Coffee & Kareem

It's a beautiful afternoon

in Metro Detroit. Wolverine fans- -

...both ways on I-696. There's cong...

...Five day forecast for Metro Detroit.

Hey, Kareem!

Hello!

Hello?

Hello.

Hello.

What seems to be the problem, officer?

You like that?

- Stay right there. Right there. - Yeah!

A bit to the side.

- Wait. - What?

Did you hear that?

- What? - Kareem's not home, right?

Oh God, are you serious?

Kareem. I thought I saw Kareem.

Okay, please stop saying my son’s name while you’re inside of me, okay?

That can mess a kid up! See his mom busting down Thotiana with some guy?

Stop watching BET.

He’s in school. Why are you always acting so weird about him?

Oh, I'm weird?

Yes.

First day I met him, he stares me down like it was day one in the prison yard.

He has a lot to figure out. He’s 12!

He's just shy, okay?

Well, shy... is not the word I would choose.

Look, Kareem and I come as a package.

I need to know that you are serious about this. About us.

I'm too old to be messing around.

Nessa, come here.

Listen, I know you're old.

That is not the response I was looking for.

Came out wrong.

- God. - I am serious about this.

You're the most incredible woman I've ever met.

I feel lucky you wanna be with me.

Yeah.

And I'm going to make more of an effort to get to know Kareem.

Okay?

Okay.

Now, ma’am, I’m gonna have to ask you to step away from your clothes

and put your hands on your boyfriend.

Come on, please.

Oh God, you are such a baby.

Yeah, a baby with a man's penis.

Oh, come on! You ruined the mood again.

- Did I? - Yeah.

You know, I did.

I'm the worst!

A cop? Is she serious?

Really? Like fucking-fucking?

I walked upstairs to get my iPad and there they were. Old people sex.

Did you do anything?

I would’ve beat his ass, but... I don't want to see my mom naked.

He was making all these white dude noises, like...

If she’s gonna date a white guy, she could at least get one with money.

- Exactly! - And not to mention, associating with cops

is pretty much the only thing that could ruin your rap career.

Well, that's not going to happen. 'Cause Imma put an end to that shit.

You fuck my mom, I’m gonna fuck your life!

What are you going to do?

I paid that tenth grader who just got out of juvie $20

to give me the whereabouts of one Orlando Johnson.

Orlando Johnson is gangster as fuck!

Yeah, since those Yeezy 350s winded up being all tanned and meshy and shit,

I can afford to get that cop the ass-whooping he deserves.

Trust me,

fucking pig stuck his dick in the wrong blanket.

Mr. Manning,

- what're you doing in there? - I'm takin' a shit!

And I’m pretty sure it’s illegal for you to talk to me while I’m taking a shit!

Your teacher wants you back in class.

Well, I guess I'll just have to let the social worker know

that you've been looking at my dick through the crack in the stall.

We're not doing this again, are we?

Shit!

Guess what, Gary? I got pictures of your feet in my area!

You can't prove those are my feet, okay? A lot of people wear Crocs in the spring.

Only perverts wear Crocs, Gary.

So now, you're gonna tell Ms. Chu

that I’m working with nine inches soft and feel free to improvise. I trust you.

Right.

Ms. Chu,

Kareem would like you to understand that his flaccid penis is nine inches...

Thank you, Gary, I heard everything that was said.

- Oh, shit. - Kareem,

if you don't come out and do your presentation,

I am going to give you a zero and call your mother.

Snitches end up in ditches, Gary.

Rat bitch.

All right, guys. Hey, let's keep this quiet. Don't shoot anybody.

We don't want this shit on YouTube. Again.

Police! Get down!

Shit!

- Put your fucking hands in the air! - Get down!

- Fire in the hole! - Get down!

Get down on the fucking ground! Everybody, down.

Get the fuck down! Do not shoot them!

Who got these feign-ass fucking Wet Wipes?

Miss that bullshit, man.

Don't come at me with two-ply!

Fucking two-ply, man.

I’m coming out the bathroom, I got a hand full of shi...

- Fuck! - Don't shoot!

Man, get off me!

Orlando Johnson has escaped.

Taken under arrest just yesterday

- in a daring dawn drug bust. - I'm a world star!

Great form, Carl.

A once-promising Detroit hip-hop artist was the latest casualty

in the police department's war on Detroit's narcotics trade.

- Ow, man! - Sorry.

Police were able to seize and incinerate close to one ton of cocaine

that was headed for Detroit streets.

I'm a proud member of Detroit City Metro today, protecting our kids

Protecting the tiny nostrils of Detroit.

Johnson has now made headlines again

as he managed to escape police custody yesterday while being transported.

Woah! Shit!

APBs have been put out, and Johnson is now the subject

of intense city and state-wide manhunts.

Wait! Woah! Damn it! No!

Video released has now gone viral on social media,

with citizens calling into question

the competence of Detroit's Metro Police Department.

I'd like to remind the citizens

of social media that we will leave no stone unturned.

Orlando Johnson, you will face justice. Guaranteed.

Stop it.

Wow. You don't think that the "guaranteed" was too much?

- No way. Not at all. - Fuck the trolls.

Yeah.

"She threatened to forcibly insert my castrated genitals into my rectum

and then put those same genitals in my mouth."

I'm just trying to make it sound a little more formal in the official complaint.

Officer Watts also called me a bitch several times...

- You can quote me on that, too. - What the hell is she doing here?

I thought we could settle this thing like police officers.

Okay, I did lose my temper and say some things that were harsh,

just based on the sole fact that he is a bitch.

The suspect was not handcuffed properly.

I don't know if Choi messed up...

Way to take responsibility for your fuck up. I mean why stop at blaming Choi?

Why not blame the academy for apparently failing to teach you

how to draw your fucking weapon?

Or we could blame your PTSD as a result of your ex-wife leaving you

to go blow half the Lions practice squad.

That should give you a sense of the abuse that I detailed in the report.

Okay, Watts, tone it down.

- Is your white knight saving you again? - He's not my white knight.

So he's your black knight?

Is that a fucking Martin Lawrence joke? This racism? Today? Wow.

I am not racist. My girlfriend is black. I find that offensive.

- Oh my God. - Shut up. Both of you!

Watts, apologize to Coffee.

I'm sorry for verbally abusing you...

- Was that so hard? - ...for fucking up the case

and letting a dangerous criminal roam free.

And here we go.

I'm sorry I tried to throw you a bone by letting you transport the perp.

It'd be like if when they captured Saddam, they were like, "Who should drive?"

Disabled chocolate lab, "Can you drive, sir?"

Just kind of...

I’m sorry that your vagina is so small.

First of all, that’s a compliment. Second, are you saying virg-ina?

No. Vagin... Vergina.

- [Linda[ Huh, what's that? - Vagina. Ver... Vajina.

Well, I am sorry that honest, hard-working officers are put in danger

every fucking time you don that badge!

That’s what I’m fucking sorry for.

- Bye, Cap - James.

It was her collar and he did escape on your watch.

She doesn't have to be such an asshole about it.

She's an asshole because she's one hell of a cop.

You, on the other hand, will be reassigned to traffic.

Somebody get this man a pair of white gloves and a whistle.

Oh, your ex says hi.

Go Lions!

Kareem specifically asked that James pick him up from school.

Shit, he must've figured out you two were dating.

- I guess. - But that could be a good sign, right?

Kareem wants to hang out with him.

It could be, but... it's not the coolest that your mom is dating a cop

- or a white guy. - Especially one with no money.

Look, I'll take a dependable, honest man over a jerk with money

any day of the week, okay? He's a great guy.

Then ask him to pick up Kareem.

It’s like a fucking pollen blizzard out here.

Hey! What's up? I was just thinking about you.

- Hey! Are you busy this afternoon? - I think I'm pretty open.

Did you want to... grind the old coffee beans?

I got some exciting news. Kareem needs to go by a friend's house

to pick something up after school. I told him I couldn't do it

because of work and he specifically asked that you pick him up. Isn't that great?

Hello?