You're the Worst

(indistinct chatter over headphones)

wanna tell you somethin'.

I think I wanna tell you somethin'.

I think I wanna tell you somethin'.

I think I wanna tell you somethin'.

I made my special heart pancakes.

What kind of jank-ass hearts are these?

That one looks like a butt.

Sorry. It was kind of a rough night.

But, um, this afternoon, I-I finally have my consultation

with the chief of staff at the VA,

and I think... LINDSAY: Yeah, chiefs'll do that sometimes.

Hey, can I get some sticky sauce for these pan-butts or what?

It turns out, in World War I, the official term

for "PTSD" was "cowardice,"

and you were shot for it. That is interesting.

How are you holding up, Jimmy?

: When my guinea pig died, I couldn't jack off

for, like, half a day. GRETCHEN: I'm telling you guys...

False alarm. He truly doesn't give a shit.

(conversation continuing indistinctly)

Aw!

It nearly had it.

mommy classes Becca's always yammering about.

Edgar? Edgar?

Uh, yeah. What's up? Big writing day

ahead of me. I need you to get all my usual writing snacks

from the British specialty store.

Shrimp-flavored crisps,

Wallington's choco-knockers, tartar biscuits,

kidney jerky, and then all your standard candies...

Lemingtons, fluffingtons, rum Christophers...

(classical music playing over speakers)

I have eyes on him right now.

Subject is on the move.

Can I help you?

Sir?

Sir?

(classical music continues playing over speakers)

A British flag balloon.

How did you know?

Oh, I pays attention to my girl.

Whoa.

Edgar.

Hey. Edgar.

Edgar, look at me. No.

Edgar... I've been thinking about you all day.

I could barely sleep.

Okay, you need your sleep.

Aren't you supposed to have your big meeting thingy

with the head counselor person? I was actually thinking,

instead, what if we just hung out here all day,

you know, just, like, laid in bed and watched movies?

Or... ignored movies.

Edgar, stop!

Why don't you want to go?

You've been waiting to meet with her for months. What if I go

and this is my best last chance

and they can't help me?

Then we try something else. What else?!

I've tried booze, drugs,

talk therapy, pills.

If not for you, for me.

I need you to try.

Sometimes I see you look at me...

and it kind of...

it scares me.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Dorothy.

I'm sorry.

I don't need you to apologize. I just need you to keep trying.

You are brave and you're smart and you're strong, okay?

And remember, when you go,

you just have to be your own advocate, okay?

They can fix you,

but you might have to fight for it.

This is the one time to not follow the rules.

It's their job to help you.

Edgar, where are your pre-moistened towelettes?

I don't have any. Why?

No reason.

I might need one in a few minutes.

Hey, look, it's your...

dumbass limey biscuit and fag store.

Um, Edgar, I thought you said you couldn't get

my writing snacks 'cause the store was cordoned off

due to police activity.

I, uh... I-I guess they caught the guy.

Oh!

Aah! Oh!

Jesus! You are lucky I didn't just break my wang.

Oh,

I broke a guy's wang once.

They never tell you

how far back it can and can't go.

It's the sideways that's really dangerous.

Oi! Eyes forward, pervert.

Uh, excuse me,

is this an audio tape?

I didn't know they still had those.

I guess poor people still need something to listen to.

I like my tapes. My brother gave me these.

This is my favorite because

it reminds... Oh, look!

He even has them in a little tape case.

Oh, my God, are we in the Smithsonian?

Do obese Midwesterners gather around your car,

pressing their be-churroed faces

at the glass to marvel at your

ancient relics from an erstwhile time of low-fidelity

and inability to fast forward through songs quickly?

Agh! Oh...

I swear, this is by far the worst Uber I have ever taken.

Oh, I almost forgot... Give us your car booze.

Guys, I... I really have to get to my VA appointment.

(groans) Fine, but when you're done

with your stupid thing you're giving us a ride home.

Now... (exhales)

Good.

Boy, oh, boy, son, I...

You know, I really got to congratulate you

on your tenacity and dedication

to overcoming your difficulties.

You-you really... you really are an inspiration.

Overcoming?

I'm, uh... Actually, I'm-I'm not doing so well.

Well, you got in to see me,

and that takes grit and determination.

Sometimes my own grandchildren

have to make an appointment to see me.

Well, thanks.

But should it take grit and determination to get help?

Exactly.

Edgar, you are exactly right.

Believe you me, when I think of the difficulties

that our chronic underfunding

has meant for our patients,

it just makes my blood boil.

We are making strides, though.

We have a plan to stop being fax dependent