The Mindy Project

Honey, what are you doing?

- I just said good-bye to the little guy.

You think he's gonna be all right without me?

Yes.

- Did you memorize the "Our Father"

so you could say it to him every night?

Danny, I know it perfectly.

Our Father who art in heaven,

Halloween thy name.

Maybe I shouldn't go.

- Danny, it's gonna be fine. You know why?

Why?

- Because I made this Danny mobile

to put over his crib. Pretty cute, huh?

I have one for myself, but it's just pictures of your wiener.

- Okay, babe, I'll be back as soon as I can.

- Okay, babe, I'll be back as soon as I can.

I just got to get my dad settled in with an in-home nurse.

- It's okay. I can be a single mom for a while.

That's the lie I tell anyway to get out of jury duty.

- Leave it to my dad to screw up my life again.

I'm gonna miss Leo's first haircut.

I wanted to be there to show him where Vito hides the "Playboys."

- Babe, you have to let go of this resentment of your father.

All right? It's not good for you.

Did you learn nothing from my Dr. Phil calendar?

- I learned that you still don't know when my birthday is.

I know when your birthday is.

It's around the VMAs.

- Close enough. Get over here.

- Close enough. Get over here.

I'm really gonna miss you.

- No, not me. I'm excited to get you out of my hair.

I got a lot of stuff to do.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

I can think of stuff to do.

Got room for a third tongue?

- Remind me again why Morgan has to come?

- Okay, you were the one who didn't want to fly.

It is not safe to drive across the country by yourself.

Everyone's got guns, and they're all fat from fried food.

Maybe I should go.

- Hey, we are gonna have the best time.

And some of my new medications,

I need someone to really shove it up there.

I need someone to really shove it up there.

Come on.

- All right. - See?

Now, come on, don't worry. Go, get out of here.

- Give me one more. - Okay.

- I love you. - I love you.

Okay.

- Hey, I heard the strip club opens soon.

- What? - Ah.

- All right, just keep going. There's no strip club.

- All right, we're in New Jersey.

I'm gonna stay off the main roads.

If the state troopers see my New York plate,

I might get the old Hoboken hello.

Bunch of scumbags.

Well, I am your navigator

because I have an internal compass, literally.

When I was six, I swallowed a compass.

When I was six, I swallowed a compass.

I missed all of first grade.

- Those look a lot like my glasses.

What, these glasses?

- Yeah, the ones you have on right now.

- No, I think we might have gotten them at the same time.

It doesn't matter.

We both have 'em. They're both great.

New York, New Jersey, Connecticut.

Whew. I can't read while I'm driving. I get a little sick.

- You okay? - Oh, God. You know what?

I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna rest my eyes for a minute

till the feeling passes.

- No, no, no, that's good. You should...

- I'm gonna let it pass. - Yeah, just close your eyes.

["Take Me Home, Country Roads" playing]

["Take Me Home, Country Roads" playing]

Oh, my God, are we here?

Is this California?

Oh, it's The Beverly Hills Hotel.

Looks smaller.

No, we're still in New Jersey,

but this is where you got to get out.

What are you talking about?

- Look, I'm gonna drop you at this motel.

You're gonna stay here for a week,

and don't tell Mindy you didn't come with me.

- I mean, if it's all the same to you,

I'm just gonna go to California with you on a road trip.

I'm just gonna go to California with you on a road trip.

- Okay, listen, buddy, I got to take a slight detour

for personal reasons, and I got to do it by myself.

So I'll see you later.

You son of a bitch.

You're having an affair. -

- You think she can just lose the baby weight like that?

We're in the middle of pie season, Jack.

- Morgan, I'm not having an affair!

Now, here's $500 and get out!

- No. - Take it.

What are you up to?

- I said take it. - What are you up to?

- Okay, I'll show you what I'm up to, okay.

- What are you doing? - Okay, that's it.

- Dr. C, where are you going?

You look real mad. - What are you doing?

You look real mad. - What are you doing?

- Yeah, get out. - No, get away.

- Get out. - Hey, you, get away.

- Ow! - Get away.

- Aah! - Huh?

Stop spanking me!

Stop!

["Take Me Home, Country Roads" playing]

- Okay, I think we've both had time to cool off,

and I think I have just the thing

to turn this party right side up.

Frommer's "101 Best Celebrity Pet Graves in America."

Look at this right here, Eddie from "Frasier," remember him?

His grave is in Catoosa, Oklahoma.

Did you know David Hyde Pierce called him

"the greatest actor" I've ever worked with?

- Okay, we're not doing any of that.

We're only stopping for food and sleep.

We're only stopping for food and sleep.

- Well, listen, Jack, you can choose to be angry

that I'm along on your little secret mission

or you can tell me what's going on.

Come on, what are the chances I'd tell Dr. L?

60, 70% tops.

Mid 80s.

I don't know, I'd probably tell her.

[4 Non Blondes' "What's up?" playing]

- Music cannot quell my curiosity!

["Take Me Home, Country Roads" playing]

- Please tell me your secret. - Morgan, I'm warning you.

- Please tell me your secret. - Morgan, I'm warning you.

If you keep asking me, you're not gonna like it.

No, no, no, I can help you.

Please? Come on.

Hello!

Are you giving me the silent treatment?

Okay, so the silent treatment doesn't work.

Grandmother gave me the silent treatment.

She didn't talk to me for eight months.

I never stopped talking. -

Turns out she had a pretty severe stroke.

["Take Me Home, Country Roads" playing]

- Well, I've decided, because of the way you're treating me,

I'm not going to share my delicious soft pretzel with you

that I'm about to buy in that store.

So can I please borrow $2 for a soft pretzel, please?

Dr. C, please?

I hate the silent treatment.

The truth is, this is agony.

Real classy.

Get a pretzel for yourself and don't share it.

No! What?

Why would you do that?

Come on, man!

Goddamn one percenter.

["Take Me Home, Country Roads" playing]

Well, it's a new day,

and I don't even want to hear your secret.

Someone told me it's not even a good secret,

so I'm just gonna sit here and read my book.

And I know earlier I said sometimes I get nauseous

when I read in the car,

but I don't think that's gonna be a prob...

Oh! Oh, oh.

Oh! Oh, oh.

Oh! Oh.

["Take Me Home, Country Roads" playing]

- Dr. C, I threw up also back here,

but I did it quiet.

- I can't take any more of the silent treatment.

It's gonna do permanent psychological harm.

You sadistic son of a bitch.

I hope while we're on this trip,

Dr. L meets another doctor with a giant penis

and Leo calls him Daddy.

Oh, you didn't like that? Do you want to say something?

'Cause I'm picturing your fiancée getting plowed

by some Protestant radiologist with a huge wiener.

And then when he's done with her,

he's gonna take Leo to a Red Sox game.

Ow! Ow, ow, stop. Eyes on the road. Stop, stop. Ow, ow.

- Dear God, please take care of Mindy,

- Dear God, please take care of Mindy,

baby Leo, Ma, little Danny,

Richie, and whoever Richie's dating.

And that's it, no one else.

Dear Sweet Jesus Christ,

if Dr. C keeps this up, I ask that you kill me.

'Cause I can't take it anymore.

Also, I hope you help him in his secret little mission.

I know it's really weighing on him, whatever it is.