. Simpson live, and Rule of threes come in.

- Oh, brother. - Oh, brother...

A comedy about two jive-talking con men

hiding out in a monastery.

Jonathan, bring me my green light.

30 Rock S07 Ep01 - The beggining of the end

My wedding is gonna be a disaster!

The doves I ordered for the wedding came,

and they're all dead!

Ugh! Ugh! One of 'em touched my tongue!

Calm down.

I'll show you that video of Taylor Swift

getting hit in the face with a foul ball.

Oh, I'm fine, Liz. The doves were just a drill.

Everyone needs to be on their toes for my wedding year.

I'm gonna be a nightmare.

Wait, if that was a drill, did you kill those doves?

No. I bought them at the dead dove store.

Grow up, Liz.

Jenna, you're always a...

High-strung perfectionist.

I prefer soul-sucking monster.

How could your wedding make you any worse?

I don't know,

but it's a fun little journey we're all gonna go on together.

Uh huh. So when is this wedding?

I can't tell you. It's a secret surprise wedding.

Because that's what all the big celebrities do.

Beyonce, J.Lo, Natalie Portman,

whose real last name is Hershlag, by the way.

Okay, that's not relevant.

I just think people should know.

You know,

I have a lot of really good friends

I could ask to be my maid of honor.

Paz de la huerta, the former Mrs. Jon Cryer,

honey boo boo's mom.

June.

But you're my oldest friend.

And also, I've known you for a long time.

Liz, will you be my maid of honor?

Oh, Jenna, that is so nice.

But I've just got so much going on

with the show and baby stuff.

Oh, God! My hands! Please!

I'll do it! I'd love to do it! You're my best friend!

Oh, yay!

Oh, you're in charge of the bachelorette party.

Make sure you have a stripper there from every race.

Start looking for Indian now. It's a tough booking.

Mm, best friendies!

Mr. Jordan. I need some advice.

I recommend you get it from Liz Lemon

or an owl who wears glasses.

No, sir. It's about women.

I've been living with Hazel for the past few months,

and while we have gotten to second base...

You mean a threesome with Robinson Cano?

No.

I mean sharing a yogurt.

I'm saving myself for marriage,

and Hazel says she's saving herself

for a grade-a pork machine.

And those are expensive.

It's just Hazel's my first real girlfriend,

and I want to make sure I'm doing

everything I can to make her happy.

I'll tell you how to make a woman happy.

You take charge.

She comes home one night,

you're in the kitchen naked cooking chili.

You feed it to her out of your hands.

Make her act like a bird.

Damn it, I don't know. I've been married for 22 years.

That's half as long as it felt like Arliss was on TV.

You want to make a woman happy?

You listen to her.

'Cause guess what. She's always right.

The women in our lives are queens.

Honor your queen, Kenneth.

If she wants to look at new window treatments,

you go to crate barn.

If she wants to have a dinner party,

you go fry up some dolphins.

She does say we never entertain.

You're losing her. Go get her!

Go get your woman!

And speaking of which,

Angie's been in the hospital for a week.

Could you go find out why?

- Ooh. - Thank you.

Frank, you do stand-up.

How would you like to have your own sitcom?

Can I have a hot wife?

- If you gain 50 pounds. - Yeah.

Hey, I have an idea for a show.

It's about a boy who befriends a talking panda,

and they're allowed to sleep in the same bed.

Have it on my desk tomorrow.

Okay.

Look, Jack, I know you think fixing NBC

is just another negative synergy dynamics matrix.

I wish.

Then I could just solve it with a Schwarzfeld tesseract.

No, this is the nadir of my career, Lemon.

No room for advancement, a boss who doesn't get it.

Every day, I wish some other company had bought NBC.

Xerox, Alcoa, Paas.

The Easter Egg company?

They own their market.

When was the last time you bought

a non-Paas egg-dyeing kit?

Try never. Paas is the best.

Their wire egg dipper is tops in the industry

with the thinnest egg loop to reduce dye lines.

Exactly.

Only I don't work for Paas. I work for Kabletown.

But I have a plan that will fix everything.

Okay, here's the thing, Jack.

Your plan isn't gonna work. Your shows are terrible.

I mean, have you seen that new game show Homonym?

Your next word is "meat."

Oh, boy. Um...

Like when two people run into each other.

Uh, sorry, it's the other one.

- Your next word is "stare." - Okay.

Um, the things you climb to get...

No, no, it's the other one.

It's always the other one. Let me see the card.