My Favorite Martian

Mars surface ops, this is Houston. We're go for data.

Copy, Houston. Base pedal temp good. Remote pedal actuator good.

Probe primary and auxiliary transponders a-okay.

Shunt voltage three zero.

D.S.N. uplink rate is now 61.101.

Copy. We'll see if we can better that for you.

This is the probe's

We need all the data we can get.

Uh, standby. We're getting a low current level here.

Voltage is down to, uh, 185.

Here's our rock, fellas. One-one-niner.

-Beautiful. -There it is again. There it is again.

Voltage down to 113.

-Can you repo the solar arrays? - Uh, negative.

M.P.C. load is critical.

- -Mars surface ops,

-We're losing the signal here! -

Roger that. Transmission terminated.

-Well, people, congratulations. -

We collected data on over a dozen new rocks.

I'd say this was five years and three trillion dollars well spent!

Come on, gentlemen, keep up with me. I want an exclusive...

with that policeman who was in the Santa Barbara shootout.

-I'll take it. -Glad you could make it, O'Hara.

Prescott, it's yours. Take Harrison and camera car five.

I want it for the 6:00. It's no good at 10:00. You got that?

-It's no good at 10:00. -What are you, a parrot? Get movin'.

I want footage of that 1st Monument Bank that got knocked off down in Oxnard.

-I'm all over it. -Van Gundy?

-Sir! -And get that security camera's

-Yeah, mm-hmm. -No tape, no story.

You got it, boss. Whatever you say, boss.

I like Van Gundy. I need something on that

-Well, that's me. I know Vandenberg, chief.

Who are you, Clark Kent? Felix, it's yours.

Get interviews with all the top brass involved.

Oh, take Brace with you. It's a good story for her to cut her teeth on.

Brace? Are you sure? Because I usually produce Brace's on-camera segments.

We're a team. I mean, we're more than a team. Brace and I are--

You and my daughter are what?

-Um, nothing. -That's right.

I didn't send Brace to all those fancy English boarding schools...

to wind up with the likes of you.

Oh, O'Hara, I've got something here that's right up your alley.

A senior citizens' tanning contest being held tomorrow at Sunset Pier.

The Hawaiian Tropic Senior Cocoa Butter Classic.

-Huh? -

I want footage of all the old farts baking,

an interview with the doctor on the dangers of sunbathing, yadda, yadda.

Something to fill time if my idiot weatherman runs short.

Mr. Channing? Mr. Channing? Excuse me. Sir?

You hired me because I had ten years' experience as a newspaper reporter.

Now, I will go to the ends of the Earth to bring you a great story.

But I need the chance.

You know, Tim, when I look at you, I see myself at your age.

-Really? -And I was a moron!

-Huh. -But you got a lot of nerve,

Sometimes. Okay, it's yours.

-B-B-B-But you said-- -Shut up, Felix.

You won't-- You won't regret this, sir. You really won't.

O'Hara! You screw up this Vandenberg thing, you're fired. Is that clear?

Yeah. Crystal.

Attention, all personnel.

We are T minus five minutes and counting.

We're here at the Vandenberg Air Force Base, where for the first time,

-Cut. Brace? -the shuttle Atlantis

-Sweetie, could we lose the gum? -Billy!

Excuse me, Sergeant.

- -I love show business.

Yeah, okay. Everybody back to one, please. Here we go.

Same thing. In five, four, three, two--

We're here at Vandenberg Air Force Base.

-We're here at Vandenberg Air Force Base,

where just minutes from now, the shuttle Atlantis will be

-on the west coast. -I understand that Project Deadhead...

I understand that Project Deadhead is carrying a sophisticated satellite...

-to study the Fiona comet. -to study the Fiona comet.

Yes, the satellite has a specialized guidance system...

which will allow it to pass closer to the comet than ever before.

Yeah, yeah. Is Jerry Garcia on board?

What?

Is Jerry Garcia on board?

Is Jerry Garcia on board?

-Well, yes, actually. -Yes!

Project Deadhead gets its name from the fact...

that its payload includes the ashes of famous rocker...

Jerry Garcia of the Grateful Dead.

How in the world did you know that?

-It's my job to know that. -It's my job to know these things.

Well.

-Okay, Lizzie, go to Brace. -

All right, Brace, here we go. The big wrap-up.

-And so, on this the night of the Fiona Comet,

the night of the Fiona Comet, our thoughts turn...

to that satellite's only passenger-- Jerry Garcia.

-I'm Brace Channing-- -I'm Brace Channing for KGSC.

-Thank you, Captain Dalton. -Thank you.

-God, you're beautiful. -God, you're beautiful.

- -Thank you. So are you.

And we're out.

-Tim, I'd like a word with you. -And I'm dead.

-Colonel? -Yes?

-You might want to take a look at this, sir.

-So what? -It's changing direction, sir.

That's impossible. Are you sure it's not the trajectory of our own satellite?

Yes, sir. Uh, the comet's just changed direction again, sir.

-It's gotta be the equipment. -I've got down line confirmation.

No, sir. Our backup computers verify all systems go.

It's-- It's coming down, sir.

-The satellite? -No, sir. The comet.

Okay, let's go to general alert.

-Major, scramble the F-16s. -Yes, sir!

-Sergeant, get SETI group on the line. -Copy that.

Showtime, boys. We got ourselves a U.F.O.

Excuse me.

-What's this? -It's Capt. Dalton's telephone number.

Well, he's not really my type, but--

-You made me look such an idiot. -Brace, come on.

-Let me explain. -Just wait until I tell my daddy.

-No, Br-- Brace, come on! -Billy!

-Wait a minute! Look, I-- -Nice knowin' ya.

Ooh-hoo. Let us know where you end up.

- -It wasn't a complete disaster.

Oh, compared to what?

-The Hindenburg? -

Titanic. I'm sorry, pal.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Sorry.

The blues kept knockin' upon my door

- -

I said up, not out of joint!

We're goin' down!

-Mayday! Mayday! -Oh, not another ticket.

-Whoa! -

- -Aaah!

Are you crazy? You could have totalled my car!

-Did you see it? Did you see it? -See what?

There was a crash. A plane or some--

It was like a stealth fighter! I don't know!

-It happened so fast! -Oh, my God, a plane crash!

Well, that's terrible! We don't even have any video!

Good! It's over here.

- Tim, wait for me! -Humans.

-Wait, not so fast! It's my story too, remember?

- What was that? - Hmm? What was what?

It was this flicker, this-- this light that--

-Never mind. -What, Tim?

Tim, wait! Oh, my heel!

These are really expensive shoes, you know!

- -

Come on, Tim, where is it?

It was this huge thing! It was this--

You know, it's really creepy out here.

Ow!

Tim?

-You've got 30 seconds and I'm leaving! -Hmm.

-Look at this. - What's that?

I don't know. I-I-- I don't know.

-Is this your idea of a joke? -No, I swear to you-- look at--

Oh, really? And I thought you were one of the normal ones!

- -I am one of the normal ones, normally.

Ha ha ha.

Nice try, Tim.

You and me, alone on the beach, on the night of a lunar eclipse, no less.

-I didn't make this up! -Keep this as a memento

Last date? We haven't even had our first date!

- -Well, consider this both.

-Brace? Brace! -

Ahh.

Nurplex. Ay-yi-yi-yi mmm!

Humans.

-Come on, come on, come on. -

-Savages! -

-Tim! -Aaah! Mrs. Brown.

-Too much lipstick? -Uh, well,

no, no, no, no.

No, it's just that you, uh...

kind of appeared, that's all.

I saved you some of my special brownies.

Mrs. Brown, brownies. Get it?

-Yes! That's good. -There you go.

-Thank you very much. - Did you see the eclipse?

Wasn't it trиs magnifique?

-Those French tapes are really paying off, aren't they?

- Thanks for the brownies, Mrs. Brown.

Oh, Tim. I wanted to remind you...

about the charity rummage sale this weekend.

If you have anything you want to donate, leave it

Well, trust me, this will be right on top of the pile.

-Ahh. -Good night, Mrs. Brown.

One more thing I wanted to tell you, Tim! Oh, good night, Tim!

I'm havin' a bad night.

I couldn't agree with ya more completely.

-Shut up. -How do you do it?

- -O'Hara here. Please leave a message.

- -Channing here. You're fired.

-Short enough for ya? -