Send Me No Flowers

Feeling low?

Tossing and turning all night?

Having trouble going beddy-bye?

Know what? You've got a headache.

Then try the new miracle painkiller, Nipsarin,

the pill nine out of 10 doctors prescribe, and get instant relief.

Uh-oh.

Painful sinuses got you down?

Those naughty nasal passages clogging up on you?

Don't give it another thought.

Try new doctor-prescribed Nauseadrene.

The pill with a new magic ingredient, N.U. 202.

And smash your troubles away.

Uh-oh.

Tummy feeling crummy?

You bet it does.

And there you go taking those rotten tablets.

See? Nothing happens. They just lay there.

Now, watch wonder-working Garbagene go to work.

See how much faster the new, improved, new formula,

better-than-ever Garbagene tablets are than that no-good brand.

George, breakfast!

Good morning, Arnold!

Oh, Mrs. Kimball!

Oh, hi, Ern.

Isn't this a lovely morning? Oh, it is. It's beautiful.

Let's see, yogurt, carrot juice,

cottage cheese, organic honey,

non-fat and eggs, fertile.

Fishers, over on Maple Street, they got their new car today.

Oh, good. Only it's not new. Secondhand.

Don't breathe a word of this to anybody, but you know the Bullards?

Now, remember, don't spread this around.

George!

George!

George!

George!

George!

Hey, Nash! It's Vito, the cleaner.

Hey, daddy-o! I got your cleaning.

Ruth!

George!

George!

Hey, need a hand, Mrs. Kimball?

Ooh. Ooh.

Judy...

I heard you, dear. You said, "Ooh."

Well, doesn't it concern you I have this pain in my chest?

I'm always concerned about the pains in your chest.

It's just that I have had such a morning.

You would not believe it.

I called Dr. Morrissey. I'm gonna have a complete checkup.

It's probably nothing serious though.

A checkup? Mmm-hmm.

But you just had one, two weeks ago.

In two weeks, your body could turn on you. Just like that.

Well, while it's turning, eat your breakfast.

I don't think I better, not till Ralph looks me over.

Oh, George! Then at least have a piece of toast or something.

I promise it won't show up in the X-rays.

It's roughage.

Oh! I don't know why I bother to cook.

Well, maybe one piece of toast.

Oh, have I got something to tell you.

Guess what?

The Bullards are getting a divorce.

The Bullards?

The milkman told me.

Who are they?

They live in the next block.

I don't really know them.

But I must say I expected it.

You don't know them and you expected them to get a divorce?

I know all about them.

Marge told me the whole story at the bridge club.

Oh, that poor thing.

There must really be something wrong with him.

Well, how do you know? Maybe, there's something wrong with her.

Oh, no! Oh! She's very nice.

I met her at the supermarket.

If you're nice in the supermarket, you're not very nice at home.

You know... No, Judy! Judy. No butter.

It's loaded with cholesterol, animal fat.

George, you know that, two years ago, you had never heard of cholesterol?

And today, it is the biggest thing in your life.

Now, you can just sit there and laugh about it if you want to.

Meanwhile, men my age are dropping like flies.

Do you ever read the obituary page?

It's enough to scare you to death.

Well, if it scares you, why do you read it?

What should I do? Bury my head in the sand?

No. But why is it that every time you hear somebody has something

you think you have it, too.

Now, what do you mean by that?

Oh, come on.

Remember the year they operated on Whitey Ford?

Remember that?

You thought you had bone chips in your elbow.

Yeah, well, there definitely was pain there.

George, your hypochondria's showing.

I am not a hypochondriac!

Listen, someday when I'm lying in the hospital in my bed of pain,

then you'll change your tune.

You better hurry. You'll miss your train.

Pardon me.

What's today?

Friday.

Maybe I'd better cancel that lunch date with Winston Burr.

I mean, the way I feel and everything.

Darling, I think you could risk a cup of tea.

Yeah.

I don't suppose a cup of weak tea would hurt me.

No matter what's wrong with me.

Your call to Mrs. Bullard is ready, Mr. Burr.

Thank you. Bullard?

Bullard? She the one that's getting a divorce?

Yeah, how did you know?

We have the same milkman.

Watch this. The Winston Burr patented procedure

with potential divorcees.

Hello, Linda.

Winston. Winnie Burr.

Say, Linda, I heard the horrible...

Well, I'm just heartbroken.

Yeah.

Well, I always considered you and David my best friends.

Linda, if there's anything I can do,

you mustn't hesitate to call me.

Yeah.

Well, now, the next couple of weeks are going to be very tough.

You're gonna be lonely.

Yeah.

Say, how would it be if we had a quiet little drink together tonight?

And maybe I could think of something to bring you and David back together again?

Okay, I'll pick you up about 8:00. Tonight.

How's that?

All right, little darling, and chin up.

You are a 100%, non-shrinkable, no-money-back rat fink.

Yeah. But a bachelor rat fink.

Well, I'll see you at the club tomorrow, George,

and good luck with your doctor.

Check please!

Oh, boy, am I pooped!

I made eight house calls this morning.

Now, why in blazes didn't I specialize

so I could get some sleep, huh?

Ralph... Like those lucky allergists.

You know, they keep hours just like a banker.

They make the same kind of money, too.

I know one of them built a $100,000 house on ragweed alone.

Yes. When the pollen count goes up,

just like the stock market.

Oh, Ralph, I have this pain...

Well, thank goodness it's Friday.

I'm going fishing this weekend.

A friend of mine's got a cabin cruiser.

Gastroenterologist.

He would look at anything but gallbladders.

He is cleaning up. Absolutely cleaning up.

You'll be on a boat for a whole weekend? Yep, that's right.

Well, suppose somebody has to reach you. Like... Like an emergency.

Emergency? Yeah.

What emergency?

No, no, no... 90% of my patients,

absolutely nothing in the world the matter with them.

The 10% that have got something seriously wrong...

Then I send them to a specialist.

Well, now, George, what seems to be the trouble?

What? Oh, well, I have this pain, and it's...

Well, can you... Can you show me where it is?

Yeah, right here. Hurts like the devil when I press it.

Then don't press it.

Now, George, tell me,

is it a sharp pain, is it a dull pain, or does it grip like a vice.

Yes. Yes.

No, no, no, no, no... Pick one.

Oh, well...

I'd say it was more of a sharp pain.

Mmm-hmm.

I guess we'd better take a little listen.

Do you have any idea what it might be?

Not yet.

Well, it's probably nothing serious.

You know how Judy worries, though, you know.

Yeah, yeah.

Now take a... Take a deep breath.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale!

Oh, you can... You can button up now, George.

What's the bad news?

What?

This pain in my chest, is there some medical term for it?

Yes.

It's called indigestion.

Now, I want you to take one of these pills.

Take one before each meal and again before retiring.

Oh, what kind of pills are they?