Gail Daughtry and the Celebrity Sex Pass

This is Willowbrook,

the littlest town with the biggest heart

right here in the center of Kansas.

You know, I know everybody in this town,

and I know all their stories.

But no story is crazier

than the story of Gail Daughtry and the Celebrity Sex Pass.

Hey, Ollie.

And that's Gail right there.

She's a shining light around these parts.

You know, I don't like playing favorites

with people in the town

but fuck it, I don't give a shit.

Gail's my favorite.

And in just a couple of weeks,

we're all gonna be gathering

to go to her wedding to Tom,

her high school sweetheart.

-Hi, Frank. -Morning!

And as for me,

- well, my name is Frank. - Hey, Frank!

And if you haven't figured it out from context,

what I do for a living,

maybe this big bag of mail will help clue you in.

Still stumped?

Well, let me give you another little hint.

I'm a mailman.

Think you got it now? But enough about me.

This story's really about Gail.

There's a tornado brewing on the horizon,

and it all starts with an innocent conversation

at the hair salon where she works

- with her best friend, Otto. - Hi.

-Good morning! -Hello! Hi, honey!

Hi, Ronald! Sorry I'm late!

Gail, sweetie, we're just talking about

the celebrity free pass. Who's yours?

-Celebrity free pass? -Yeah.

-What's that? -Oh, you know,

it's like, uh, each member of a couple

gets one celebrity that,

given the chance, they could have sex with.

-Ah! -Right?

And the other one gives them a free pass to do so.

-Mine is Liam Neeson. -Oh.

Because I suspect in the bedroom,

he has a particular set of skills.

Oh, you're bad!

Tom is obviously my celebrity pass.

After all, he was the starting quarterback on the Wildcats.

Okay, but if you had to pick someone

who was not your boyfriend?

-He's my fiance, Otto. -Oh.

I finally got him to buy the cow

after giving him all my milk for free.

-Take that, Mom! -Honey, don't I know it?

I mean, I am gonna be standing right by your side,

absolutely sobbing like I'm watching

Schindler's List for the 12th time.

I thought you only watched it 11 times.

I watched it again last night.

Anyway, I gotta get myself a fancy suit for the big day

when I'm in LA this weekend.

-That's right! -Mm-hmm.

You're going to the West Coast Hairstyling Expo.

I'm really jealous of you.

Oh, well, get ready to be mucho jealous.

"Mucho jealous"? Look at you.

Sprinkling a little

-Spanish in there? -Mm.

Who knew that you were bilingual?

Uh, honey, I'm bi-everything.

Biweekly?

-Okay, you got me. -Got you.

Anyway, my point is,

guess who's gonna be at the expo?

-Who? -Hairstyling guru...

Wait for it.

Remy Fontaine.

Remy Fontaine is gonna be there?

- That's right! - Remy Fontaine!

King of the whip curl Remy Fontaine?

His Royal Highness himself.

- I'm even more jealous. - Mm-hmm.

I've never been to California.

I've never even been out of the state.

Honey, why don't you come with me?

Quick three-day trip.

We'll hobnob with all the Hollywood stars

at the Universal CityWalk.

Ugh. I can't, there's so much going on here.

I'm forcing Tom to drive me into the city

to go to a book signing later

and the wedding's in two weeks, so...

Los Angeles sounds amazing.

Doesn't it, Ronald?

Los Angeles? Ugh. Too many people there.

Yeah, that's what Ronald said.

And as for the free pass thing,

the only celebrity I've ever had a crush on

is a certain Wildcats head cheerleader.

Oh, that's sweet.

You've always been the bagel

under and on top of my cream cheese.

Aw. But if you did have to pick a celebrity...

Tilda Swinton. She'd be my pass.

Oh.

-What about you? -I don't know.

Honestly, I never thought about it.

Well, what about Jon Hamm?

Didn't you think about him

when you used to use the handheld shower head?

When I was like 16...

through 19.

Now I really regret telling you that.

We're never getting stoned again.

Oof. Fine by me. It's too expensive.

Anyway, that's perfect.

Jon Hamm's your celebrity pass.

Okay. Can we move on now?

-Anything for my bagel. -Thank you, my cream cheese!

"Chop one medium-sized onion.

"Fine.

"Chop one stalk of celery.

"Fine. Chop two cloves of garlic.

"Add one pound of ground beef..."

She's incredible.

No, you're not wrong. Color me impressed.

"Salt and pepper to taste.

"Enjoy with one to two glasses of tap water."

Wow.

-Aw, thank you. -Whoo-hoo!

Yeah. Just...

- Thank you so much. - Hi.

Thank you so much for coming.

Appreciate it so much.

Oh, hi. I'm Gail. I'm such a big fan of yours.

And not just of the cookbook. I've seen your acting on TV,

-and the movies... -Thank you.

...even before The Morning Show.

That's so sweet.

Sorry, where are my manners? This is my fiance, Tom.

I've never seen any of your stuff.

We're getting married on the 27th.

Oh, you're so cute.

I'm gonna do something special for you.

- You are? - Yes. Yes, I am.

Oh, I won't cheat.

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

She smells so good.

Okay.

- Enjoy that. - Thank you so much.

You're so welcome.

Oh, my gosh!

She's even nicer in person than she is in the cookbook.

I have to admit, I never felt one way or the other about her.

But you were right. She's fantastic.

-She's got a new fan. -Yeah?

Oh, you gonna change

your celebrity pass to Jennifer Aniston?

You know what?

Yeah, sure. Why not?

Okay, Jennifer Aniston, it is.

But that means if you meet Tilda Swinton somewhere,

you have to keep your hands to yourself.

Got it. If Tilda Swinton knocks on the door

and wants to hop in the sack,

I'm gonna tell her, "Not today, Tilda."

Not today!

Do you remember

-where we parked the car? -Yeah, it's that way.

Your fiance remembers everything.

Ah! Except my keys.

Oh.

Which are in my jacket, which I left inside.

-Okay. -I'm sorry.

-That's fine! Okay. -Give me two minutes.

Okay. Scrambled eggs, butter toast, pancakes.

Just add water. That sounds so good.

Instant oatmeal with honey.

Bagel with cream cheese. "Bagel with cream cheese."

Where is he?

Sir! Sir?

Hi. Excuse me, sir.

My fiance came back here over an hour ago.

Tom? Hello?

-Try here. -Thank you so much.

Hello?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, right there.

So, what do you think? We start with season one, or...

Yeah, sure.

I'll have my assistant get you the DVDs.

Tom?

Gail! I was just about to text you.

I thought you were looking for your coat. But you're...

You're...

Gail, this was my one free pass.

Remember earlier?

You took it literally?