Bored to Death

Hey hey, be careful with that.

That was our bed, you know, guys?

I had heard that the Israelis had cornered the moving business

like the Greeks with diners, but, I mean,

it seems unusual, you know, to have Jewish movers,

right, doing such muscle-oriented work?

What, are you another self-hating New York Jew?

Mm-hmm. Yes, I am.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No.

Bye.

Are you sure about this?

You're saying this now, after the truck is loaded?

I don't know. Yes. I don't know. Yes.

I don't know. I don't want to lose you.

But, see, this is the problem.

It's only because I'm out the door that you're finally asking me to stop.

It's like you don't take action until it's too late.

I'm taking action now. Don't go.

Jonathan...

it doesn't matter.

Whoa whoa whoa. What?

I told you months ago that if we were gonna make this work

you had to stop drinking and smoking pot.

And you didn't. That was our deal.

It's dangerous to go cold turkey.

I'm down to white wine. I can't help it, all right?

I still like the way pot makes me think.

Maybe it's healthy.

Pot is not healthy.

They give it to cancer patients.

You don't have cancer.

Not yet.

Goodbye, Jonathan. Let's go.

Please.

Come on.

I get it, all right?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm crazy.

I'll quit the pot and the white wine.

She left you?

Yeah. I'm an idiot... too much pot and white wine.

She was sweet. I liked her.

But you gotta rebound fast.

That's the best cure.

I mean, just go on Craigslist.

Yeah, I don't know. Maybe it's too soon.

You know, I feel like...

Jojo, what did you do?

Hello.

Oh, hey, Ray.

That sucks, man.

I thought you guys were just mildly unhappy.

It happened all of a sudden. She announced the move two days ago.

Are you destroyed?

You gotta be destroyed, right? Are you destroyed?

Last time I was heartbroken I felt like someone had put on my head

one of those falcon hoods, you know,

and all I could see was complete darkness.

A falcon hood?

Yeah. Anyway, why didn't you tell me?

Because I thought she was bluffing.

I didn't think she would actually move out.

And then out of nowhere these super-efficient Israeli mover guys show up.

All of a sudden it's like the raid on Entebbe in my own apartment.

Let me get my computer. What is the raid on Entebbe?

It's... it was an Israeli tactical, uh,

group of peop... fuck it, I don't know.

You used the words "falcon hood."

I know what a falcon hood is.

Everybody knows what a falcon hood is.

- Really? - Yeah.

Falcon hood, anyone?

Raid on Entebbe?

Okay, we're even.

Anyway, do you think you can get her back?

No, I don't think so. I feel like Suzanne

started to think that I was a loser because I'm struggling to write.

I mean, this second novel...

Yeah, listen, just yesterday Leah was like,

"Why don't you go teach art in a public school?"

I'm not gonna teach art at a public school.

I don't wake up till 11:00 A.M. "Go teach art."

But if you did teach it would be a steady income.

Don't be disgusting.

Those women were into us because we were artists.

And then reality hits and no money and no real future,

and then, you know... pfft.

Leah is gonna break up with me any minute now.

I mean, we haven't had sex in weeks.

We are losers.

- We're not losers, okay? - We are.

Look, you're gonna be on my website next week.

I made you a therapist.

Look at that.

I wish you'd made me someone more heroic.

You are heroic.

Therapists are heroic.

They're the heroes of listening.

Next time give me some big muscles,

some superpowers.

At least in your comic I can be a hero.

Yeah, but look at that picture of me.

It's pretty cool, isn't it?

- Hello. - I saw your ad.

What? What ad?

Craigslist, Missing Persons.

Yes, of course. I'm sorry.

Most of my clients are word-of-mouth,

so I forgot about my ad.

How can I help you?

It's about my sister. I think she's missing.

What do you mean, "you think"?

She hasn't answered her phone for two days

and her voicemail is full. And I came up from Philadelphia

to go to a concert with her and she's not in her dorm.

Where are you? Let's discuss this in person.

Rachel?

- Mr. Ames? - Yes.

Can I sit down?

Okay.

Very nice to meet you.

I'm really glad you found me on Craigslist.

I love Craigslist. I use it for everything.

I didn't know what to do so I typed in "missing persons"

and found you. And you said your rates were reasonable.

They're very reasonable.

They're... $100 for the day.

I guess I can afford that.

Great, okay. Then down to business.

Do you have a picture of your sister?

No.

Wait, I do on my phone.

Great.

Who's that?

Her gross boyfriend Vincent.

What's gross about him besides that tattoo?

I don't know. He's English

and he's a bartender.

And he's old... like, 30.

That's not old. I'm 30.

Anyway, they fight all the time.

My sister says even though Vincent is a total jerk

they have amazing sex.

Guys who are assholes are always the best at sex.

It sucks. I don't know why the world is like that.

But nice guys can be good too, you know...

thoughtful, attentive, just loving.

Whatever. I think Vincent's a meth head.

And she wanted to break up with him.

And maybe he went homicidal on her.

Breakups can be hard on a guy.

What?

My girlfriend moved out today.

It's actually kind of upsetting.

Are you really a private detective?

Yes.

I think the thing to do is find this Vincent.

Find him... we find her.

Cherchez I'homme.

I don't understand you.

Oh, instead of "cherchez la femme"

I'm gonna try something different...

"cherchez I'homme." Do you speak French?

No, I'm taking Spanish.

Español. It means

"find the man."

Where did Lisa meet Vincent?

At the bar where he works...

The Parkside Lounge.

Everyone at NYU goes there because they don't card.

- Hi, George. - Where are you?

I'm working, uh, a job.

Don't forget you're working for me tonight. It's important.

Right, I know. I'll be there, okay?

- Okay. - Bye.

Another case closed.

Are you really a professional?

As I put in my ad, I'm not licensed.

But I will find your sister, I promise.

I want to help you.

I hope everything will be all right.

This whole thing is really weird.

Don't worry. Get home. I'll call you later tonight, okay?

Penn Station.