Wipeout

Just when they thought their 15 minutes were up,

they're back.

Never give up, never surrender.

Whoo! That's right.

24 our of most memorable competitors...

Are returning for a second chance

to fall headlong into a battle for $50,000...

On the world's most extraordinary obstacle course.

We'll see do-over daredevils,

repeat offenders,

and people who probably should've known better.

Only our mightiest three all-stars will advance

to the most challenging obstacle of all...

The Wipeout zone.

The epic competition begins now.

One will become a champion, but all will...

Wipeout.

I actually came back for this torture?

Hello, America, and welcome to a special episode of "Wipeout."

I'm John Anderson, here with my special friend John Henson.

Special episode?

Am I gonna learn a valuable, if heavy-handed, life lesson

that moves me to tears?

As you always do, my friend. That's standard.

But in addition, this is our all-star episode.

All-stars? You don't say!

Like Angelina Jolie and Mr. Angelina Jolie? Not exactly, no.

Ah, "dancing with the stars" stars,

like Bristol Palin, Steve Guttenberg,

and that guy from the thing in the '80s.

No, John, I'm talking "Wipeout" all-stars...

24 of our favorite contestants

who didn't win the grand prize the first time around.

They've returned looking for redemption

and another shot at $50,000.

Oh, man! That is so... sad.

But to claim that grand prize,

they'll have to make it through the toughest obstacle course

since, uh...

Well, since the last time they were here.

And it starts with the double sweeper dive.

Yeah, that'll make 'em sink twice.

Then it's a ride on the dread-mill to the big balls.

It's like our Hollywood walk of fail.

Better take your meds here

because next up is the mood swing.

Side effects include dizziness, nausea, and pounding headaches.

Finally, the Wipeout school cafeteria.

It is tougher than a gang of lunch ladies, John.

24 all-stars to start.

Only those with the top 12 qualifying times will advance

to keep their dream of "Wipeout" redemption alive.

All right, let's get our starry eyes down to the course

and the third member of our "Wipeout" team, Jill Wagner.

All right, guys, it's Gaspar Porcell on deck.

Yeah!

Viva Cuba!

Hey, look, it's the crazy Cuban! Remember him?

Let's do this!

I loved this guy! Yeah!

Crazy Cuban!

Huh!

Whoo! (John a. ) It appears he's still plenty crazy.

What's gonna be different? I'm always different.

Every day I wake up, I'm different.

Really?

Because that's exactly what you did the last time you were here.

Yeah! Huh!

Well, the more crazy Cubans change...

The more they stay insane.

The double sweeper dive...

A new challenge for el cubano loco.

Ohh! Oh, ho ho!

The crazy Cuban showing high fidel-ity.

He flies off the handle and gets rolled like a fine Cuban cigar.

One seńor moment deserves another.

Gaspar ready to double up on the sweeper d de.

Ohh!

Sweet Gloria Estefan!

Gaspar does his own Cuban revolution.

Crazy Cuban stepping up to the dread-mill and the big balls,

big balls! Here I come, man.

Yeah! Sounds confident.

Come on, shake your body, crazy, do the big balls.

Ohh! Oh, ho ho!

Crazy Cuban does a face-plantain.

Man, he's got some spraining to do.

Gaspar now dealing with the mood swing.

Thank you. You know, John,

a crazy guy like him oughta be used to mood swings.

Ah! Oh, ho ho!

That's antidepressing.

True. He's gonna need some headshrinkin' now.

Crazy Cuban's made it to our final obstacle.

It's the Wipeout school cafeteria.

What do we have here? What food?

Well, it's not comfort food.

First, you'll crawl through the lunch line...

Help me! Getting peppered and assaulted.

Then you'll belly up to those hot dogs,

then over to the final platform. If you don't make it...

Yay! Whoo-hoo!

It's gonna be a cold, wet lunch over on this finishing spot.

Crazy Cuban jumps right into that smack & cheese, Johnny.

Queso delicioso! Oh, so right.

After that macho cheese dip, he's on to the sloppy Joes.

Ah! And right into the green jello for dessert. Oh, ho ho!

Nothing gets crazier than that.

Not even the crazy Cuban.

I beg to differ, Jill, because up next,

the crazy Cuban's facing the bay of pigs in blankets.

He's up over that first one. Oh, ho ho! Oh!

Enjoys a refreshing mouthful of "Wipeout" grape juice.

Oh, ho ho!

Hot dog! Crazy Cuban dined and dashed.

Yeah, that's not a happy meal for Gaspar,

but crazy Cuban comes ashore

with a time of just over 4 minutes,

crazy Cuban. He's back, baby.

Yeah!

Ohh! Oh, ho!

Why does he keep doing that?!

Rock 'n' roll.

Speaking of rock 'n' roll, back at the big balls

is Gary Shields Jr. remember, he was our Tina Turner.

Johnny, I think you've got our contestants mixed up.

Why would we call this guy "Tina Turner"?

Wow! Is it because of his voice?

No.

It is because of those strong yet silky hairless legs?

- You really don't recognize him? - I have no idea.

Maybe this'll help.

Sweet thunderdome! It is Tina Turner!

That's a whole lot of hair.

That's right, and he shouldn't be without it.

Get him his hair, people.

All right, with that wig,

he'll definitely look like Tina Turner now...

With a dead badger on her head.

Gary bounding out of the turntable,

right onto that mood swing.

Johnny, he seems to be energized by that wig.

Why? What's hair got to do, got to do with it?

Well, it's making all the difference

for Tina on the mood swing.

Ah! Oh, ho ho!

Ikes!

Tough break for the queen of rock 'n' roll.

Well, as our proud Mary keeps on churnin',

we'll return to the top of the course

with "Mikachu" Mika Mori.

Surely you recall her on the blob on winter "Wipeout."

Whoa. Ho! Oh, ho ho! Who could forget?

At least now she knows what to expect.

Ohh! Oh, ho ho!

Still, a little reminder doesn't hurt... Much.

No!

Let's check that out on smash cam.

No!

You know, Johnny, the double sweeper dive

has made everybody a diving champ today.

Ah!

Oh, ho! Look at that rotation.

That's a forward back half-twist with a hard landing.

Yeow!

Oh, ho! Looked like a nosedive really.

Ah! That's more like a backflop. Ohh!

Well, no matter what... Sink or swim... or that,

contestants just dive right in.

These wipeouts are beauties, John,

but the beast is yet to come.

Say hello to our old friend Kyle Greilich.

You know what, America?

Last time, you knew me as "the beast,"

but now...

I'm the super beast!

You go, gorilla friend!

So tell me, how is super beast different

from the hairy beast that you were?

Well, the super beast is 25 pounds lighter,

and he's faster, stronger, but just as hairy.

(John H.) He could lose another 25 pounds if he waxed.

Super beast returning to the scene of the dreadmill.

He is bristling with confidence

and a garden of body grass.

Oh! Ah!

Oh, ho ho! Super beast gettin' sasquashed.

So while Kyle hair-ies on through,

let's backtrack to the sweeper d de...

With Yana Zhernova, the commie mommy.

Last time she was here, she wanted to have a baby

and be an all-American mom.

Oh, ho ho! Ah!

That's no way to start family.

No, it's not. But Yana has big news. Jill?

How has your life changed since the show?

Yes, uh, I'm a citizen of the United States now.

You're now a citizen?!

No more commie. (Laughs)

Last time, what were you gonna do with the money?